Vending machine vending machine
“This thing sells vending machines.”
The vending machine vending machine is a vending machine which vends vending machines. The world's only vending machine vending machine is found on the top of a mountain near Kathmandu. Very little is known about this legendary construction; how it came to be remains a mystery. The vending machine vending machine is maintained by its guardians, an equally mysterious group known only as "the Guardians of the Vending Machine Vending Machine" or TGOTVMVM. It is they who control the distribution of the vending machines which the vending machine vending machine produces. The vending machine vending machine accepts only two forms of tender, your children's souls or Canadian quarters. Inserting either of these will produce the much sought after junkfood dispenseries, which are of the highest quality to be found anywhere in the world.
Each new vending machine is ritually blessed by the highest echelons of TGOTVMVM. There you can cart away the machine yourself or you can pay them (by human sacrafice) to carefully pack and ship the machine anywhere around the world in delicate giant bubble wrap and silvery ribbons carefully tied together by the young apprentices of TGOTVMVM who have a pair of scissors which they use to scrape the end of the ribbon to get that curly effect thing it does.
The vending machine vending machine should not be mistaken for the coffee dispenser coffee dispenser which is of no relation to the vending machine vending machine nor TGOTVMVM. The coffee dispenser coffee dispenser is considered extremely unsafe as it is designed to dispense liquid, not full sized machines and they are guarded by TGOTCDD (the Gods of the Coffee Dispenser Dispenser) who are known to have less moral scruples than TGOTVMVM. Once a year TGOTVMVM have a battle royale with TGOTCDD by dispensing coffee machines or vending vending machines and throwing them at each other. When the battle royale is over, the TGOTCDCDs and the TGOTVMVM shake each others hand and have a lunch consisting of Doritos and black coffee.
Humanity
It is possible that humans were dispensed from an organic vending machine in order to create a demand for vendable products like potato chips and used panties. As vending deities cared little for the actual content of air filled plastic bags and pressurized aluminum cans, vendable products were doomed from the start to taste like shredded newspaper and ingredients and preservatives which sound like words from another planet. It is all part of the absurd game that is human impulse buying and disinterested gods.
Creation
None speak of how exactly the vending machine vending machine came into existence, but some quietly consider it may even have vended itself, seeing a need for vending in the world where it was needed ... to vend. It is also rumored to have been vended by a higher level of vending machine, the legendary vending machine vending machine vending machine, although no vending machine vending machine vending machine has ever been found. The vending machine vending machine vending machine's possible origin also remains a subject of much speculation, and leading vendologists claim that the existence of a vending machine vending machine vending machine is highly improbable, as it would break all laws of the human being's attention span.
| “ | "Huh?" | ” |
... is all Mr. Gheligjeh had to say about this topic, but when his wife was asked about the vending machine vending machine, she explained
| “ | You aren't ready to understand! It breaks all laws of science and nature! It's absolutely spectacular; I have pictures of one throughout my home, none of which you could understand. Some even say I'm obsessed but then, you wouldn't understand it even if you dreamed about the VMVMVM! | ” |
The VMVMVM, vending machine vending machine vending machine, is perhaps an allegory for the highest possible obtainable thing imaginable or Aristotle's concept of the unmoved mover, the vending thing which cannot be vended. Some vendologists speculate that the theoretical VMVMVM may have vended the very fabric of the universe and even time itself. Steven Hawking has speculated that before the Big Bang, all that existed were VMVMVMs, which may have vended the laws of physics so it could eternally vend machines which could vend other machines and so on, a sort of vending evolution similar to the true drive behind Earthly life: the relentless replication of DNA.
Vending machine vending machine vending machine vending machine
It has been argued that the existence of a vending machine vending machine vending machine vending machine would break the second law of space and time, which states simply that: "A vending machine vending machine vending machine vending machine would be so powerful that it would collapse in on itself and vend a supermassive black hole which would accelerate the big crunch making it occur tomorrow instead of a million thousand billion google years from now." This theoretical vending machine vending machine vending machine vending machine is considered so absurd that nobody could possibly take it seriously. It would push the boundaries of all verisimilitude and would have us enter the world of intellectual surrealism which we at uncyclopedia don't want to do.
Commercial history
As an investment, the vending machine vending machine was hideously expensive in research and design costs. Normally, designers of a product attempt to manufacture thousands or millions of identical units, allowing design costs to be divided across a large production base.
This was not to be with the design of the vending machine vending machine. Sure, it looked like a great idea and a recipe for commercial success until the first prototype arrived at the loading dock. Immediately, disillusioned investors realized they had a major problem: the vending machine vending machine was unsellable. Because a vending machine vending machine can vend an unlimited quantity of vending machine vending machines, sell one and the market is immediately and forever saturated.
There was only one solution; a massive cover up in which the one existing prototype was packed up and shipped far, far away from prying human eyes in a Shangrila setting. In order to ensure vending machine vending machine non-proliferation, it would be operated where divine beings could keep tabs on it to ensure that it is used only to vend vending machines and not to vend more vending machine vending machines.
VMVM humor
Mitch Hedberg, in a stand-up comedy routine, said he would enjoy a vending machine that sold vending machines. He went on to specify that it would have to be "real fuckin' big". He failed as a comedian and lost his next job as a bus boy.
Problems
The vending machine doesn't accept American coins as they absolutely wreak havoc with it's money digestion process. It also cannot connect to WiFi, as it is perched high up on a mountain top; this makes contactless credit card purchases also difficult. Because buying a vended vending machine is expensive and it accepts only Canadian quarters (if you don't have a the soul of a child handy), one has to carry up several enormous suitcases full of Canuck quarters just to buy a vending machine (assuming you don't have or you don't wish to purchase it with human souls). Luckily, Sherpas can be "hired" to do the heavy work for you, and the vending machine can be carried down the mountain on the back of several donkeys if you cannot afford shipping.
Religion
“Could God make a vending machine He couldn't vend?”
This was a popular question among philosophers in the Renaissance era. The Vatican even went to so far as to offer a reward to anyone who could find such a machine but the plague came about and distracted people. As philosophers lost interest in the question they ignored this quest and spent their time searching for the foreskin of Jesus.
Tricks
If you go to the vending machine vending machine when nobody is guarding it and you hit it in just the right place it will vend a vending machine for free. You'll have to be fast and take it out and run away with it before the divine protectors find out. You will incur the wrath of the VMVM guardians who will definitely try to hunt you down (and they almost certainly will find you). Their entire family honor will rest on locating you, taking back the machine and trapping your soul for eternity inside the VMVM.
See also
- List of weapons that don't exist, but should
- Boxer boxer
- Vending
- Machine
- Vending machine
- Vending machine vending machine vending machine
