User:Thraeryn/Kingdom of Loathing

“To know us is to loathe us.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.

This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that this ring isn't a cudgel, you barbarian, Rosebud is a sled, Norman Bates is really the murderer, Borat marries a hooker from Dallas and returns to Kazakhstan with her, Brad and Jessie become zombies, the Stormbreaker computers release a deadlier, genetically modified type of smallpox when activated, Luigi's Mansion is an illusion, Ben elopes with Mrs. Robinson's daughter during her wedding, Santa doesn't exist,and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

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Emaciation typical of KoL addicts.

Kingdom of Loathing (or KoL) is a highly complex game developed by the JickHead Inc. The extensive, high-quality artwork tends to highlight the lack of effort put into the rest of the game, which was based on the highly experimental PONG engine. A swirling swirl of swirling controversy surrounds the the game, including ties to hard drug use, incest, and the Welsh. Relatively, the global conspiracies that control the content of the game are boring, and involve such obscure names as Lenin, Capitalism and Canadia.

Notes

• The currency of the kingdom is meat. Many people have wondered why you cannot just eat your meat to keep you from starving, although since starving is not actually a game mechanic, these people are widely ignored.
• The Council of Loathing assigns the quests which comprise the story to satisfy those adventurers who think gaming is about 'the story'.
• Adventurers have familiars, blatantly linking the game to Wicca and its thousands of teenage practitioners.
• Players often battle other people for rank in something called PvP (short for "player v. player"). It's vaguely like the Roman Colisseum if you ignore the "omg i fuxxed ur mom" messages traded between combatants.
• The Hermit is all of the players' main nemesis, though in the end of the game he turns out to be the players' greatest ally.
• The majority of KoL players are, in fact, stick figures. Fat cat imperialists are not welcome and will be murdered by high-level players, low-level players, and those little rats in the tavern.

Dates of Note

• Circa 476 CE - Jick is born. At the same time, the Roman Empire falls. This is correlation, not causation.
• Circa 1453 CE - Mr. Skullhead is born. At the same time, the Byzantine Empire falls. This is causation, not correlation.
• 1588 CE - Jick and Mr. Skullhead meet for the first time. At the same time, the Spanish Armada is defeated.
• October 28, 1905 - Due to a temporal rift opened on White Wednesday (see below), Jick starts the Cola Wars, creating the first known Internet web page ever.
• January 31, 2003 - The birth of the Kingdom is lauded by the Union of Internet Shorebots, a group of computer scripts that has been totally without purposeful activity.
• September 16, 2003 - Mr. Skullhead is hired to watch adult films and create corresponding game content.
• January 25, 2004 - Women are allowed to play for the first time.
• May 6, 2004 - A second server is added, designated "whites only".
• June 9, 2005 - Ascension is implemented, thus shifting the game from beta to gamma. Ascension allows players to beat the game and "ascend" into higher planes of existence. How Jick has managed to program this to happen outside the game is anyone's guess.
• June 10, 2005 - First complaint that new game content "makes hardcore easier."
• October 25-27, 2005 - White Wednesday - Jick "accidentally" deletes his pants. He is able to fix them within one hour, but due to a temporal analomy (not to be confused with the word "anomaly"), his pants are offline for 48 pounds of Internet. Some members of the dev team take advantage of this time to loot the inventories of unpopular players.
• December 13, 2005 - Number of player accounts finally hits 1,000,000. Not counting multis and bots, 72. Not counting the inactive accounts, 6. Not counting the people who only play to spam the chat channels, 2. Not counting Jick or Mr. Skullhead, 0.
• December 26, 2005 - During one of his periodic drunken rampages, Jick decides to transfer the entire game to a new server. Disaster ensues, accompanied by outraged accusations that the move makes hardcore easier by allowing players to actually access the game.
• January 1, 2006 - A drunken Jick decides to reward everyone in the kingdom with a spiffy new item in celebration of Chinese New Year. No one has the heart to tell Jick he is almost a month off, though several players express confusion that Jick is Chinese and not Mexican.
• August 15, 2006 - A new item, the defective skull, is implemented. Users who equip it find that it makes statements and predictions of amazing accuracy. In fact, the first words spoken by an equipped defective skull are "I deduce that I make hardcore easier," said 0.03 seconds after its implementation and shattering all previous records set by human beings. The defective skull in question goes on to beat Gary Kasparov in chess and becomes self-aware shortly thereafter. Hundreds die.

People of Note

• Jick (#2)- He made (and deleted) the game.
• Mr. Skullhead (#13)- Jick's right-hand man (and what Jick's left hand is for).
• Mr. Skullheads's Mr. Mom (#69)- In Jick's bed.
• Multi Czar (#6, #32, #453, #5265, #12592, #32092, #54640, etc.)- The Kingdom's first and most successful farmer. Always willing to give newbies advice on the fine art of exploiting multis for fabulous profits.
• Xenophobe (#46205)- Xenophobe now writes most of the Kingdom's back-end code, giving it an ass that is the envy of all other MMORPGs. Xeno is known by many to be the smoothest speaker on the Thursday radio shows; his never stumbling over even the smallest words has lead many to desire him as a critical thinking professor and speech communications coach/tutor.
• Bashy (#91072)- Am keynote player in Kingdom who garner spots on several leader boards of loathing. He am one of poorest players in game, this have made his leaderboard excellence very respected by all those in the Kingdom. He also not am member of development team which make him even more extraordinary super duper ascender. Am. Bashy hate fetus, but Bashy love you!
• Thraeryn (#144429)- In addition to his stint as a Radio KoL DJ (see below), Thraeryn is known for being the asshole that took all your lame jokes out of this article. Invented wikis and single-handedly created Visual KoL, the VisualWiki, The KoL Wiki, KoL Coldfront, and Jinya.
• Jinya (#137679)- Some chick that shacks up with Thraeryn and has done nothing of import.

Areas of Note

Some of the game's less-controversial content.

• Gobbed Knob - location of the "harem" chat channel
• Spook Forest - one of the more overtly racist areas of the game
  • Items available here - white sheet, burning cross, rusty pickup truck (replaces meat car, gives intrinsic effect "White Power" (Gives drunkenness +25, +1 Muscle, -400 Moxie))
• The Orgasm - Largely unheard-of by both players and game admins.

Classes of Note

• Seal Clubbers: The intellectual elite of the Kingdom. They use mind over muscle to overpower enemies.
• Turtle Tamers: Hippies. Goddamn filthy hippies. And communists, to boot.
• Pastamancers: So named because of their love of "Spaghetti Breakfast".
• Saucerors: Saucy maids and wenches!
• Disco Bandits: Worship the Disco King Yggdrasill and Disco Jesus.
• Accordion Thieves: Derived from a joke on the wildly-popular television show Accordion to Jim.
• Bourgeois: The middle class, who rule the economy with their ruthless iron fists and self-created morals. High-levelled players beat them mercilessly since they go against everything that the game and its pure Marxist agenda stand for.
• Proletariat: The working class. The great prophet Marx has destined them to one day rise up against the Bourgeois in an epic struggle and create a Marxist utopia. Or, y'know, go home and complain about their boss all night.

Chat Channels of Note

/c newbie on a typical day.

• /c newbie - This is the only channel that allows you to offer meat for blowjobs. This chat channel is also responsible for the suicide deaths of many chat mods, and people with an IQ greater than PI.
• /c clan - has been closed following rumors of illegal activity and hate crimes. This is also the only place where cyber feetsecks was allowed.
• /c normal - For "general" chat. With the ongoing Balkanization of chat, this channel goes mostly unused. An excellent place to test your chat macros and false e-penis advertising.
• /c abnormal - For the rest of us.
• /c paranormal - A place to find astral spirit busters.
• /c trade - File sharing channel. Request warez here.
• /c foodcourt - Sexy teenage girls are waiting to chat with you for $3.99 a minute.
• /c harem - Support group for those who've gotten STDs from Mr Skullhead's mom.
• /c lounge - Big people with small penises. This channel does not exist.
• /c dev - Short for /c deviant. The only chat channel that Jick ever appears in.
• /c spot run - run, spot, run
• /c hardcore - Only available to those players 18 years of age or older (or 12-year-olds who click the 'I certify I am over 18' button).
• /c valhalla - Where players role-play ninth-century Viking raids.

Notes on Radio KoL

“Lights out! Bugbear radio! Turn that shit up!”

~ Rage Against the Machine on Radio KoL

This is the unofficial official home of official unofficial radio broadcasts. The unofficial and official DJs are usually drunkards with way too many MP3s who unofficially entertain the Kingdom. DJs (official, unofficial, and guest) must go through an arduous selection process that includes:

• sending in a drunken test recording
• waiting for a time when the station is accepting submissions, then sending a well-thought, articulate test recording
• creating a drunken test recording after articulate recording is rejected
• having sex on-air during first show

Radio KoL's most popular DJ by far is the wise and powerful Gene Ray. Though he only possesses ninety-six songs, listeners flock to listen to him expound upon the perfect communist synergy created by Jick and Mr Skullhead.

Former DJs of Note

• Sexygoddess, who had one extra-long tantric sex session that spanned the entirety of her sixty-nine shows. She retired triumphant at the ripe, old age of 70.
• Thraeryn, a crochety recluse whose favorite on-air topics involved his hot girlfriend, his favorite pizza toppings, and who should be up against the wall when Prince and the Revolution comes.