History of Christianity, an Objective View[edit | edit source]
A long time ago, there was a man called Jesus Of Nazareth; reportedly, the name "Jesus" was given to his parents by a man in an angel costume, while "Nazareth" may or may not allude to a small town in Israel. It is debated as to what "Of" refers. At this point, history becomes a bit sketchy; most references are clear on the points that Mr. Nazareth preached and teached over the hills and through the woods of Galilee and Judea, developing a rather large following of people drawn to his promises of blessing all believers with Kingdoms and Peacemakers. It is also widely held as true that towards the end of his ministry, Jesus did indeed get sacrificed to Jupiter by the Romans, as told in this childrens' rhyme:
Jesus and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch baptismal water
Jesus fell down
and lost his Crown
but came back a few days after.
Modern interpreters see this as allegory for Jesus' supposed asphixiation on a cross on a hill and subsequent (reported) resurrection, wherein he was resurrected. There is not common consensus as to who "Jill" is or what the bloody hell she's doing in this rhyme.
History of Christianity, a Christian View[edit | edit source]
Christianity began when God (known to Reformed and Reconstructionist Jews as 'Yah-sh-weh', Hebrew for, "Look at this! Now I'm gonna have to clean it up!" Orthodox and Conservative Jews hold to the older, more traditional translation of "G-d.") took human form in order to fulfill his own damn Law; he's that much of a hardass about doing things "by the Book." In its place, after taking into account humankind's complete inability to govern their own morality, God put into place a "new" law, which consisted primarily of the commandments to "Love Me," "Love Each Other as You Love Yourself," and "Do Others as You'd Have Them Do You."
He also spent some of his freetime doing freelance detective work, during which time he uncovered vast Mafia-linked corruption within the Temple Moneychanger's Jurisdiction (TMJ), kingpinned by the notorious gangster Elijah. He spent most of his time, however, travelling the countryside spouting off such drivel as "The meek shall inherit the Earth," a balls-to-the-wall claim that most modern interpreters judge to be a prophecy that would occur as a result of the dicks of the world killing each other off while the supposedly more peaceable 'believers' sit around and watch.
As is to be expected, Jesus (as God ((Yah-sh-weh)) (((G-d))) was now calling himself) was considered a kook by local authorities and hated by his own townspeople, who objected not primarily to his wandering babbling's message, but to its mode: apparently, it was very difficult for visitors seeking Jesus to find him, as any self-respecting homeless person will wander and babble. This led to locals being barraged by visitors with a litany of "Have you found Jesus?" (It is worth mentioning that this practice is both the source of the modern Christian liturgical practice of "litany," which, roughly translated, means "incessantly long repetition of incantations by a cantor who'd be better off running the local auction, and not very on-key at that," as well as the current practice of the Jehosephat's Witnesses, who commemorate what they call "The Babbleonian Captivity" by travelling door-to-door re-enacting the visitor's request of "Have you found Jesus" to any who will listen.)
Jesus was, sadly, killed for all this nonsense. He was so perturbed at the inconvenience that he done straight rose his ass up out the ground after three days, and spent the next forty days or so trying to sort things out. Sensing that his efficacy was coming to a close, he gathered his twelve closest pals and, with the last, inspiring words of "Eff this, you guys figure it out," he grabbed the last train for Heaven. He reportedly promised to visit "sometime before this generation all keels over," but the vagueness of that timeframe has been the subject of much debate.
History of Christianity, an Atheist's View[edit | edit source]
See 'Objective View', above.
Christianity, a Disambiguation[edit | edit source]
The 'Christian' Mafioso[edit | edit source]
"Christianity" is also the public codename for an influential mafioso society of prominant American politicians, according to some conspiracy theorists. This group, who's true name is unknown, is purportedly in control of most, if not all, of America's Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of federal government. Their number is said to include: George W. Bush, Dick "Bullseye" Cheney, Karl "Not Marx" Rove, Bill Frist, Rick Santorum, Orrin "Down The" Hatch, James Dobson, Jesse Helms, Jerry Falwell, David Duke, Randall Terry, Antonin Scalia, Ann Coulter and Clarence "Claymation" Thomas.
The 'Christian' Slate[edit | edit source]
The term "Christian" can also be applied to any follower of the Church of Christian Slater. This Cult of Personality meets every third Thursday of the month to watch 90210 and Hard Rain, as well as share testimonials of how they came to "find the road to salvation," which they claim comes from the unconditional love of Christian Slater.
The 'Christian' Stupids[edit | edit source]
The other predominant alternate use of the word "Christian" is as a description of someone who has caught a case of the Stupids. According to the American Medical Association, a person with the Stupids will bear some or all of the following symptoms: They will reject the Old Testament of the Bible, but hold fast to the portions that speak about homosexuality and women having long hair; they may display a tendency to carry around large arsenals of weapons, which they never use on one another, since they will also espouse that killing is wrong; they may, in rare cases, also show a propensity of wearing distinctive clothing made out of the American flag, which they refuse to reconcile with their firm belief that the flag should not, under any circumstances, be altered or cut up. Historians are baffled to explain where any corrolation betweent "Stupid" and "Christianity" came into place, let alone the strange nationalistic tendencies of those with the disease.
Christianity, the Logo[edit | edit source]
In order to support marketing, later Christians came to terms on a common Logo for the tradition. In order to express the fundamental Christian tenets of peace, love, and understanding, the logo they chose to represent themselves to the world was none other than the jointure of wood which Jesus was nailed to, bled over, and died on. The initial irony is commonly understood, while, unfortunately, the dual irony is lost on most.
Christianity, the Miscellania[edit | edit source]
- In order to make penance for some of their greater corporate fuck-ups, such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and both the Republican and Democratic Parties, the Court of Idiosyncricity decreed that Christians were to develop and offer to the world the creamy deliciousness of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Also included in the settlement was the provision that Christians would return the holidays of Christmas and Easter, which they'd won in earlier backroom dealings, to the general secular public; the transition has been far from seamless, and even today, many struggle with seperating the ideas of 'Christ' and 'Forgiveness' with those of 'Candy' and 'Fat Men.'
- Many misled Christians believe that the Golden Rule (or '11th Commandment' in some circles) reads as: "Though Shalt Not Get Caught." Unfortunately for them, this is the easiest rule to break, and when caught, believe you me, God can be a real pain in the ass.
- According to most media outlets, Christians and Christianity are responsible for AIDS, underage alcoholism, Osama Bin Laden, the Crusades, the Inquisition, racism, slavery, dominionism, conservatives, liberals, and the daily burning of witches. They have also been implicated, but not yet fully charged, with providing an overwhelming majority of the aid and relief work for the post-hurricane Gulf Coast. Damn crazy religious bastards.
Christianity, the Famous Christians[edit | edit source]
- Hans Christian Andersen
- Christian Slater
- Christian Lindemann
- Christian Ugge
- Hayden Christensen
- Christian Smith
Christianity, the Quotes[edit | edit source]
“The Bible is true because the Bible says so.”
“Preach the Gospel everywhere you go, use words if neccessary.”
“A most amiable fellow was Jesus, or J-Dawg as he preferred it. Beautiful teachings. Pity he never got around to explaining why God would rather we didn't fellate ourselves.”
.....(editor's note: I'd like to see the "J-man" crap pulled from this, as it's outside the Wildean form. The rest is pure gold.)
“It is a fact that the only good thing to ever come out of Christianity is Mister Rogers.”
Christianity, the Holy See of Alsoioch[edit | edit source]
- Lions Club
- Born again
- Conversations Betwixt Thespia and Episkopos