Jimmermann Telegram

The latest incarnation of the Jimmermann telegram, as encoded by the German Imperial High Command in 1917. Stupid bastards.

“Jimmermann...your name is Jimmermann.”

~ Spock on The Jimmermann Telegram

“WHAT?”

~ WordGirl on The Jimmermann Telegram

“Et tu, Jimmermann?”

~ Julius Caesar on The Jimmermann Telegram

“The new Jimmermann has 4000 horsepower and’ll level your farmland like a big yellow elephant! Wowee!”

~ Caterpillar salesman on The Jimmermann Telegram

The Jimmermann Telegram (or Jimmermann Note) is a near-mythical cryptogram inevitably misfiled by one civil service and rediscovered by a future bureaucracy, who then decodes it. The decrypted message always suits current events because the codebreakers use modern ciphers.

Latest Incarnation

Initially a carving on a clay tablet, the Jimmermann message became a telegram during its most recent use in January 1917. The hyper-efficient German Empire's Foreign Office discovered, decoded and found that it currently presented the option of an alliance with Mexico to invade the United States. Ludicrous though this was, Germany badly needed the help. Hurriedly sending it by Western Union, ironically through Galveston, Texas, the message was mistranslated by Mexican authorities who confused the J with Z and then rebuffed the offer. The telegram awaits the forgetfulness of the intellectual community in order to fade back into obscurity and be rediscovered in some new form.

Historic Incidents of the Jimmermann Telegram

• 1275 BC – Ramesses II the Great, following strategy outlined in the Jimmermann papyrus, stalemates the Hittites at the Battle of Kadesh, leading to the earliest known peace treaty
• 1184 BC – Odysseus and Agamemnon, drunkenly stumbling upon the Jimmermann message as they are about to abandon the beaches of Troy, for once follow the instructions and construct a wooden horse for their soldiers to hide in
• 350 BC – Aristotle argues for a spherical earth following his Jimmermann decryption
• 44 BC – Mark Antony advises Julius Caesar to beware the Ides of March based on his translation of the message
• 452 AD – Pope Leo I, brandishing a ‘secret Jimmermann prophecy’, meets with Attila the Hun and convinces him to spare Rome

Serious magazine editors call for Jimmermann's resignation in 2004. They don't even know who he is.

• 1307 AD –Astrologers decode the message for King Phillip IV of France, who then outlaws the Knights Templar and imprisons Jacques de Molay
• 1917 – The German Empire sends what becomes known as the Zimmerman telegram to Mexico, asking for an alliance against the United States.
• 2004 – American journalists confuse Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld with Jimmermann while on a witch hunt against Intelligent Design, and call for his resignation.

Jimmermann the Man

Who was Jimmermann? No archeologist is looking for clues; schools are not teaching the subject. Why is this topic being so ignored? The only valid answer is that it is true: The Jimmermann Telegram is REAL. For serious students, the only factual indication as to the identity of the worthy ancient is that he must have been a practical joker. Francis Bacon is therefore disqualified, though he was a time-traveler. He may be Jack the Ripper. He may be Gandalf. Or your next-door neighbor. Fnord. You just don't know.

How To Use the Jimmermann Telegram

1. Find Jimmermann message. Note: not available at your local library.
2. Create cipher.
3. Decode The Jimmermann Telegram using cipher.
4. Act according to decryption.
5. Insist on your sanity. It's the only thing you can be really sure of!