“Roxanne, you seriously shouldn't put that thing on. You look absolutely terrible in it.”
|Red light (audio) (file info)|
|The police have obtained an audio recording of this "situation" for your listening pleasure.|
Ah, a GREEN light. Green lights always get me in a good mood. A mood to help humanity through their struggles. I always feel good with green lights. They help me through the bad times, and in fact, my family says I beat them less often the more green lights I come to.
NO, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I just had a horrible day at work, with people demanding papers and so forth! You can't do this. Not now, you asshole! Okay, never mind. I can still make it. It's like, a block away.
NO, REALLY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! Oh, okay, I get the game you're playing you damn light. You think I'm gonna slow down for a greenish yellow light? Nah, it's still basically a block away.
OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE NO! Okay, okay, maybe I was too drastic? I'll make a deal with you, please, let me make a deal with you! I swear I'll stop beating my kids, okay? I swear on my mother's grave! Oh man, it's still half a block away: who cares.
OH SHIT, OH SHIT! OKAY, so I lied! My mom's not dead! Please have mercy, God! Okay, how about this? I swear I won't think any more bad thoughts, okay? I won't even think them, just please make this light green! If I just speed up, I can make this light.
OH JESUS SHITBALLS! I swear to you, Jesus, and Buddha, and Satan (don't want to make anyone angry) that I will never do anything illegal ever again. I'll stop seeing Spider, okay? I will stop being a Xanax fiend if you JUST MAKE THIS LIGHT GREEN. I'M GOING 80 NOW, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL.
OH SLIPFUCK CRAP! NO, this isn't happening. I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry this time. I wish I could bring that hobo back to life, but who are we kidding? Please, lord, MAKE IT GREEN BEFORE I HIT THE LIGHT, OKAY? 90 DOES NOT LEND ITSELF WELL TO COLLISIONS.
SON OF A BITCH! I'm not THAT BAD a person, AM I, LORD? I know today I was bad, but I'm not evil all the time, right?! Okay, get a hold of yourself, get a hold of yourself: I can still make it, if I push this hatchback to... maximum overdrive.
OH SHITHOLYMARYFUCKDAMN! OKAY! I'M SORRY! I WILL BRING THAT HOBO BACK TO LIFE IF YOU JUST HELP ME WITH THIS ONE THING, OKAY? THAT'S ALL. I swear I'll bring myself before the mercy of the court for my cannibalism, okay, IF YOU WOULD JUST MAKE IT GREEN BEFORE I HIT THE LIGHT! A HUNDRED N' TEN IS FAST ENOUGH, DON'T YOU THINK?
DEEPEST, DARKEST BLOOD RED
Ah, jeez. Screw you, God! You know how long lights are downtown?
OR IS IT?
| Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2007 (ish).