User:Speculator/Devonport, Tasmania
| Devonport | |
|---|---|
| Motto: The City with Spirits (and beer too!) | |
| Civic anthem: "What shall we do with a drunken sailor." | |
| State | Tasmania |
| Official nickname | D'Port |
| Official language(s) | Slurred English |
| Mayor | The Three Amigos Guy |
| Currency | Silos |
| Opening hours | Depends how bad the hangover is. |
"... in Devonport... blah blah mullets, blah blah bogan, blah blah incest..." - Some Alleged Comedian
"It's like a port, a port that's full of Devon. Mmmmm, Devon" - Oscar Wilde while stoned
Devonport is the only city on Tasmania's North-West coast. The city's main claim-to-fame, and biggest drawcard, is that it's not Burnie. Devonport maintains a relationship with the ex-city of Burnie in much the same way a borderline-attractive girl maintains a friendship with an unattractive girl. This creates the illusion that the borderline-attractive girl is more attractive than she really is, by comparison.
Devonport is also known for being the easiest way to take your car with you when you leave/flee Tasmania for the land of opportunity that is mainland Australia, only to work for years waiting tables in an outer suburbs cafe while lying to your relatives back home about how great things are going for you. Proving to everyone that if you're useless in one state, chances are you're useless everywhere else.
History[edit | edit source]
Devonport was formed out of two settlements on either side of the Mersey River. Devonport was founded when the Eastern settlement (formerly Torquay) renamed itself to East Devonport. This caused confusion and chaos in the western settlement of Formby, whose residents were constantly asked, "if that's East Devonport, where's West Devonport?", eventually forcing them to rename their settlement, firstly to a rather unsuccessful "not West Devonport, so stop asking already", then finally, simply to Devonport.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Devonport is located at the mouth of the Mersey River, whose water is sourced from the pristine Cradle Mountain area. This water is known for its magical qualities, such that it is able to purify even the most foul effluent Devonport's heavy industry and agricultural operations can pump into it.
Much of Devonport's large expanses of flat land is reclaimed swamp, which was reclaimed from the hideously deformed swamp creatures who previously inhabited it when they decided to move from the flat, low-lying areas of Devonport to the hills around Morris Avenue and Canning Drive, where their descendants still exist today.
The CBD of Devonport is quite geographically dispersed, and is home to very few high-rise buildings. In fact the two largest multi-storey constructions in Devonport are moored in the Mersey River itself, and choose to spend only 50% of their time in the city. Some believe this is because they are passenger ferries, and this is their function, while others believe that they were previously two large red buildings who evolved into ships and are preparing to make a break for it.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Devonport's climate is typical of the North of Tasmania. Summer temperatures are warm, with little rain - unless you happen to be homosexual or not white, and are walking through parts of East Devonport - where you may be caught in a torrential downpour of abuse. Winter can be cold, seeing temperatures approach but rarely achieve zero degrees celsius. To remedy this, local youths have developed a plan to raise the average temperature of Devonport by constantly running their vehicles to create a localised greenhouse effect. This however can only be achieved in a small area, roughly the size of a city block, which sees most youths doing their civic duty and driving around selected blocks in Devonport almost endlessly. As yet, no temperature difference has been recorded, however efforts are ongoing.
Industry & Economy[edit | edit source]
Until the 1980's Devonports main industry was the building and supply of storage Silos. But in the 80's this industry underwent radical changes which saw Silo manufacturing moved to New Zealand, and subsequently the value of silos plummeted, leaving Devonport littered with Silos the city had no use for. In fact, the author of this article would like it to be known that he has a Silo for sale, good condition, barely used. All reasonable offers accepted! Since the silo industry collapsed, Devonport has fallen back to it's maritime roots, focusing on development of the port and the two modern passenger ferries. The ferries, through government subsidies provide a gateway out of Tasmania, one that allows passengers to take their Torana, VB Commodore, or similar with them. This government initiative is part of an attempt to export Tasmanias bogan population to Frankston, where noone will notice the difference.
Devonport is proudly, the only Tasmanian city or town to be able to host two Chickenfeed variety stores. This unique arrangement came to be because of an unprecedented demand from residents for Asian parallel imports, cheap knock-offs and anything that other stores couldn't or wouldn't sell. Devonport is unique in desiring products that don't quite work as expected, or at all, or products that have no discernable use in the first place. This lead to the opening of a second store just blocks from the first so that the people of Devonport could more easily purchase something from Chickenfeed to replace something they bought from Chickenfeed that broke or failed soon after it's first use.
Night Life[edit | edit source]
The majority of Devonports' night life occurs in King Street, however the first rule of King Street is "we don't talk about King Street", so this makes any discussion of what goes on there, quite difficult. What can be said however, is that Devonport has a very vigorous night-life, although the use of the word "life" in night-life is somewhat in dispute. At best, the term "life" needs clarification to determine exactly what sort of life-form is involved.
Future Development[edit | edit source]
Some years ago Devonport City Council formulated a plan for a shopping plaza and leisure area joining the banks of the Mersey with the shopping precinct, however due to this idea being particularly radical and so very far ahead of it's time, plans had to be shelved for 20 or 30 years, until society caught up with this vision. In the interim, Devonport has seen some more realistic developments, such as the "What Burnie Did" project, the "Ulverstone Did it First But Noone Noticed" initiative, and of course, the spirited, if misguided "Noone Else Did This, and Now We See Why" scheme.
Local Attractions[edit | edit source]
Devonport is home to many attractions, but probably the most notable addition in recent times has been "twobeards", a giant brass schlong that dominates the Devonport waterfront. Twobeards is situated at the mouth of the river and proudly points the way toward Devonport, directing seafearers toward the safety of the port, it's eye looking toward King Street where so many more of its kind can be found. Some say that if you stare directly into it's eye, you'll be turned to stone. Or homosexual. One of the two.
Suburbs[edit | edit source]
Devonport has several outlying suburbs, some of which are as follows:
- Don. So named after Don Burke, of Burke's Backyard fame who visited it in 1997, and famously commented "Who farted? Was it you? Something smells funky".
- Pardoe. Pardoe is a suburb in Devonports' east, it's name comes from a concatenation of the words "part dole", which refers to the main source of income for the area, the other being from the Federal Governments' "Baby Bonus".
- Spreyton. Spreyton is a suburb allocated deliberately for elderly residents. It's main focus is to cater for older members of Devonports' population by providing for their needs within that suburb. So far the main needs to be met are the provision of Golfing facilities and dying facilities. Some ancillary needs have also been met through the provision of a local school, so the elderly can complain about the youth of today. Also a fruit and vegetable market is available so that old ladies can spend countless hours fondling and feeling produce, only to buy one banana and complain about the strawberries.
- Ambleside. Ambleside is on the southern end of East Devonport, and is one of Devonport's more affluent suburbs. The hill supporting Ambleside has undergone a massive transformation from a basically bare hill to a dense cluster of largely overpriced houses. Engineers have expressed concern about potential slippage on the hill, caused by the extra weight of all that smugness and self-satisfaction.
- Miandetta. Miandetta is a relatively new suburb by comparison to Don and Spreyton. It's name is derived from the two Aboriginal words for "hill" and "middle-class". The Miandetta hill and the Ambleside hill face each other across the river, and are currently locked in a battle to see who's suburb can slip into the river first.
Sport[edit | edit source]
Devonport plays host to many sporting events, including Australian Rules Footbrawl, Thugby and Blockies. However probably the most popular local event is the "Devonport Wheel", an even that involves a giant wooden wheel being constructed at a local sports field. Locals are then tied to the wheel, and it is spun at very high speed until one of the unwilling participants is ejected. The first ejectee is proclaimed a witch, and is burned at the stake, using the dismantled wheel as fuel, and Jim Beam as an accellerant. This bizarre spectacle is believed to be an offering to their god James Boags, and most of the neanderthals that participate are believed to be Boags Draught drinkers who seek the blessing of their chosen deity (see Religion).
Religion[edit | edit source]
Although residents subscribe to a wide variety of mainstream religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Scientology and Jedi, by far the most prevalent is Boagsism. Boagsism is the belief that Earth and man was created by God, but God was created by James Boags. The religion started in Launceston, and is the dominant religion there, but almost instantly, it was adopted by the people of Devonport. Believers worship at local establishments, that they believe James Boags has blessed by turning the water into beer, the women into skanks, the men into bogans, and the music into a cold chisel and accadacca marathon. They also go by the motto, "what would James do" (or WWJD), to which the invariable answer is "get smashed and pick a fight".
Sister Cities[edit | edit source]
Devonport's Sister City is the japanese city, Minamata. Despite this relationship, Minamata tells everyone it's adopted. Both of these sibling cities have a mother city, who put them up for adoption when they were towns, resulting in Devonport being taken in by a number of foster cities, one of which physically abused it. Devonport still bears the scars of this abuse today, in the form of Pardoe.