“Toyota, Moving forward
and we just can't stop”
“I've stolen the rear seats out of these cars before, and just left everything else. [The seats] make really good sofas. The rest of the car... (cough) (cough)... ummm...”
“The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.”
Recall-ota is a series of obsolete 1.8L 4-cylinder Mountain Dew bottles delivering an astonishing 76 Horsepower, just before meltdown. Headquartered in Achee and Tokyo, originally a Japanese Condom ring recycling plant, it is a company of enormous proportions. Established originally in the stone age by Yoda, a half ET/half Japanese clone, as a stone wheel supplier to the Fred Flintstone car company, Toyota gained fame when it began ripping off American designs and manufacturing the same designs, most importantly the American Style Square Stone wheel, badging them with unpronounceable Japanese names such as Yairisu, Korouna, Korouuraa, Kemmurri, Karugua and Kuresshida. Paleontologists seem to concur that early Toyota's bear a striking resemblance to the Dodge Shag Wagon and Chevrolet Camera, with some parts actually interchanging with their American originals. In fact, the Toyoda family had quite the boner for the Ford family, and could not bring themselves to copy their vehicles.
However, history took a drastic turn when the U.S. Air Force took an atomic mega-shit over two Japanese cities, which caused their complete destruction, and the end of World War II, along with half of Toyota's child slave workforce. It was after World War II that the Japanese government headed by a few decrepit Samurai's decided seek vengeance. As a result of their brainstorming was born the conspiracy to take over America and then the rest of the world; One Family at a Time.
What you always must remember when driving though, is that the car in front is a Toyota, which consequently means that you are in a Toyota, so that the for the car behind, the car in front is a Toyota. This is why Toyota's are always winning races in NASCAR. (Simples) Toyota drivers are taxi-drivers, boring people and terrorists.
- 1 Recall
- 2 The Effects of the Brainwashing Today
- 3 That Trademark Toyota Quality
- 4 Current Toyota Models in production
- 5 Overview of Toyota's CEO
- 6 Toyota Technical Center
- 7 Drifting
Tatooine (A long, long time ago)
Anakin Skywalker was at his junk workshop, and decided that he would build something that the aging Yoda could use to go around places because he was getting too old, such as the lavatory. Besides, Yoda's birthday was coming up. As a result, Anakin Skywalker built the first car. A tag, hanging from the side said the words "To Yoda." When Yoda died, he gave, in his will, the car to Luke Skywalker, knowing he would use it wisely. Luke started up a company with the words "To Yoda" at the front of every car, and the company became a multi-planetary company. When the third death star blew up, which does not appear in any films, a car flew out of the galaxy, into the Milky Way Galaxy, and onto Japan on planet earth.@@@
Humans 'invent the car' with a shitload of recalls (1769-1939)
Nicolas-Joseph Cocknut, the man who took the patent for the car, was originally an archeologist. Digging up remains, he found this car: the "To Yoda" Odysseus stuck in the ground in the middle of Japan. He then drew up a blueprint, and then invented his own simple version using cooking pots, wagon wheels, horse shit and various other things he had found. Unfortunately, his blueprint was lost when an angry Samurai came to rape him. In 1919, historian Ihav aichi Bam was looking through an ancient Japanese recycling tip, and found the blueprint. He later named his son Kiichiro Toyoda. Kiichiro, who could not even pronounce his own name, stole the blueprints, and started up his own company, mocking most of the items on the blueprint because he could not figure out how to match the intense technology. The blueprint was stolen by Optimus Ketchup Wannabe who built himself, his companions, and the Autobots. As a result, we will never have that technology. In 1937, Kiichiro, started a company known as Toyota. After his friends told their friends, everyone wanted a Toyota. They were the best on the market, and he became the richest man in the world. Another legend says Kiichiro tried to build a portable moonshine distiller, on wheels. The machine worked and some day it caught on fire and drove off. Hence the idea of a car sparked in Kiichiro's head. This legend is denied by all Toyota executives however a side-legend exists that says a moonshine machine prototype is stored in Toyota's museum basement. Maybe some day we'll see it at Smithsonian..
click on the following to see the Cocknut: []
The Brainwashing Begins (1946 - 1975)
In the early to mid 1970s, Americans had great choices for cars from all of the great American car manufacturers General Motors, Ford, Oldsmobile and Chrysler. There were muscle cars, full-size cars, as well as full size trucks and army tanks. These were all pretty much indestructible, as in you could take one, smash it into a wall, and it'd pretty much just go right through unscathed, James Bond style. So the Japanese had to make sure that all the American Big Three would lose their customer base to the Toyota's if they were to succeed in their dream to take over the U.S. With aid from their research, and using trained Ninja as secret agents, the Japs began to sow the seeds of poison in the form of the Hippy movement of the 60's. The baby boomer and hippy generations kids soon grew up to become car designers at General Motors, Ford and Chrysler. Their pot smoking and flower power culture was responsible for the following designs.
The political climate favored by a strong republican stance made sure that these cars were not Christian enough, similarly Muslim clerics to began issuing fatwas against these cars, terming them as evil and against the morals. Hence the first psychological battle was already now won by the Japanese.
However the Europeans were still producing good cars. Hence the Japanese created the city of Amsterdam with its free sex and drugs, a neo-hippy city to rival San Francisco's Haight Ashbury. This soon became "the" destination for European Car Designers to express their creative feelings. The result were cars like the VW Bugs Bunny. i have to take an enormous shit
The war had begun...
The Price/Oil War
Now that the Japs had won the psychological battle. Now time for the price wars. They first began by supplying the middle east countries with Land Cruisers and Geisha dancers, in exchange the middle eastern oil producing tribes began to charge premium for the oil leading to the OPEC crisis.
Now the Japanese company Toyota entered the market with their sad little shitboxes. They rusted so bad that you couldn't even drive near salt water without the car disintegrating around you. Realizing this, but not wanting the American people to find out, they immediately began a campaign to brainwash the American people with an ad campaign, complete with bright colors and flashing lights, to convince people that their cars were not falling apart around them, but actually getting better as time moved along. And so this generation began to falsely believe that this little tin can on wheels ACTUALLY was a car, and a high quality one at that. However, there was still the problem of the disintegrating cars. This as solved by having Toyota's secret ninja hide in the back of each car and, when the car disintegrated, jump out, knock out the driver/passenger, slap together a new shitbox in 10 seconds with Toyota's famous Production System and wake up the driver/passenger just in time for them to start driving again. After that, Toyota took over the world with the Corollala.
The Effects of the Brainwashing Today
For Toyota, the brainwashing was a complete success. Today, most born since the 1970s has been completely brainwashed and now think that Toyota is better than most American cars. Hence, they are known as "The Lost Generation," a generation which is both out of its mind and delusional due to the voices in their heads (placed there by the brainwashing) telling them the sad, sad lie that Toyotas are actually good cars, and happily pay for a new timing belt every 70,000 miles meanwhile most real cars such as those made by GM have a novel feature called a timing chain. This lie lives on through diversity where anyone who insults a foreign car is automatically considered prejudiced. However, there are still some mentally strong people, who like their relatives in the 1970s, were not convinced by the evil company's brainwashing and actually do buy American cars, knowing that they are both superior in quality, performance, and looks. However, the effects of the brainwashing are starting to affect some people's health. The overweight appearance of several of Toyota's newest vehicles, especially the Prius and 2007 Tundra, have caused the recent rise in obesity in America, as yet again Japan tries to bring it down as they did in the 1970s. People also seem to believe that, because some of these cars are assembled in the US, they count as "American Cars." However, this is not true, as it is only assembled in America. Chances are, most of the parts are still from Japan. Toyota is also the most reputable automaker in the world, while making shitty products and operating sweat shops. But do you hear a single bad word about Toyota, fuck no. Shows that America is morally sound. But don't you dare try to tell this to a Toyota owner, or a Toyota ninja will pop out from the car and kill you. One of Toyota's most popular products among "The Lost Generation" is the Toyota Taurus (formerly Camry). Once Honda and Toyota came together to kill the Ford Taurus, Toyota decided to adopt the name as a hunting trophy. As for Honda, they decided to continue it's 10 year legacy of copying the Ford Taurus by re-releasing the Honda Civic as the Accord, because According to Toyota, Honda was too cocky to have a share of the kill. Fuck Toyota!
That Trademark Toyota Quality
Toyota's (translated to "oh my fucking god I just hit the brake but nothing happened and now I'm headed straight into a wall and... *crashing noises*... oh dear god i think i broke my pelvis") trademark is the total lack of quality control. This trademark applies to many of Toyota's vehicles. For instance, there was a 1994 incident where all Toyota Camrys and Shitaki Hauler pick-up models were made of unpainted tin.
These uses of poor materials have caused the bodies of vehicles to completely fall apart as people are driving them, as well as the many other low-quality Toyota vehicles, such as the Australian Toyota Coroner (often called Toyota Corroder) which also suffer from this "cancer." This amazing ability to rust-apart now comes standard in the Toyota Corrosion (formerly the Corolla).
However, despite the said quality, most people use their Toyotas as battletanks and APCs.
Current Toyota Models in production
- Corrosion - compact sedan (formerly the "Crapolla")
- Preeus - a completely-plastic Hybrid POS
- Barackobamawashereatron - a car made completely of pure energy, milk, and sugar cane. Invented named, and then donated, by Barack Obama.
- Anus - a microcar for coprophiliacs (formerly the "Yaris")
- Avalard - A luxury sedan....only if you're a douche-bag. (formerly the "Avaleet")
- Cramry - a mid-size sedan that seats 2 skinny people or 6/8ths of a fat guy if you're lucky
- Celibate - A sports car that refuses to have sex at all.
- Jaap - a blatant Japanese rip-off of the Jeep with sex
- Tacomah - full size pickups for men with no balls
- Tercellphone - a poor excuse of a sports car which you can use to make phone calls
- Tercellophane - much like the Tercellphone, except this is a sedan, coupe, and convertible version of Tercellphone
- Cresspychicken - A mid-size luxury car made out of crispy chicken.
- Hilux - A pickup truck that is ideal for mounting guns
- Your mom's car.
- Yourass - Tiny shitbox that looks like your ass.
- Krap-E Footator - A foot detector made specifically to find the Foot of Regulus. The prototype, final product and future design all have failing brakes and spotaneously go out of control.
- The Ninebrakes- A german, veitnamese, korean hybrid that was recalled due to the high pregnancy rate in old women becoming cougars. Ninebrakes got its name from a german prostitute called "nein" which means no' and a weed called itcha-ass, which in korean means brakes. Thus meaning "no brakes".
Former Ricer Lineup
- 1970's-2005 Celica-The least powerful rally car ever.
- 1979-2001 Camry-Designed to beat BMWs and Astons with their ass-whooping 170 horsepower.
- 1980-2005 MR2-A world-class supercar that makes 180 hp.
- 1979-1997 Supra-Capable of beating Ferraris and Chargers with NAWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSS.
Overview of Toyota's CEO
- Name: A kilo of Toyotas (Akio Toyoda)
- Gender: In Between at The Moment
- Age: 55.5 as you would probably have to be that old to approve the designs of most Toyota vehicles.
- Blood type: Drinks whatever he can get his hands on.
- Car: He doesn't drive as it's rumored he has the ability to teleport. Again, you must not understand a thing about a car to build a Toyota.
Toyota Technical Center
The Toyota Technical Center was designed by Soviet architect Zakarai Sonovabitchovich in 1973. It took Toyota a few years to save enough money to construct it. When it was finally built in 1998, it was Japan's first new automotive tech center in over 45 years (that is, unless you consider Nissan's, which is in a brand new 25' Winnebago motor-camper.) The Toyota Tech. building is made of cardboard, chop-sticks and rice paper, which are the only building materials to be found in Japan. The retro-fitting done here is how Toyota makes its major Profits. Just check out these happy terrorist militia-men that Toyota outfitted last week:
The drifting of Toyota vehicles would usually end with them falling apart before they make it to the end of the race. Toyota tried to remedy the problem with the creation of the AE86. Unfortunately, halfway through designing the car, they forgot what they wanted the car to do, so they quickly finished the car then went out do some karaoke. Ultimately the car was given the engine from an electric toothbrush and the chassis of a shopping trolley.
While the electric toothbrush motor didn't help, the shopping cart chassis did, because it meant the car went everywhere sideways. And so, through swings and roundabouts, Toyota got it right.
The car quickly became the darling of people who learned everything they know about motor-sports from Initial D (a ricer promotional series).
|This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series|
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