This article is a goner, but it can still be salvaged for parts. You can help Uncyclopedia by taking it to a chop shop.
|Official total of all pitied fools:|
|97,624,930,791||Number of fools, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments, parchments and parchments that Froste21/Big Boss has pitied. (Updated Monday 05/13-2019)|
- You may be looking for Big Boss Man and not even know it!
“...the meaning of justice can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier doesn't bring "justice" into the mission. Politics are fickle, they change with times, so as long as we remain loyal to our country, soldiers like us have nothing to believe in...”
“He's the cat that won't cop out, when there's danger all about... plus I heard he was one bad motherfucker.”
“Oh! Then HE is the Boss?”
“In Soviet Russia, Big Boss kills YOU!! Some things can't be changed... rama rama ding dong”
“...coming again, to save the motherfuckin' day, yeah!”
“Here comes the Big Boss! Let's get it on!!”
No one knows where Big Boss came from. Not even Hideo Kojima. But what is certain is that Big Boss is Japanese-American-Vietnamese. So we can
be sure that Big Boss created Japan, the United Spades of America, Chinaland, and Viet-fucking-nam before he was there. He is very fond of the Dutch and their countries The Netherlands and Amsterdam. The main reason he loves something with such a strange way to communicate is the fact the Dutch accept that everyone deep down likes the use of forbidden items.
When he was once asked by his mentor, The Boss (also known as Meryl Von Trapp) where he came from, he told this story about the Bering Land Bridge and all these asians When his mentor said how that wasn't the story of how he was created and just something about him kicking ass, she CQC'd Big Boss into the ground. Eventually, Big Boss shot her in the head with a GUN. He took his beloved M1911A1, the gift from EVA, and made love to it. And it has never left his side since, nor has it been seen since, because if you see the M1911A1, you will be subject to greed and most likely be killed by Big Boss in self-defense.
The Legends of Big Boss
Conflict with Chuck Norris
The reasons for such an conflict are unclear, as to how two titans such as Norris and Boss would ever become enemies. The most likely, and most accepted theory, is that sometime during the
mid-80's when Big Boss was playing bass for Prince Chuck Norris (at the time, working as an Sound Technician for the CIA) made emosque comments about not only the playing style, but overall apperance of the Boss Man. During an Facial Hair fueled rage, an battle broke out in the recording studio, destroying 12 city blocks of Minneapolis.
Even into his latter years, Big Boss has continued to engage in conflict with Norris, using numerous business fronts and countries as ways to fund his battles. Including Outer Heaven, Zanzibar Land, Disney Land, and Swaizland.
300 Big: Sparta
Big Boss plays a key role in the 2007 film 300. Director Zack Snyder, begged Big Boss to play the character of Dilios, a Spartan Warrior and also the pussy who flees from battle to go cry to the council then bitch about the crap they put up with in the war. Big Boss initially refused arguing that the character would make him seem weak, and afraid of battle, another issue was the use of a prosthetic eye. Snyder responded by trying to appeal to Big Boss' humble side; we all know that Big Boss has no humble side, so after Synder was CQC'd into the ground, the force of the impact ironically creating the scene that was to be used for the film's battle sequences, the two came to a mutal agreement, that if Big Boss were to play Dilios, half-way through the film his prosthetic eye would be removed.
Sadly for Big Boss, the film proved to be rather uninteresting due to his immense physical superiority, he was described by the other cast members while fighting the Persians as,
'A man who makes the enemy seem like Guinea Pigs being crushed helplessly beneath his feet. The Persians all the while making strange quadrupedal twitching movements, and sounds like: WRrreeEeEEe! SQUEEeeeAk! wrRRRReeeAAkkEEAmmMeee!.'
Synder told Big Boss that if he did not act like a normal man he would be fired. Big Boss once again CQC'd Synder which was captured on film and was used and disguised as one of the Persians falling into the sea.
It is now virtually impossible to find the remains of Zack Synder; after filming was complete, Big Boss climbed down the cliff to see if his former director has survived his second onslaught. No one knows what happened down there, but there are numerous reports of blood chilling screams as well as Big Boss saying, "Mmm... I want more!"
The Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox
It is well known that Big Boss wrote most of this article himself (why? BECAUSE HE CAN!) in an attack on Chuck Norris, causing many to ponder why? Why does Big Boss hate Chuck Norris of all people so much? The reason is because of the Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox, and it is as humorous as it is confusing.
Big Boss has a long lasting spite against Chuck, because Big Boss is a lot stronger then Chuck, but Chuck has a much stronger attack, making their powers somewhat even. Big Boss does not want to accept this, because Big Boss does what ever the hell he wants. But this is only the tip of the iceberg, as the paradox goes much deeper then this.
It turns out that big Boss and Chuck Norris are locked in a classic Scissor Paper Rock scenario. To expound, their dilemma goes as follows.
- Big Boss defeats Chuck Norris, as discussed in the above article.
- Solid Snake defeats Big Boss, just like in the Metal Gear games. Also, Solid Snake doesn't have to stop fighting and look around for glowing mushroom to recharge his batteries. Solid Snake doesn't even need batteries.
- Samuel L. Jackson defeats snakes of all kinds, hence defeats Solid Snake. Especially if they are on a plane.
- MacGyver defeats Samuel L. Jackson, because he can build Samuel L. Jackson’s plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, and just as easily dismantle it.
- And finally, Chuck Norris defeats Dwayne Herman, because MacGyver can build a plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, but Chuck Norris can kill him and steal it.
To simplify, Big Boss > Chuck Norris > MacGwver > Samuel L. Jackson > Solid Snake > Big Boss.
Naturally this dilemma pisses off all parties involved in this paradox.
For decades scientists have debated the meaning of this conundrum, and what its implications will mean to humanity. Though none are conclusive, they have proposed the following theories.
- Big Boss is simply letting the others in the paradox exist because he thinks it’s funnier that way.
- Chuck Norris created this paradox himself because he wanted a challenge for once.
- The paradox was meant to be a plot device for an episode of MacGyver, but the series was canceled before MacGyver could solve the mystery.
- Samuel L. Jackson has had it with his motherfucking paradox in his motherfucking life!
- Solid Snake is too badass to care about this paradox, and it will be dealt with anyway on the last level of his next game, “Metal Gear Solid Ten: Big roundhouse kick on a motherfucking plane made of bubblegum and paper clips.” Where Snake smokes and kills all, even you
- This cannot be proven, as the entire thing may be just a huge ruse under Big Boss' command, with Mr T. simply part of Big Boss' greater being.
- And the unlikeliest scenario, they are all bitches under a much larger force, namely Mr. T, except, Big Boss, who told others he was Mr T, and no-one dares to correct him, I mean would you?
With Mr T controlling the center of the paradox, no one would dare to upset the order of the paradox by crossing over and "sneak attack" any of the other figures. Above this obvious blockade, some are just to afraid of the habits of the others.
- MacGyver for instance simply doesn't understand how Big Boss can consume Glowing Mushrooms to recharge batteries, so he just fears Big Boss (Thought he would never admit it.)
- Samuel L. Jackson isn't afraid of any of the others, he just claims to be to busy being 1-UP on Harrison Ford.
If you have just read this article, Chuck Norris may come and kill you because he doesn't want anyone knowing anyone is tougher than him. However, if you read this article and said to yourself, "Bullshit, this is a lie. There is nobody tougher than Chuck Norris", then Big Boss will come and kill you for doubting him.
Either way you are going to die very soon.