User:Sethoto/Keanu Reeves (No, Not The Kiwi!)
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“This is Reeves, Keanu Reeves, asshole.”
“I really want to know more about this Keanu Reeves!!”
“When I was a kid, I could see things. Things sane humans don't see. Things you shouldn't see.”
“You da man brotha! Oh... shit! Um... You are the One.”
Keanu John Kevin Jack Tom Anderson Traven Lomax Constantine Reeves, (b. 1872) is not, as some dimwits people believe, Lebanese, or even bigger retards others who belive he's a philosophic anal-bead enthusiastic kiwi (seriously, it's not the same guy, FUCK OFF!!!). He is a German holder of three (probably more) world records. During his early days as John Constantine, or as known then Le Geant Constantin (by jerks who mocked him behind his back), he maintained his record of having the longest femur bone of any human (seriously, it's in some popular freak-show book, GWR or something...) as well as the record for "Person Exhibiting Greatest Mental Disturbance" (though this was disputed as your mom was the other candidate).
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early life and "John Constantine"[edit | edit source]
Reeves, I mean Constantine, no, um... Reeves, came out of some vagina in 1892 at a place called... (shit! that name's hard to remember) but anyway, it was in Germany (figures!). He was a true sensation in the medical world those days, what with him being a victim of the malady eunuchoidal-infantile gigantism ( that's daddy-longlegs syndrome but, you still probably don't understand do you? moron!), countless psychological disorders
(a true nut that one) and all. It should be noted, however, that, living among Frisians, he may not have seemed to be a giant (those guys're freaky-tall!!! too). Anyhow, nicotine was the only known substance that could atleast hinder the rate of his quickly deteriorating mind, thus, the 300-a-day chain-smoking habit had begun. It was in those days during which he deluded about seeing escaped demons from hell that possessed humans which, not surprisingly, no one else could see and sagas about him being in and out of hell, that, he declared himself some John Constantine (shrinks quit trying to find out what the name had to do with his past experiences). Having never been laid, he ventured into towns, molesting boys and girls in so-called "exorcism/deportation rituals" (not the deportation you're thinking of, you Holocaust fanatic!). In one instance, he'd just whisper his name into a girl's ear followed by that part of the girl into which he wanted to stick it in (e.g. asshole). He'd then, in lamentation, recide prayers to God for forgiveness which, (for some reason) he always got! Then the hornyness demon would be gone; deported (again, not about the Jews!).
Post-Constantine years[edit | edit source]
Aparently all the deeds of "Constantine" pleased Satan who, in
turn decided to rid him of all his ailments not excluding, terminal lung cancer and syphillis (he got this from you know who who actually granted him consentual S - E - X). In gratitude Reeves (it is still about him you know, moron!) signed up for law school in order that he may become The Devil's Advocate but, not before legally changing his name to Kevin Lomax (he was already world famous notorious for his earlier deeds and the taboo was gonna be unacceptable to the Harvard dudes). As an undergraduate at Harvard Law, Keanu Kevin kicked ass in all subjects (The Devil was helping him), so, in no time at all (actually, it took years) he was a hotshot lawyer who was very popular in getting child molesters and child masturbators of the hook (too bad some guy didn't appoint him to represent him).
And then?[edit | edit source]
Well, as it turns out Satan never does anything for free so, he started asking Kevin to do certain things
with his sister Christina Milian who was known simply as Christabella. Satan wanted Kevin to father the Antichrist!