Headband
- OOPS! Were you looking for "The Looking Glass"? Then you came to the wrong page!
A headband is a clothing accessory worn in the hair or around the forehead, usually to hold hair away from the face or eyes. Headbands generally consist of a loop of elastic material or a horseshoe-shaped piece of flexible plastic or metal. They come in assorted shapes and sizes, although generally one-size-fits-all, unless you have an incredibly small pea-sized head, or you are godzilla. Headbands are used for both practical and fashion purposes, and have also featured in well-known secret underground mafia groups like Toothpick Massives, based in Sheffield, who enjoy flinging headbands much like one would elastic bands, causing serious injury to posh people. Regular people are hard as lard so do not suffer any injuries what-so-ever.
History[edit | edit source]
Horseshoe-shaped headbands are sometimes called Alice bands after the headbands that Alice is often depicted wearing in Through the Looking Glass. However, the truth of the matter is much less pleasant. and was probably hidden to promote the Alice band as a commercial fashion accessory and was originally worn in 16th and 17th century England where lice were rife in society, to keep lice from entering the wearers eyes.
The original bands were often made of Horn or Bone, but later became padded and were very often impregnated with various perfumes thought to be repellant to lice.
Facts[edit | edit source]
There are stories of a woman who refused to wear a lice band due to the pressure on either side of her head causing her severe headache. Lice swarmed in her eyes, drinking the moisture and causing her eyes so much irritation that they swelled in her head, causing the birth of the expression "Bug Eyed"
The stories are some-what far-fetched, but the photographic evidence speaks for itself.
How to avoid the bug-eyed syndrome
- Always wear a headband
- The tighter the headband the better
- Never play tennis without one
- Wash and dry only using the strict step-by-step 'how to care for your headband' instructions
- Always have a back-up headband
Modern Use[edit | edit source]
After the cleansing effect of the Great Fire of London of 1666, the wearing of "a lice band" fell into decline. It wasn't until after 'A-Lice-Lewis' (nickname) Carroll's book of 1871, Alice threw the Looking-glass, and What Alice Found There, that they found fashionable popularity again. Illustrators had drawn Alice in the story wearing a lice band. The name was adjusted, forever hiding the true, less glamorous past of the Alice band.
Misconceptions[edit | edit source]
Popularity of the Alice band has waxed and waned over time, but has seen a recent upsurge among men and woman alike with the adopt-ation of the alice band by men from the world of sport and music, such as David Beckham, Ronnie O'Sullivan, Little Steven and Axl Rose.
However, of these men, only Axl Rose has been studied by scientific scientists to have suffered from the rare form of A Lice which was previously considered eradicated completely off the face of humans during the Great Fire. Recent studies, and the fact Axl Rose has been photographed wearing the Headband which witches and warlocks of the time, considered the best remedy, scientific and even non-scientific scientists are now claiming the return of the deadly bug.
What to do if you contract the Killer A Lice
- Stay calm
- Freak out
- Stay calm
- Freak out
- Stay calm
- Take a photograph, or, if you're not squeamish, bag and tag the bug
- Find a scientific scientist to verify your bug
- If no scientific scientist immediately available, contact the spirit world
- Read Alice threw the Looking-glass upside down and backwards to hear a secret message
- The message will tell you wat to do next
- If you don't speak Welsh, you will not understand the message
- Try to locate a Dwarf and ask him to kiss your nose
- He will in turn lick your chin, do not be alarmed
- Take a deep breath and snickersnort
- If you don't know what a snickersnort is, you're pretty much done for, and it's probably too late to wear our headband, might as well give it to someone who could really use it, like a pixi