Chikan

The sign placed in the designated "woman groping section" of trains (actually it's a T-shirt available at J-List)

“I rape, therefore, I am.”

~ Chikan on his existence

“When the student girl is ready, the Chikan appears.”

~ Chikan Proverb

“I would love to trade places with Japanese ladies on early morning trains.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chikan

“In Soviet Russia, Japanese schoolgirl rapes YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on Chikan

“I'm moving to Soviet Russia!!”

~ Most western men on Russian reversal of Chikan

“I is like eating the Kentucky Fried Chikan!”

~ Ali G on Chikan

Chikan - 痴漢 (literally translated, "stupid man") is the term for middle-aged Japanese salarymen who protect Japanese women's vaginas by tightly holding onto them. They usually operate on early morning or late-night trains, mainly in the Tokyo and Osaka area. How they gained their expertise in what they do, is still a mystery, but it is widely known they practice their skills on schoolgirls of ages 9 and above.

Studies have shown that an average Japanese woman is train-raped about 73 times, and groped 3968 times in her entire lifetime. 77 percent of them pretend not to like it, and the other 23 percent stand in the most crowded section of the trains every day.

Origin

A typical day on a JR or Tokyo Metro line

Even though the word chikan implies that they originated in China, that is actually not true. Chikan are a native Japanese product in every way. Some trustworthy sources suggest that they are created in the midst of specific circumstances:

- not getting laid until the age of 20

- being in love with their sister

- having the wish to protect a Japanese vagina from gaijin defilement

- being bored in long train rides

- having too long arms and fingers

Currently, all chikan are known to be Japanese, and no gaijin chikan have been reported so far. It is often explained by the fact that an average gaijin gets poontang any time he wants, while a Japanese man is incompetent to do so, thus needing to use illegal means.

All chikan are salarymen, therefore, all salarymen are chikan.

How to get groped (women only!)

1. Dress as a schoolgirl with short hair(preferably in a short skirt, with ponytails)
2. Board a train on Saikyo line
3. Turn your back to the first salaryman you see
4. Maintain sad and innocent expression on your face
5. Performing M2MR (mouth to mouth resuscitation) on lollipop is advised for instant results
6. Wait 53.6 nanoseconds

Congratulations, you have just been groped (and maybe raped) by a gang of salarymen/chikan!

Public reaction

No countermeasures have been deployed as Japanese females love to be abused and molested. Although they might start crying while being groped, they actually enjoy it and will become mad if a chikan is apprehended.

Jealous police officers have killed a chikan in Osaka in December of 2005 by suffocating him, thus creating great public protests and bitterness amongst Japanese female population.

Do not ever try to disrupt a chikan and a Japanese woman in their business. That might result in decapitation with katana by a woman in question and/or deportation.

See also

• Japan
• Japanese
• pervert
• Gaijin
• Matthew Perry
• Ataru Moroboshi

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series