User:Zim ulator/UnHoroscope Catbox

Week 9/6/10

Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are either Polynesian or blues singers at heart. With ambitions and aspirations far in advance of their talents, they often get themselves into trouble at work and home. Some self-proclaimed geniuses and many founders of crackpot cults are Virgos. Literacy is sketchy and good manners in short supply with this lot. Most find themselves employed as scalawags, layabouts, architects, writers, clergy, sycophants and prestidigitators.

Famous Virgos born this week include Eve, Baal, Christopher Cross, Lilith, Dick Armey, Pepsi, Kevin Sorbo, Julia Child, Bill Clinton, Pete Seeger and Napoleon.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week is a great time to refinance with a sub-prime mortgage. That smell is you. Always carry matches.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Too many X-rays will cause you to grow a tail. Take it all in stride. If you keep crushing small animals, you will be caught and punished.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Try a slow Brazilian wax for an extra thrill. Spinning in your chair makes your coworkers think you're smart. Your accent is stupid.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Friday will be a great day to try and take over the world.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Several people want to kill you. Pack an extra handkerchief this week. There is a good chance your nose will be broken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That embarrassing flatulence problem can be controlled by diet. Try shoving a dryer sheet up your ass. Play the lottery on Wednesday.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Avoid the French, polar bears and politics this week. Consider taking up falconry to attract chicks. Metallica is writing a song about you.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your doppleganger robbed a liquor store and killed 6 people last week. Don't be surprised when the police pay you a visit. Do not answer the door with a gun in your hand or on your person.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, avoid being eaten or struck by lightening. You may be hit by a meteorite on Friday. You smell like Irwin Rommel.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will be poisoned on Saturday, either by a coworker or a romantic rival. Stay near a hospital if possible. Get a fun tattoo!

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Do something about that back hair before apes start noticing you. Warming a melon in the microwave, putting a wig on it and drilling a hole does not constitute a date.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The world would be a nicer place without most of you around, mucking things up. Why don't you all just go live on some big, dumb island together and fuck off!