Pokémon

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Pokémon (Japanese: 陰茎の穴) is a multi-billion dollar franchise created by Nintendo. It consists of an RPG video game series, an anime, and a trading card game. The concept revolves around various people stuffing small animals into tiny hollow orbs and forcing them to fight each other. Nintendo keeps the games fresh by making each new title innovative, yet indistinguishable from previous titles.

Pokémon provided many '90s–early 2000s children with hours of unique gameplay and addiction, and it is likely that it lead to the rapid increase in animal abuse by kids. There were three generations of Pokémon games, released from 1998 to 2003. Absolutely no more games have been released since then. None!

Gameplay[edit]

Players of Pokémon control a young orphaned boy who sets out to become a Pokémon Master after choosing one of three starter Pokémon from a scientist named after a tree. The player spends most of the game traveling through a cheap knockoff of Japan, trapping wild animals in small orbs and forcing them to fight each other for his amusement.

He also encounters strange buildings called Gyms, establishments that players are certainly unfamiliar with. At each Gym, the player must defeat the Gym Leader and earn a badge to advance the plot. After defeating all eight Gym Leaders, the player battles four exceptionally skilled Pokémon trainers known as the Elite Four followed by an even more exceptionally skilled Pokémon trainer known as the Champion.

List of games[edit]

Pokémon Red[edit]

Pokémon Red
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Red
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Blue[edit]

Pokémon Blue
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Blue
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Yellow[edit]

Pokémon Yellow
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Yellow
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Gold[edit]

Pokémon Gold
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Gold
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Silver[edit]

Pokémon Silver
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Silver
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Ruby[edit]

Pokémon Ruby
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Ruby
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Pokémon Sapphire[edit]

Pokémon Sapphire
POKEMONbright.jpg
Evil Pikachus were designed to fuse to the spinal column of children. The occupying factor was the child's futile attempt at removing the little nuisance.
Developer(s) The Japanese
Publisher(s) Nintendo
Release date to United States children for mind-control
Genre Slavory Simulator
Platform(s) Game Boy
Rating Sapphire
Would King Boo play it? Not likely

Child mind-control at its finest, Pokémon (Japanese: ポケモン) was invented by the ancient Greeks but was only recently released to the world at large due to significant hold-ups in the patent office, although many believe it to be the work of the underworld.

Based loosely on the conviction that kids actually suck and can only be permitted to live insofar as they will eventually become not-kids, the Greeks sought the implementation of the Pokémon as a means of occupying the little buggers long enough to allow the adults to sneak out to late night bingo and philosophy death-matches near the fountain south of the Parthenon.

Sadly, the Greeks were unable to occupy their children in this manner, owing to the fact that none of the little brats wanted to train their L3 Sentret after seeing the awesome Wargreymon on the box, and were eventually forced to eat them or train them in the ways of beer-vending (as many beer-vendors were being killed off when the bingo and philosophy death-matches got out of hand).

When Pokémon was finally pushed through the patent office and introduced to the world, children had already developed an immunity to it by breathing toxins released into the upper atmosphere by millions of Japanese Soy Sauce cooking "incidents." Greeks on the other hand went on to invent one of the world's most beloved product lines. The publishment of the game launched many Pokémon careers. Sonic starred in a Japanese remake of the classic, "Godzilla" but was fired after allegedly consuming the director, Kawasaki Mitsubishi. Others, who weren't so lucky, resorted to other sources for sustenance. Jigglypuff and Ditto assumed a career as a crcandy addicted gamer on Nevada street corners. Ditto was especially popular, as it turned into anything you wanted. Jigglypuff was forced to sing as a pathetic attempt to get some recognition. This is actually a really good videogame. You should play it sometime.


Anime[edit]

There was also a Pokémon anime on Kids' WB. It ran from 1998 to 2003, with five seasons, 273 episodes, two specials, and five feature-length films that had Misty in them, and only Misty (and Brock). No more!

In the series, ten-year-old Ash Ketchum is kicked out of the house by his parents for slacking off and not getting a job. Yes, in this universe, 10-year-olds are basically adults. So Ash, being the vagabond that he is, breaks into the local zoo and steal a Pokémon named Pikachu, a creature known for its electro-shock attack and extensive vocabulary. He will use it to win cock-fighting tournaments in the hopes of making enough money to buy his own brothel.

As time goes on, fame goes to Ash's head, and he soon wants much more than a brothel. In fact, he breaks into song:

I wanna be the very best [Pokémon trainer], that no one ever was.
To catch them is my real test—to train them is my cause.
I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.
Teach Pokemon to understand the power that's inside.
Pokemon (gotta catch 'em all).
It's me and you.
I know it's my destiny.
Pokemon, oh, you're my best friend.
In a world we must defend.
Pokemon (gotta catch 'em all), a heart so true.
Their courage will pull them through.
You teach me and I'll teach you.
(Po-ke-mon) GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!

To achieve fame and fortune, Ash enlists the help of his two friends: jailbait red-head Misty and extroverted token blasian Brock. Together, they must search their world for all Mew (only 150!) Pokémon, while avoiding the likes of the wacky & sexually-confused Team Rocket.

Trading card game[edit]

Charmillionaire card: This rare dragon, barely goes outside...due to its tail being a lighter.

There's also a Pokemon trading card game, one of the essentials in a nerd's inventory. The cards were designed and distributed by the Japanese government in the late '90s to promote capitalism in communist countries.

In the game, each player needs to make a deck consisting of at least 2 cards. You also need a triple-sided coin, and some damaged counters (if you don't have any, take the counter from your kitchen, it will become damaged when you remove it). Shuffle the deck, and then set 6 side-cards face down. These side-cards are given to the winner of the game. Flip a triple-sided coin to see who goes first. Each player picks up seven cards and puts any card he/she wishes onto the table face-down.

After you turn them face-up, then whoever's number is lower gets to play first. You can play however many cards you want on your turn, except for Blastoise which can only be played once (unless you have a Water Energy in play). Compare your strength to your opponent's weakness to see if you win. If you do, then you get to add some damaged counters to your opponent's Pokemon. If they have too many, it is discarded and then the opponent has to pick another card. If you run out of cards then you automatically lose the game and, on rare occasions, your virginity.

Pokemon cards are of the following types:

  • Basic Pokemons: These cards are the most basic form of a Pokemon. Usually you can get more powers by adding an evolution card as well. Example: MissingNo
  • Evolution Cards: This card lets you evolve a Pokemon to a different Pokemon. Sometimes you will not have enough energy to do this. Normally if you have enough energy it will make it more powerful, but it also means that you have to discard multiple cards if you lose this. Example: Venustoise
  • Trainer: This card is a powerful card, even though you usually have to discard it right away. You better listen to what they said, because they are good trainers. Some trainers, such as Professor Oak, tell you do things that doesn't make sense, such as "Discard your hand, and then draw seven cards". Obviously you can't draw anything if you don't have a hand to hold the pencil. Professor Oak was probably drunk at that time. Example: Bill (draw 2 cards)
  • Energy: These are the most powerful cards in the entire game, which is why you are limited to only one per turn. So if you want to win this game, make a deck entirely out of energy cards and/or Blastoises. There are eight different kinds of energy, from weakest to strongest, they are: Water, Leek, Fighting, Cascade, Power, Volcano, Psychic, and Powerless.
  • Pass Card: This card has no effect. (This card was originally called a "Psst!" card.) Example: Imakuni?'s computer (even Imakuni? has a computer, and on his day off he goes into his computer to think about the past.) Easy to trade to toddlers and beginners, because you can lie and say they're good cards. Look out for karma, though.
  • Pretty Rare Ones: Like the ones you can get like 6 basic cards for. The ones that put fear in an 8 year old's eyes. Usually shiny or in a foreign language.
Drugs were heavily abused in the making of this.

Each Pokemon card has the following parts:

  • Name: This is the name of the card. It is useful in case you forget what it is.
  • HP: HP is short for horse power. It is used in case you want to run away. It tells you how fast you can run away from your opponent's pokemon.
  • Strength: The symbol next to the HP tells you your strength. Compare it against your opponent's weakness to see if you win. But even if you don't, you will probably still damage it.
  • Power: Usually this section of the card indicates automatic effects that are related to this card, so pay attention.
  • Attacks: These attacks are used mostly if you wish to damage your opponent. You need the correct kind of energy if you want to attack, unless it is a star, in that case you can use anything. There are many different kind of attacks in this game, including but not limited to: "Egg Drop", "Stink", "Peace Treaty","Lunch Break", and "Professor Oak's Microwave of Powerlessness".
  • Weakness: If you have a weakness, then you can get double damaged. Obviously, it is usually (but not always) better to not have a weakness. Ghost pokemon don't have a weakness, so they can take only a single damage.
  • Resistance: This lets you reduce some of the damage that you are taking. For example, a resistance of 0Ω means that it conducts perfectly. Of course, nothing is perfect, and you should better get a resistance of 1kΩ.
  • Flavor text: This text is useless. Ignore it. Unless you are hungry and you want to eat the cards.
  • Back: The back of the card has a picture of a ball half red and half white, and it is useful if you want to make sure that you are using the correct cards to play this game.
  • Team Rocket: They are thieves who are known to steal Pokemon cards out of people's pockets.

There are many strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game, these are just a few of them... Actually, there are no strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game. If you play this game you're already a loser. But here are some ways to make your opponent a BIGGER loser:

  • Haymaker: This uses the Trainer card "Haymaker" to turn all Pokemons on both sides into hay.
  • Rain Dance: Lots of Blastoises and water energies blasts the opponent's Pokemon while he is distracted by you doing a rain dance.
  • Damage Swap: While your opponent isn't looking, you transpose the damaged counters between your Pokemon and his.
  • Imakuni?: Makes your own active pokemon confused. Imakuni? wants you to play him as a basic pokemon but you can't.
  • Shed Skin: Rip the skin off your hands and distract your opponent with it. All that time, your 7 sided card will blast the opponents pokemon.
  • Be Creepy: Hold up every card before playing it while making a really creepy face and saying creepy things in an attempt to freak out your opponent (face paint optional).
  • FALCON PUNCH! You falcon punch the crap out of their pokemon nuff seid you win.
  • Lighter You light all your opponents card while they're not looking(for some extra fun also light them on fire!)
  • The Ol' 1-2 Distract your opponent by tactically obtaining one of his cards, then whilst doing so, slyly switch your Poke Trainer card for his deck. He will be none the wiser!

Controversy[edit]

Many schools in the US and Europe banned young people from playing Pokemon. Possession of a Pokemon card at one time led to five-year in prison and dealing Pokemon cards was life imprisonment. Some dealers who were caught selling shiny Pokemon cards are still on death row awaiting execution. In 2000, a Hungarian man went to trial in England for soliciting sex with a prostitute, a charge heightened by the fact he tried to pay with a shiny Blastoise card. It is still illegal to carry Pokemon cards in 136 countries, but some are lenient towards limited and regulated medicinal use, for use by desperate nerds. Currently, the UN has declared Pokemon cards to be "a cause of permanent brain damage...with obsession, gambling, and spending excess amounts of money on the game, as dangerous signs."

In 2001 John Travolta recruited, or rather, forced at gunpoint the number one hacker in the world, Hugh Jackman to attempt Operation Swordfish. The aim was to steal enormous amounts of money, including the government's, in order to buy Pokemon cards. The plan was foiled however, when Travolta realized several months after the theft that he did not know how to play by the official TCG rules.

In 2008 courts across America finally agreed that schools just have a silver spoon up their ass, and just need to get busy livin, or get busy dyin'. At the supreme court, the Chief o' J just went off, saying, "Man whatever, the superintendents just need to relax, play some TCG." It is rumored however that the Chief o' J was under the influence of Pokemon cards.