Honda

Current Honda logo.

A famed 1941 Slave-powered Honda, still in service (though no longer slave-powered)

Honda is a country located east of Samsung in 22nd century Earth. It declared itself a corporation-state in the year 2345 after the Mad Emperor issued a decree obligating the separation of corporation and state, hindering Honda's bid for control of both the Parliament and the Courts. The military attempted to intervene in the secassion but was rendered ineffective because all its cars and equipment had been purchased frpm Honda, who activated their "Don't Argue" protocol, deactivating all its manufactured products in the military's possession. Toyota and Nissan attempted to intervene but Honda's then-latest creation, the Issac-Asimo's were able to reprogram the rivals' cars into becoming Buddist and/or Shinto monks. Within one month, Japan was absorbed into Honda. Toyota was executed (hanged) and Sony forced into exile. Nissan became a circus. The company originally started out making war vehicles (tanks, jeeps, etc...). Innovation at Honda has been there since the beginning - to save gas, in 1941, Honda designed a powered by slave labor to chauffeur around government officials. At the end of the war, Honda was forced to stop being evil, and changed its focus to small(sometimes very small) economical vehicles. Modified Hondas are known as ricers to American cars lover.

Origin and Early Years

The samurai family Honda first went into business during the Warring States period, where it produced swords and paper-bombs. At this time, a small branch of the family dedicated itself to producing horse-saddles. This branch was known as Civic. When the Meiji Restoration banned all swords except those produced by Suzuki, the Honda Civic branch was the only one that remained profitable. Honda's saddles were known to be lighter and more irritating to the horse, providing greater speed (but compromising stopping). Today, Honda's saddles are worth 23 Ho! (the Ho! is the new currency of the Honda republic - one Ho! is worth $312,487. Ho ho ho!).

Postwar Honda and the American Invasion

From 1945 until 1970, Honda perfected the small car in Japan and slowly planned its attack on the American market. In 1973, Honda, finally feeling ready, sent kamikaze airplanes into various oil refineries in the middle east, causing a huge soar in the price of oil, and thus creating a huge demand for their small efficient cars. American car companies retaliated by awarding Honda the "Better Than Us" trophy and waiting for Honda to grow stagnant. This policy seemingly paid off in the year 2012; however, it just turned out that Honda was preparing for the 2012 Doomsday.

Economy

Honda has proved itself extremely prophet-able. From its humble beginnings in the basement of a fisherman, it initially converted the nearby temple into a slave-sweat shop, then exploded (as in literallywent KABOOM!), destroying all local competition and gaining prominence. It was soon manufacturing immortal engines that like the Energizer bunny just kept on going and going and going and going and going and going and going ...until it went off a cliff. Or into a wall. When three sons of then corporate ruler president Honda Naruto, died in three separate car crashes involving Honda Naruto's daughters who were also killed, Honda Inoue drove her Honda into Honda Naruto's Honda, who began - and still is - screaming like a little girl, and took over as ru...president. She introduced a vital new concept and outraged the motor vehicle world at the time - brakes.

This concept catapaulted Honda far above the then industry leader, Mike's Horse Ranch. Before anyone could retaliate, Honda kidnapped Justin Beiber, experimented on him, then released him. The experimental results were used to create the Asimo robots - and simultaneously had the effect of unleasing Beiberism on the Western world, hindering technological advancements in North America. Soon, Honda installed Asimos into their cars, creating true robot cars that not only drove themselves, but also talked to passengers and smacked crying children until they would either shut-up or die. Advanced Asimo drivers were soon honking and cursing at other Asimo drivers. Some Asimos even began carrying guns and shooting other drivers dead. Since non-Honda cars were driven by real drivers who were being shot dead, everyone soon stopped buying the competition and switched to Honda. Honda's shares skyrocketed and more Asimos were produced to do all sorts of things like shoving straggling pedestrians off the road, sissor-kicking bicycle riders just because, stealing tyres off large vehicles that slow down traffic, etc. The Super Asimo was able to fly and attack noisy airplanes, keeping roads safe and quiet, except for the Asimo drivers shooting and cursing each other.

The Asimo Policebot was invented to control the more wayward drivers; they were eight feet tall and used curse-words so strong it made Asimo drivers cry. Shooting a Policebot was not recommended because they carried Samurai missles which would fly next to the car and meticulously chop it up and everyone and everything inside it. Passengers began carrying guns to shoot their Asimo drivers if the latter showed signs of engaging the Policebots. The entire situation became a complete mess until Honda, fed up, decided to create even MORE Asimos, relying on the theory of speeding up the destruction so that the following lull can return soon. The Asimo soon became the dominant race of Japan while humans were restricted to the Emperor's Palace. Any human found wandering outside was stared at by confused Asimos wondering what the hell it was. Since Asimos did not require money, currency ceased to exist in Japan and the economy was completely eradicated, replaced by ideal living standards where everyone worked for free and was tossed in the dustbin when they couldn't.

Honda cars

• Honda Lawn Mower - This model was designed for developing countries, where people were too poor to buy a car, but had a lawn that needed to be mowed. The Lawn mower has space for two (one on top, and one steering from the back) and comes with an optional trunk on the back. Cardboard seats are an optional extra advertised with up to 10 exclamation marks, a method which has been successfully proven to excite people. It also cuts grass.

An early Honda Civic with stock spoiler

• 1986 Honda D'Accord - French for "alright". Derived from the plans for the Ferrari Testarossa, the Honda D'Accord was the best attempt at an Italian sports car from the Japanese. It was equipped with a .5L Hachenmota engine which boasted a modest 55bhp. The same engine could be found in the ground slamming 1947 Fiat Picolino. The car was met with great acclaim by Home and House with Martha Stewart.

• Honda CR-X - Pronounced "Cervix". This may have been one of Honda's few intelligent designs, except it sucks. This hatchback compact is easily put to shame by Honda's own slightly larger, more useful (also slightly) Hatchback Accord. Or any other hatchback besides a Geo. The CR-X is able to produce a respectable amount of power after about $5,000 of aftermarket modification.

• Honda CR-V - Pronounced "Serve". Actually a rip-off of the Jeep Wrangler, the "CR-V" was designed with off-road capabilites in mind. However, those capabilities were never implemented, so the CR-V became a "Crossover". An enormous scandal erupted in 2007, when it was discovered that the CR-V was copied from the Chinese Laibao SRV, and Honda was forced to pay $9,000,000 in damages.

Latest generation of the CR-V

• Honda S2000 - This car was conceived after engineers in Honda stole design plans from Porsche. But lacking sufficient steel to make an equal car, they settled for one that could look good from a distance. At 120 BHP, this is Honda's fastest car yet. The S2000 has the ability to accelerate her occupants to about 75 MPH before flinging them through the windshield as the seatbelts are ornamental only. All are sold with an "I'm proud it ain't a civic" badge.

• Honda NSX - Honda stole the prototype of Lamborghini.They redesigned it to make it look cheaper so people will believe that it's a Honda.

• Honda Civic - Honda engineers stole the blue prints for the Ford Escort coupe, which was in development during World War II. The Civic sold remarkably over the Escort, due to the addition of a big-ass loud tailpipe that offered more horsepower to effectively escape The Rapture and make it sound like you're taking a shit while driving down the road. And let us not forget the biggest wing you can duct tape to your car. Remember, the bigger the wing, the more the horsepower.

• Honda Vamos-Hobio!! - Meaning "Vamoose- Hobo!!" in Spanish. Honda conceived this car as a way to get rid of Japan's hobo problem. The Japanese government buys these cars to give as a home to the homeless. This, however created a big parking problem as gas is too expensive for hobos, so they must stay put. Honda then created the "Hobio parking complex" in Tokyo which solved the problem.

Vamos-Hobio!!

• Honda Don't - Designed as a small city car, the Don't is so small, that in the case of an accident, all passengers would immediately die. Hence the name, short for, "Don't crash into me, please, I don't want to die".

• Honda Death - Also labeled Honda Life in some markets, is another small city car built by Honda. This vehicle, whose name implies the fate of the unfortunate owner who has an accident in this car, is also prone to losing front wheels at highway speeds and/or to split in half in 5 mph crashes.

• Honda Odyssey -In 1984, Honda executives falling out of a pub found that a regular sedan was not capacious enough for projectile vomiting. The development of the Odyssey was initiated to design a car long enough for a good parabolic vomit trajectory.

An Odyssey, note: the owner's name apparently is "Mobilio"

• Honda Illusion - Don't be fooled folks: This is no van! Honda's first foray into the full-size SUV market produced this. A full size-SUV with the dynamics of a dead mime, the styling of Salvador Dali, and the fuel economy of a small aircraft carrier.

Don't be fooled, folks!

• Honda Jet - A jet that gets 30 miles to the gallon and costs under $45,000. Seats and wings optional.

• Honda (un)Fit - A car that is prone to losing its temper. However, because it's so small, it can't do much damage despite its frequent fits of rage.

Honda motorcycles and ATVs

• Honda Super Cub - Honda attempted to create a motorcycle with the cutesy image of a bear cub, something that would appeal to both men and women. To make it even more appealing, they started an ad campaign that said, "You meet the nicest people on a Honda". For a time, they were right. People did meet the nicest people on Honda Super Cubs, right until the bikes turned into actual bears & horribly mauled their owners.

• Honda ATC - One day, Honda wanted to build a cycle, but all-terrain. They tried doing this with two wheels, but it sucked, so they added a third wheel & it did the trick! This magical new machine, the ATC90, could go anywhere, anytime, anyhow! As good as it was, people (especially Tim Taylor) wanted "MOAR POWERRR!!!!!!111!", so Honda gave them upgraded ATCs such as the ATC110, ATC200S, ATC250R, etc... However, the Consumer Product Safety Commission saw these things as a threat to people's health and well-being, so they outlawed them in the 80's. Actually, the CPSC was comprised of people who couldn't ride for jack, so they decided to ruin everyone else's fun by banning them.

• Honda TRX & Honda FourTrax - After inventing the three wheeler, Honda, knowing that those things would somehow become "like, soooooo 5 minutes ago", started looking for ways to make them even cooler. One day, they were screwing around, trying to see whether it was a good idea to add any more wheels to an ATC. Unfortunately, all their experiments ended in failure, except for the ones with four wheels. Figuring that it could be four times as fun, Honda released the TRX200 in the mid-80's. Since this new machine was so popular, Honda split it into two classes - TRX for sport quads, FourTrax for utility quads.

Honda as a god

As being of immense power and faulty engineering the mudripper god HONDA is worshiped by the little buggers with loud chants and drunk driving. See Mudripper

See also

• Honda Prelude
• Honda Civic
• Honda Integra

  Comprehensive Automotive Reference Source

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series

Now when you buy a Honda, you will receive a free Japanese girl at your Honda dealer.