User:Shabidoo/The Gentlemen's Aristocrats
"Lord Hathingsham you are late!"
"You must forgive my tardiness Mr. Dicklewits we had a bit of unpleasantness with my wife at my estate today"
"Oh good heavens I'm terribly sorry"
"You needn't be sorry the misses always overreacts to problems and creates unreasonable fuss over nothing."
"What was it this time"?
"I had the chambermaid hung by her neck and my wife is in hysterics."
"What frightful business"
"Indeed but it couldn't be helped. The chambermaid made such a grievous error I could not let it go unpunished. If you allow such a fumble to go unchastised then more follow with the rest of the help"
"What was her error"?
"She did not remove the semen stains on my white trousers as expected"
"How did you get semen stains on your trousers? In fact Lord Hathingsham I don't believe I want to kn..."
"I'm glad you asked dear Dicklewits. You see I was buggering one of the stable boys and he was having a hard time of it".
"Oh dear they do have to be broken into don't they?".
"Well you know my member is extraordinarily large".
"You do say that every time we meet".
"And he was yelping and jumping about...going on about sphincter pain I believe".
"They really must learn to be less finicky don't they"?
"Indeed. Well I was reaching the end of my session you see and it's at that point that I really must thrust in and out quite rapidly in order to obtain release".
"Yes naturally Hathingsham".
"And the stable boy was simply not broken in enough".
"Really? Don't your sons give him a good lollipopping from time to time"?
"I insist they do but they aren't as well endowed as I am you see".
"Yes so you've told me several times".
"So in any case just before my divine seed gushed into his cavity he fell forward and for goodness sake it splattered all over my best pair of trousers".
"Terribly inconvenient"
"Yes it is. I didn't know which to do first, wipe it off or have the boy whipped".
"I certainly hope you had him whipped before wiping it off".
"Don't be absurd my man, of course I had him whipped. My whipping guard was on hand as I always make him watch me when I bugger the stable boys or the chamber maids and the valet and the elephant trainer and the...".
"Yes yes. Good man."
"I tired of the stable boys shrieks. I mean honestly if you are responsible for something so terrible as your master needlessly soiling his trousers then he truly ought to take his punishment with grace".
"If only they did so but I fear the new generation lack dignity".
"I'm sure you would like me to make this long story short, so I had a chambermaid clean the trousers right away as semen can set into Indian cotton quickly. She said it was done. I wore the trousers and at dinner my mother noticed the stain and made an embarrassing joke about it in front of my entire family, wife and all".
"What was the joke"?
"It was so undignified and uncalled for I wouldn't repeat it. Needless to say I had the chambermaid hung today".
"If only more masters were as disciplined as you are".
"Yes".
"Well you must be curious why I invited you and your wife here Hathingsham".
"I'm certain it is for a nefarious reason".
"Indeed where is your wife"?
"She didn't come. She claims to be upset about losing her best chambermaid and is in a terrible hysterics at the moment".
"Well it is she who will miss out on the opportunity of a life time".
"Oh"?
"Yes, my wife right now at this very moment is helping set up a Korean performance in our parlour-room".
"How splendid I thought those Koreans spent all day smoking opium, not making theatrical spectacles".
"No you are thinking of the Chinese. Their little play has been highly recommended by everyone I know in London".
"Oh my the misses will certainly be angry she lost out on this".
"She certainly will. Come with me to the parlour-room. You'll have to forgive the smell, those Gooks don't seem to ever bathe".
"Don't worry, I have the smell of the stable boys ass all over my groin and it won't go away".
"Terrible business that post-buggering smell isn't it"?
"Terrible indeed".
The two introduced themselves to the various guests which due to protocol takes hours. They then feasted on pre-show caviar and champagne and then it was so late they had to have dinner. Six hours later they sat down and prepared to watch the show.
One of the Koreans men (who were sitting there patiently the whole six hours) rolled out a carpet and placed a tiny table in the centre with chopsticks while the other two yellow skinned men stood up. They bowed to one another five times and spoke in their amusing and bizarre language with hard accented syllables sounding something like a series of firecrackers. They then sat down and one of them passed around the chopsticks.
"My lord are they eating on the floor"?
"Yes the slanty eyed folk seem to prefer eating on dusty carpets".
"How vile"
"Yes it is grotesquely fascinating isn't it"?
The man who seemed to be the host then left the table and placed the most beautiful and gorgeous puppy in the centre. A well bred brown and white beagle with floppy ears and brown paws that looked like he was wearing adorable little socks.
"Is the puppy going to do tricks"?
"I don't know Mr. Fathingsham it's better you just watch".
The Gooks talked amongst themselves, at first it seemed like they were arguing among one another but eventually they started laughing. One of the rice eaters grabbed the puppy and ripped one of its hind legs off. The puppy let out the most horrid screech and started whimpering. One of the Koreans put the leg in his mouth and chewed on the meat.
"How shocking. I thought they always ate with their chopsticks but these ones are just tearing the puppy meat right off the bone".
"Yes my dear Fathingsham. It seems silly to pass out chopsticks and not use them".
The dog fumbled all over the floor spraying blood on the Korean's silk tunics. The shortest Asian passed on one of the puppy legs to another who took out another huge bite. It seemed his two fellow friends were anticipating eating the dog meat and couldn't wait. They ripped off one of the puppy's front legs right off so fast it was as though they had spent their whole live abusing dogs. The puppy now hollered in terrible pain letting out a ghastly sound over and over again. The Korean was devouring the dog meat and suddenly the others started fighting one another for the leg so they could eat the most meat.
"Is this how they always eat"?
"I'm not sure I am not an expert in Asian dining etiquette".
The three Gooks were jumping upon one another trying to wrestle away the two dog legs to gobble up as much dog meat as possible. The puppy in the mean time was livid with agony and had called out in pain so much it ruined its voice box and could no longer make a sound. The Asians were beating one another so severely with the dog legs it seemed they would break one another's bones.
"Why are they fighting while there are still two perfectly good legs to eat"?
"I'm not sure Fathingsham. Do simply watch the spectacle. You needn't comment on everything".
The three Koreans fought over the two legs grabbing them from one another's hands and eating as much meat as they could before it was taken away by another one. Once the two dog legs were nibbled to the bone the three pounced on the dog and ripped the remaining legs off. Once the legs were off they stopped eating it and began clubbing one another with the legs. The puppy had bled to death and was no longer moving.
"I wonder how they get the dog blood out of the carpet".
"Indeed the question had crossed my mind".
The three short orientals had so severely beaten one another that they were drained of energy and had fallen on the floor. Their clothes and bodies were covered in blood.
"Is it over yet"?
"I don't believe so".
The Koreans then began to lick the blood off of their hands making grunting noises as they did it. Once the blood ran out they started greedily sucking as much blood out of the carpet as possible.
"So that is how they clean the carpet"
Once the carpet was sucked dry they started stabbing the dog and getting out as much blood as possible.
"It seems their thirst for dog blood cannot be satisfied" said Hathingsham.
Once they were done with the puppy they began licking the blood off of one anothers bodies and faces.
"The grunting noises adds a certain music background to the scene doesn't it"?
"Indeed it is surprising there are no drums I thought Asians always had drums with their death rituals".
Once they were all licked clean they tore the rest of the puppy's body apart and ate literally everything but the bones.
"How can they swallow all of that fur"?
"I don't know but it is the most engaging spectacle I have ever seen" remarked Dicklewits.
They had devoured the remains of the dog in less than two minutes. Once the puppy was nothing but bones they began hitting their plates glasses with in lovely rhythm.
"I see here is the drum music".
They struck the plates and glasses with the dog bones in a symphonic like melody that became so mesmerising that they audience didn't even realise it was over. The four Gooks then stood up, moved to the front and vomited the complete dog carcass out of their stomachs into a giant pile directly in front of the audience. It formed a near perfect cone with the various colours of the remains of the puppy forming a beautiful union jack flag. There was red blood, white skin and blue brain matter forming the crosses of the British empire.
They then bowed signalling the end of the performance.
Immediately everyone jumped to their feet screaming "Bravo". "Outstanding". "Tremendous". "Unforgettable". The Koreans kept bowing up and down with smiles on their faces.
"Mr. Fathensham are you crying".
"Yes I am afraid to admit it. It was the most splendid thing I have ever seen."
"Quite right, I am holding back my own tears".
"Let them out. Weep because you will never again see something this remarkable".
The two shared their outpouring of euphoric bliss and hollered bravos. The audience started throwing money at the Koreans clapping and yelling out compliments. One of the little Asians stepped forward.
"Thank you for your gracious response to our little play".
"Do it again" asked Dicklewits. "We will find you another puppy".
"I am afraid we must leave as we have another engagement planned."
"I will not hear of it. We will pay you triple what the others are offering you if you do it again and then we shall have a banquet in your honour. You will be special guests in my house and will stay for a week."
The rest of the audience insisted and would not let the three of them leave.
"You must answer this...is this a play of your own making"? asked Dicklewits.
"No we perform this ritual in every village of the Kingdom of Korea every year".
"Incredible. Simply incredible. What is it called"?
The head man said the word in his own language which sounded something like a person trying to dislodge something stuck in his throat would say. The audience looked at them in stunned silence.
"Well tell us my dear Chinaman...what does that word mean"?
"I am not Chinese. I am Korean. And it means...aristocrats".