User:SteveSims/Obama

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MeetObama.JPG

Barack Obama is famous for hiding his platform behind a politcal smokescreen.

Hello, and welcome to tonight's edition of Meet the Candidate! I, as always, am your disembodied host, and tonight we will take a closer look at one of the many presidential hopefuls vying (that is, against Miss Spears), for your attention. Barack Saddam Hussein Obama, the potential Democratic presidential nominee who, for some ill-defined reason, has swept the populace off their feet, will be the focus of the program tonight. While Mr. Obama, offering no excuse, will not be attending to discuss himself personally, we've still compiled enough fascinating material to continue the show. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Obama, we've procured from reliable sources a brief biography of his earlier years. Let's begin, shall we?

Biography[edit | edit source]

The Golden Child[edit | edit source]

Hard to tell which one is him, isn't it?

Barack Obama was born on August 4th, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. Contrary to popular belief, his actual name was Obama Iraqa, but it was soon changed when he immigrated to the U.S. His father, a black Kenyan Muslim, seperated from his mother, a white Kansan atheist, when he was only two years old. The rest of Obama's childhood was spent whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse, as is evidenced in his adolescent journal.


Although he is only half black, and was raised entirely by white Hawaiian grandparents, he is still referred to as the "first black president" by cultural standards. This can be proven true by the following scenario: there are six fruits in a basket. Three are oranges, three are apples. The basket is hanging from an apple tree, in an apple orchard. But it's still going to be the first basket of oranges in the White House!

Later Childhood[edit | edit source]

A young Obama. Either enraged at his lack of acceptance or stoned out of his mind. You decide.

Obama's father, hearing of his distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Obama soon became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character. In addition to this, Obama became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in America.


After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances.

Adulthood[edit | edit source]

Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend college at prestigious Occidental College in Los Angeles. Realizing his mistake, he transferred to Harvard University, and there attained dual degrees in Law and Condescension. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.

Soon after his graduation from Harvard, he returned to Chicago to fight crime and become a civil rights lawyer.

Humble Beginnings[edit | edit source]

After working as a civil rights lawyer, he took a job in a community activist group. This position was roughly equivalent to “political bitch.” His actual work was menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success.

2008 Election[edit | edit source]

Obama entered campaign with this ad; unluckily, his marketers were imprisoned for copying Borat's movie poster.

Obama, promising the people "Bread, Circuses, and more Change than you can handle!" entered the 2008 race as a relative unknown. However, due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the common voter to his message, he has gained an advantage in the polls. His lead over Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, though, remains slim, and if this does not change soon, Obama may find his hopes for victory dashed. Of course, we all knew that Obama can't win. There is a reason the founding fathers name the place they work in the White House. Eventhrough Obama is practically white, it's just not gonna do it.

The Issues[edit | edit source]

Of course, we know that the American voter spends little time looking at a candidate's personal traits, and instead focuses rabidly on the actual issues. So, without further ado, a voter's guide to Barack Obama.

Change[edit | edit source]

Thumbs up for change!

I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?


Iraq[edit | edit source]

Mr. Obama plans to solve the crisis in Iraq by sending Tommy Lee Jones over there to take controll of the situation. American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.

No Child Left Behind[edit | edit source]

Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.

Health Care[edit | edit source]

Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US.

Illegal Immigration[edit | edit source]

I hope that we can change the way immigrants vote in California and if not, we can change our border's landscape with fences and hope that they don't know how to climb.

The Economy[edit | edit source]

Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things.

Abortion[edit | edit source]

I have clothes hangers and know how to use them. So you better change your abstinence-only programs so I won't have to.

So...[edit | edit source]

That's all the time we have for tonight! I hope you've learned a bit more about Barack Obama, and will be able to fulfill your civic duty as an informed voter in approximately one year. If you missed it, don't worry. Incessant coverage by Meet the Candidates! will continue until, and possibly after, the winner has been announced, with only frequent interruptions by Miss Spears. Up next, Are you smarter than a 5th grader?: International Edition.