User:Funnybony/Chuck Norris admits - doesn’t know jack!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 March 2010

Check Norris finally admits that he doesn’t know jack

WILE E. COYOTE, Texas – In a candid confession yesterday super he-man and badass, Chuck ‘Roundhouse’ Norris told the media that he, in fact, does not know jack! - though he does admit watching all episodes of the FOX TV fantasy, “24”. And, while aroused and fascinated by Jack Bauer, Norris is also terrified of facing him. As a result the two heroes have never met.

“There’s no such thing as a fair fight! With Jack it’s always a ‘shoot-out’, with him doing all the shooting and everyone else is out!” Norris complained. “For me to be an actor and play with blanks is a world apart from dealing with Jack Bauer!” Norris told members of the media, some of who were laughing quietly to themselves.

Norris went on, “Did you see Season 7 when Jack chased that one armed Russian just by following his blood trail and ended up breaking the neck of that dick head terrorist Abu Fayed! Do you know why the Russian had only one arm? Because he chopped the other arm off by himself just to avoid facing Jack. And that Russian was only an innocent made up character who doesn’t feel any pain.” Norris pointed out. “I’m a real person!”

When told that Jack Bauer was also just a made up character, Norris shot back, “It doesn’t matter. You can call him Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer, or the man-in-the-moon. I just will not risk pissing him off! And I’m pretty sure that he has no idea who I am!”

The media inquired if he, the great Chuck Norris - who had even fought with legendary badass Bruce Lee – didn’t think he could beat Jack Bauer in a fight he replied, “Listen and listen good - I don’t care what the script says or who is supposed to win or how many life times I mastered martial arts, there is just no way in hell I’m getting anywhere near Jack! – The guy's a sadistic psychopath!”

“So, you do confirm that you have never met Jack Bauer before in person?” UnNews asked Norris, just to clarify matters. “That’s right! I don’t know jack!” - Norris confirmed.

Sources

• Ed Finkle "Chuck Norris admits he doesn’t know jack" TMZ, March 17, 2010