User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2012/Änjelajs

Happy Monkey Competition 2012

Pee reviews for: Änjelajs

Article: Devil May Cry (video game series)

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	7/10	As for creativity, there is absolutely a giant ton of it in your article. You've clearly tried in every step of the way to infuse a ton of ideas. That can be a very good thing and a not so good thing. You are probably one of those lucky people who can pull out ideas from their hat at a fantastic speed. Keep in mind that fine tuning those ideas afterwards, is usually essential for a good and funny article. In any case, yes, super creative.
Originality:	4/10	I'm giving you a lower score for originality. As wilytank pointed out, there are a lot of memes in the article (sayings and ideas that have been done before). In terms of originality, a writer should probably come up with entirely new ideas, or a very new approach to an article, concept, humour etc... You do so a few times "the hero and his coffee break" and some other examples. This happens all the time with new users. I really encourage you to read the featured articles to get a sense of things that have been done before, and ways that some of the best writers here can make it fresh. Take a look at the current votes for this article which was by Mr The Jazz, it was his entry for last years Happy Monkey and the first nomination failed as some users found it totally unoriginal while others did see here.
Cleverness:	7/10	Lets look at some of the clever moments: "It would be so embaressing, with akward silence and all..." , akward silence is an over used meme (a saying or something that everyone is doing or saying these days) but you wrote it in a way were it feels fresh and funny again. Nice! As wilytank said, the memes in the next paragraph (fucked up) and (nobody cares) are quite used up and I don't think you did anything new or original with them, though that doesn't mean you still can't keep it in the article and modify it to be original or place a different meme in that part of the article. " Lots of people made a lot of money on it, so it's OK." , this was a good way to end the paragraph. If you had have used this concept throughout the article, it might have been utterly helarious (assuming you found a fresh and original way to mention it throughout). The idea that making money justifies doing whatever you have to do, cutting corners or doing absurd stuff, is really funny if written well. Nice! "The critics were bored to tears" is clever. Consider completing the section with this line as opposed to saying more of "nobody cares", for instance "The critics were bored to tears", the bordom the experience reached such a level of emotional suffocation that hot tears, boiling tears fell down their cheecks. etc... " before he even has time to drink his morning coffee", thats clever for sure, I chuckled at this. Often, a joke is far more better if you extend it to an even more complex or extreme conclusion. You follow the joke with the game being banned for kinds, not for violence, but for the use of coffee. I find that a little cheesy, but if you put some though into you might find a second line that flows better with the article such as: Our hero is jelouse of those players controling him, as they can drink all the morning coffee they want while they force him to do anything and everything. Our hero always enjoyed going to that Parisian cafe, and having a buttery coissant with a strong coffe and a dash of milk ontop...but this time, he would have to be brave and start the day without his beloved coffee. That coffee in the morning gave our hero the energy to slay all of those goons and gools, without that morning coffee, he was half the hero he was known to be, half the bad ass, half complete, half nothing without that cup of joe that is. In the next section, I like your meta-analysis of the game "i.e. the character is concious and doesn't want to be in the game as a hero anymore", which is clever, though I'm sure you can execute this better. I find adding an "end of the world in 2012" very original, though as with the last section, it could be executed better. Consider this: Though the creators of the game suddenly had to finish the code as quick as they could, they really believed the world would end in 2012. If the world could not have a complete version of the game, then at the very least they should have the half-assed version, so that humanity would know this game, even in its non-perfect form." and then continue with the other stuff. In the second last paragraph, with the introduction of "real ninjas", its a good idea, though consider finding a way to talk about them outside of the "meta-writing" you are doing (characters who are concious of being characters and do thing in the real world and in the game), there are so many clever ways you can extend this funny and clever idea. The last paragraph kind of fails me. When you finish an article, these are things that I believe: Always leave the reader with a great over all impression of the article (make it funny, make it clever and make it feel finished) Don't say bad things or excuses about your article, everyone knows it was in the contest, so try to be positive (you could even have said: "not a bad article huh, just wait and see how extra awsome it will be when Im finished with it" etc... You may not want to introduce so many new ideas or have a totally random or unexpected conclusion unless its very clever and or funny. Some of these critiques may seem harsh, but I only wrote them because I see a LOT of cleverness in this article and I'm confident you'll be able to rework it in a more fresh, more developed and funnier kind of way.
Content and Images:	4/10	As wilytank says below, the formatting isnt the best. Thats understandable as there is a lot of coding and ideas to learn about here. The images are fine images, but they don't seem to gel too well with the rest of the articles, The caption on the first image is cute and the second caption is a little dull in my humble opinion. Maybe you should to a longer search for images and find an image that is not predictable and put in a well thought out caption to make the user go "hahahah, I never though of that" or "what a funny way to use that image". I would also recommend not cluttering too much stuff in one page, as you use the black out function, crossing out text, a red link (to a page that doesn't exist) etc. I would recommend sticking to just a couple of these, and use them when its use is totaly necessary and again in a fresh and new way. That being said, the formatting is well above the formatting of other novice user's first time entires and articles! As for the over all concept, its a fairly straight forward explanation of one of the games with lots of ideas coming from here and there. If you decide to polish it, try to give the article some continuity, an overall idea besides the actual game itself, such as:An analysis of the character, and how much he does't like being that character or would like to be different? Or how in every element of the game, the programmers are trying to brainwash you, and give lots of evidence. In any case its stuff to think about.
Points for whatever reason:	7/10	I'm giving you a big fat 7 extra points here, because you wrote an entire article, there are funny moments and I laughed a couple of times, which is impressive for an article that a new user has written in only a day. As well, your first writings here is not filled with cheesy high school humour, totally expected jokes and other stuff thats called "cruft". So yeah ... NICE!
Final Score:	29/50	I really hope you work on the article more. Id suggest spending time on it, time time time = good, and also get a pee review and polish it up more. And thanks for participating. Come to my talk page if you want me to explain any further, have questions or would like some other ideas.
Comments:

Score and Comments from Wilytank

3/10

Hmm, short and kinda reads like cruft in some parts. "the time line is fucked up, but nobody cares"; the nobody cares context isn't exactly funny anymore. Pics seem irrelevant and out of place in this article as well. Since you're new, I'll drop some advice: avoid being cliched. Referring back to nobody cares, a joke can be very funny the first time, still pretty funny by the tenth time, but repeat it a million times and all it is is annoying. Originality will get one far on here. Trust me. --Wilytank can be a pain in the ass. 03:26, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from PopGoesTheWeasel

2.5/10

Score and Comments from Mattsnow

5.5/10

Some good jokes in there, but needs a bit of polishing on the grammar side. It made me smile in some spots. Great effort! Mattsnow 17:45, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

Score and Comments from Joe9320

7.7/10

Score and Comments from Chief

5/10

Video game articles are, as a rule, quite challenging to take on, especially ones like this where the focus of said game is on combat rather than storytelling. I'd suggest you try to move away from the list perspective unless you have something truly unique to mention regarding each game, try looking at Metal Gear Solid for some ideas as to how best to construct the article. There are a few laughs here and there in this one, but it does need a bit more work. Good effort though.

Final Score

52.7/100