HowTo:Change a Spare Tire
Spare Tire Changing is something that all motorists need to learn how to do. As with everything that you do with a car, it is extremely complicated and difficult to do, especially for people who do not have a degree in Quantum mechanics. A call to a mobile mechanic or tow truck may be the first response for most people in this situation, however if you follow a few simple rules then changing a tyre can be easy. 
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Step 1: Safety first
Flat tires always seem to happen in inconvenient places, like underneath a car. Now most people's first reaction will be to pull over, clear of passing traffic, onto a hard and flat surface in order to change it. This is almost always a bad idea, as there is a potential that someone in the passing traffic will actually know how to change a tyre, but they're not going to help you unless you are in the way.
So keeping this in mind the most sensible thing to do is to maneuver the car so that it is blocking at least one lane of traffic, and if you can manage it preferably all of them. After all, the road is the hardest and flattest surface that you are likely to find, and you don't want to be here all day, do you? Ensure that the handbrake is off and the car is in neutral, so that you can push it if needed to the optimal spot in the road. If you have a chock available (like a piece of wood or a brick) ensure that you have it readily on hand, as you may need to use it as a weapon. After all, someone may have slashed your tires in an effort to car-jack you, and having a weapon ready for any potential attackers is the safest way to do these things.
Step 2. Use the right equipment
You will need a jack and a wheel brace in order to change a tire, but of course these are in your boot, and any potential car-jackers will be waiting for you to open your boot and turn your back on them to attack. This is where a little bit of preparation will come in handy. Ensure that you remove the jack and wheel brace - the weight of them only ruins your car's fuel efficiency anyway - and replace them with a handgun of some description. As you may need to move fast, keep this floating around loose in your car and always make sure that the safety is off.
Now when you get the handgun out of the boot, ideally there will be people lined up in their cars around you. They may be aggressive and hitting their horns, but one shot into the hood of the nearest car will ensure that people treat you with respect. Now that you have their attention, using a loud high-pitched scream to ensure that people who are hard of hearing will understand, get someone out of the car and get them to take the car jack and wheel brace out of their boot.
Underneath your car you may find a small spot where there are a couple of notches in the panel from when the car has been on the jack while in the factory. Ensure that the jack is nowhere near this point as it is a position of structural weakness. Instead get the jack as far away from the tire as you possibly can so that it doesn't get in the way when removing the tire. To keep your hands free scream at your good Samaritan to turn the handle of the jack. If they start to do this slowly remember that this may be a delaying tactic so ensure that they speed up. Another bullet fired into a random car will usually do the trick here.
Step 3: Loosen the Wheel nuts
Once the tire is completely off the road it is time to remove the wheel nuts. This takes a certain amount of brute strength and as such you will want to ensure that your good Samaritan has plenty of adrenalin running through their bloodstream by screaming randomly at them. At this stage you do not need to make any logical sense, as the entire point is to have them confused and looking toward you for guidance, as well as angry. Screaming at them about their mother is a good idea, or how they remind you of an ex that you hate.
Remove each wheel nut one at a time completely. The wheel nuts are part of the wheel so you will have spares with the spare wheel. Throw the ones you have taken off away as these could potentially be a single use only nut, and reusing a single use nut will create weakness in the bond, and potentially cause an accident.
Step 4: Remove the wheel
Here is a certain point of risk as the person removing the wheel may try and steal it from you. Rather than letting them kneel down and take it away, as shown here, make sure they go underneath the car to remove the wheel from that angle. This can be an awkward thing to do, so if they seem to be having difficulty doing this then help them along with some positive reinforcement by shooting near the jack while they are under the car.
If the wheel will not come free, it could be that corrosion has caused the wheel to stick. If this happens, give the wheel a kick in order to free it. If that fails then feel free to shoot the wheel as it's no good now anyway. Throw the wheel away once it has been removed to ensure that you don't reuse a single use only wheel.
Step 5: Replace the wheel
Now your good Samaritan will need to take the wheel out of your boot and place it on your car. Now keeping in mind that you have been delaying traffic for long enough now it is time that you do things as quickly as possible. After all, the police will likely be here by now and trying to control the traffic flow. Remember the police are not trained mechanics, so ignore any advice that they scream to you. If they persist in telling you what to do make sure you shoot at least one police car.
Once the wheel is back in place on the car it will be held there by centrifugal force as soon as the wheel starts moving. At this stage make sure you don't waste any more nuts - these should only ever be installed by a fully qualified mechanic. Do not try and put wheel nuts on yourself.
Step 6: Remove the jack
Now at this stage, you no longer need your good Samaritan, and the polite thing would be to leave the jack behind for them. Also you will need to take the car to a mechanic as soon as possible. Ignoring everything else around you, jump into the car and drive off as quickly as you can to get to a mechanic. As soon as the car starts moving the jack will simply fall over and remain behind for your good Samaritan to be able to pick it up.
Way to go, you have successfully learned how to get rid of an old tire, and put on a new tire. See, the art of Spare Tire Changing isn't so bad, and it can be fun and humorous too, and makes a great story to tell your friends later.
- Disclaimer: Although we have stated that this can be easy, the truth is that it very rarely is an easy thing to do. There are a multitude of things that can go drastically wrong when changing a tire, and the chances are that you will do most of them the first time you try changing a tire. This will lead to excessive aggravation and raising of blood pressure, and potentially aneurysm, heart attack or stroke. As you will be likely to be a vegetable or dead after you have attempted this, it is always advised to first practice these skills in a controlled environment initially, or possibly give up the idea of being able to change a tire and concentrate on learning a skill that is both easier and less stressful, like bomb defusing.
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