User:I Like Turtles

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“In the Free World, I own the template!!”

The writer of this article is an American Conservative and has a bizarre nineteenth century outlook.

They may even work at Focus on the Family, be a hard-working farmer, or, worse, be an unelected conservative activist judge. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Kos.
(Psst. They're probably also a Nazi; quick! Play the race card!)

This user plays bass, because it attracts groupies without the need for excessive rehearsal time.


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“I Like Turtles”
~ A Zombie on Turtles

“Turtles...Why did it have to be turtles”
~ Indiana Jones on Turtles

I Like Turtles[edit | edit source]

A Zombie's Opinion[edit | edit source]

Brains... Brains... Turtles...

Why Turtles?[edit | edit source]

You may wonder why turtles? The reason is that turtles, novels by Ayn Rand, and movies not involving talking animals rule! Turtles can also be used as skateboards by zombies, because they move slow as hell. Come on, zombies in movies are slow as hell, has no one ever seen Dawn of the Dead? They are so slow that fat kid from your gym class can outrun them. Even Your Mom can outrun zombies. But with TURTLES™, Zombie speeds change from 1 Mile per Day to an astounding 2 Miles per Day! Sure, you're still slow, but you're not as slow as before!

Recent Evidence also suggests that Zombies worship turtles as their gods. Why Not? Turtles are Fecking Awesome! They would be Fucking Awesome too, if they were not too Slow! The Ancient Zombie nation of Marrakesh was once home to Turtle Palace, before The Pope destroyed it with his eye beams.

Lots of people like turtles. Cthulhu likes them, and Jesus does too! However, the increase in turtles caused the American Revolution, the Industrial Revolution, the Russian Revolution, the Matrix Revolution, the Zombie Revolution, the Robot Revolution, and the constant debate on whether Global Warming exists or not. How turtles are to blame, we don't know, they just are.

Turtles![edit | edit source]

In all honesty, this user believes that Math is the embodiment of evil. However, I will use Math to prove that turtles are Miniature Gods to the Zombie Race/Sex/Religion: $Zombie+LowIQ=Stupid$ therefore, if $ZombieIQ<TurtleIQ$ , but $Zombiespeed=Turtlespeed$ Then the answer is obviously D)All of the above.