User:Hyperbole/Rock lobster

“Was it a rock?”

~ You on rock lobster

“No. It wasn't a rock. It was, in fact, a rock lobster.”

~ Me on the same rock lobster

“We were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. The towels were matching because they were a throwback to an era when towels were woven. They were copies in synthetic fibers of copies in cotton of copies in wool. They were a corpse hacked apart and sewn back together again at random.”

~ Ayn Rand on whatever the fuck it is that Ayn Rand is always on about

The rock lobster, here being mistaken for a rock. Either that, or this is fetish porn. I'm not sure. Yeah, it's probably fetish porn.

The Rock Lobster (Jasus edwardsii), often called a "crayfish," is a crustacean that lives in the coastal waters of Australia and New Zealand. It is the region's largest seafood export.

Rock lobster are notable for being extremely edible as well as, frequently, being mistaken for rocks. The reason for this common mistake is unknown, as they really don't resemble rocks that much. Maybe red rocks with eight legs and claws and antennae, but how many of those do you see? I couldn't even find one on eBay. And, usually, you can find rocks shaped like all kinds of stuff on eBay. One of the cornerstones of the playground economy is finding rocks, deciding they look like stuff, and putting them on eBay.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Rock lobster.

Fishing for Rock Lobster

These women are fishing for rock lobster, but they're doing it wrong. Nonetheless, I would still hit that.

Technically, fishing for rock lobster is not "fishing," as lobster are not fish. However, there is a very precise technique for harvesting these intelligent and delicious animals.

1. Go to the beach. The best fishing for rock lobster is done at the beach. In the deep seas, rock lobster are generally outcompeted by their relatives, the goth metal lobster.

2. Bring matching towels. For reasons still unknown, rock lobster are very sensitive to whether your group has matching towels. If two fisherman bring towels that are entirely distinguishable from one another, the rock lobster will retreat deep into the sea.

3. Go under the dock. Even the presence of matching towels will cause the lobster to retreat under a dock. Thing is, lobsters just don't like towels very much. Which really kind of makes me wonder why the Australian fisherman bring them in the first place. Still, assuming that your towels match, this is where you'll find the lobster.

Don't be fooled! The rock lobster is a master of camouflage, and may resemble a rock. Frequently, a detachment of Australian fishermen will bring along an employee specifically trained to tell the difference. Traditionally, this employee is an extremely effeminate man who announces the presence of a rock lobster by putting his hands on his cheeks and lisping sibilantly, "That ithn't a rock! Thath a rock... lobthter!"

One final word of caution: try not to get trapped inside a giant clam. You'd think that wouldn't even be worth mentioning, but it's happened. Twice.

Seducing Rock Lobster

This is arguably the worst lobster costume ever. Even so, I would hit that. However, I am not a lobster.

What? Are you serious? Wow, you people are insane.

Well, all right. I suppose - speaking strictly hypothetically, here - that the first step to seducing a rock lobster would be to put on a lobster costume. Remember: lobster are very perceptive. Remember how they react to unmatched towels? So it's important that your lobster costume be anatomically correct, down to the last detail.

A good rock lobster costume will contain the following elements:

Claws. Claws are important, particularly to male lobster. While a female lobster will try to engage a male in deep conversation, the male will pretty much just stare at her claws the whole time.

Tail. The more delicious your tail looks, the better. If you try to give a female lobster your phone number, and your tail looks no tastier than the red felt it's made of, chances are, she's not going to go for it. I mean, hypothetically.

Antennae. Lobster antennae can be purchased at most novelty costume stores; they consist of a red headband with some red stalks and googly eyes at the end. They're kinda cool.

Legs. You're going to need some extra legs if you're really going to get a lobster interested in you. Chances are, if you're reading this for the first time, you have two. We've got to get that up a bit. Leg transplants are expensive and painful, but well worth it. While they aren't exactly legal, I know a guy.

Pluralizing Rock Lobster

Pluralizing "rock lobster" can be difficult and complex. Fortunately for you, I made you a flowchart.

There. That's a much more proper topic - if perhaps a bit of a boring one.

The plural of "Rock lobster" is "Rock lobster." Here it is, used in a context:

Dan: Wow, look at all those rocks!

Sally: Those aren't rocks! Those are rock lobster!

Dan: Shut up, you dumb bitch.

Well, I guess that's pretty much all there is to say about that.