Garbage
“What’s better’n BTS? Garbage!”
“What a dump!”
“Garbage day!”
“In soviet Russia, garbage throw YOU out!”
According to the latest findings of modern science, garbage is one of the four fundamental elements of nature along with air, water, and nicotine. It's also the definition of you.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
Garbage was discovered in 1970 by noted ecologist Dick Cheney, who himself is garbage (that helped him). Prior to the discovery of garbage, unwanted items and refuse were thought to be created by a process of "spontaneous generation". This theory held that waste was assembled at the subatomic level by exceptionally tiny flies. When exceptionally tiny flies were shown to exist only in close proximity to screen doors, scientists began the research which led to the discovery of the garbage molecule.
Properties[edit | edit source]
Garbage exists in various forms, including classic homemade bagged garbage, slimy commercial franchised garbage (such as McMuffins), and the black stuff stuck onto beakers after a chemistry experiment.
The molecular composition of garbage is impossible to study, because no known solvent can fully dissolve samples of garbage; it also refuses to decompose in the face of extreme temperature, pressure, and radiation. Thus, there are plans of making new-generation hazmat suits out of garbage. However, leading chemist Habib Puddentane theorizes that the molecule is mildly unstable – although Puddentane himself is mildly unstable, having publicly threatened to "slap himself silly" over what he describes as "the rampant misuse of Kool-Aid™ products by rolling the empty packets into a cylinder and shoving them up your ass".
Uses[edit | edit source]
The discovery of garbage has opened the way to a number of significant techno advances. Physicist Karl Childers theorised that garbage can exist in verbal form, a breakthrough which allowed Republicans to use the internet for the first time ever. As a result, AOL's stock experienced record-setting orgspasms.
Using garbage as a renewable fuel source has been enhanced by the discovery of a process that converts the contents of mobile home lots into energy. Since 1983 more than twenty million broken refrigerators and rusty transmissions have been recycled, allowing the energy demands of Bill Gates's mansion to be met at least sixteen days per year (and twice on Sundays). Also worth mentioning is the euphemism (waste) for remains.
Garbage men also use garbage juice (the green stuff that comes out the bottom of the sack) as a very nutritional drink. If they are hungry they will also raid the bin until they find something like a banana peel.
Interesting side effects of garbage[edit | edit source]
Just like all other elements have their spin-offs and variations (wind's dust storms, water's acid rain, etc.), garbage was the initial reason for inventing the garbage can. While it was originally hailed as "the best thing since sliced bread", a variation (the dome-topped swinging-door type) inspired the popular cartoon character, The Juggernaut (Bitch). A dub of an episode of X-Men by a team of black people brought widespread fame to The Juggernaut character. One would be within their right to then claim that the element garbage is responsible for the Juggernaut, and also giving several black people a job, giving garbage plus-five points over George W. Bush.
Criticism[edit | edit source]
As of this writing, garbage has never been publicly recognised except on The Jerry Springer Show, a highly-rated television program featuring live elephants' being devoured by polygamous lesbians.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
Garbage is not just junk. Some see it as the most beautiful thing on the planet, to wit the homeless.