User:Dr. Love/Exorcism
26 May in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
By the grace of Almighty God, I am able to write to you on this day. I, Father Lorenzo Mazarini, along with my assistant Benito, am embarking on a seven day tour in an attempt to drive out the demons that infect this nation. I travel simply, carrying with me only the tools necessary for exorcism and my most humble of vestiments. I have the blessings of our Pope Benedict XVI to aid me, and with the infinite mercy of the Lord on my side, I am certain that my endeavors will meet with success.
27 May in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
Benito and I met with a young child during the afternoon. Her degree of exposure would have troubled the most patient of monks, and so we confronted her. By the grace of Almighty God, I was able to write down the conversation afterwards.
Benito: Weewowweewow! Ain't that a fine piece!
I: Benito, I am shocked at you! We must save this child and bring her back into the folds of the Lord's flock.
Benito: I'd like to be brought into her flock, if you know what I mean.
(We now approached the girl)
I: Dear child, my apprentice and I were deeply troubled by your appearance, and we would like to ask why you choose to dress so.
Girl: omg, wutz ur problm? i cn dres hw i want lol
I: Sanctum Sacralogos! This girl is speaking in tongues! Benito, fetch the hot irons and burning splinters, we've got some exorcising to do.
I must say that after extensive inquiry, we were able to mend the ways of this child and bring her properly into the arms of the Lord. It's such a shame that her mind had to be utterly destroyed in the process.
28 May in the Year of our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
After the incident of the previous day, my faith in the goodness of these people has been shaken. But also, my belief that I can aid these people to see the light of the Lord through proper methods has been reinforced. Armed with this new confidence, Benito and I set off, and soon encountered a heresy most vile.
Benito: Look, a bake sale! Come on boss, let's grab some brownies! God isn't lookin'!
I: Why that does sound tempting...
Vendor: Before I begin, let me start by saying that all of the funds go to our local church. Now, sir, what can I interest you in?
I: Oh, it is for such a good cause! Surely our Holy Father will look upon this transaction with favor.
Vendor: Yes sir, we're trying to raise money for the local Lutheran softball team, so that we can play the Methodists next Saturday. Those bastards have embarrassed us one time too many!
I: Sanctus ovis volatilis! HERETICS! Benito, we must act to save the innocents of this village! Fetch my instruments immidiately!
It took quite a while, but the power of Almighty Christ enabled me to get every last one of those Lutheran heathens onto a stake. The wood had almost ran out before I got to the last one, but divine Providence gave me another stroke of inspiration, and I used the foul corpses of the blasphemers to start the final pyre.
29 May in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
By now I had begun to notice that Benito and I were running dangerously low on cash, which, although a worldly evil, is a worldly necessity. After searching through my guide to being a Catholic priest, I found the answer. I found myself a suitable platform and began to implement my solution...
I: Come one, come all! Indulgences for only cents a soul! Find the way to heaven simply too inconvenient to integrate with your current routine? Then a Papal indulgence is for you!
Benito: New lowered rates mean that YOU'RE the winner! $20 takes 20 years otherwise spent in unimaginable agony and instead transforms them into 20 more years spent in Paradise!
I: But wait, there's more! Order within the next 10 minutes and we'll not only DOUBLE your indulgence order, but we'll send you a FREE splinter of the True Cross! That's right, you'll not only recieve twice the divine pardon, but you'll also get a priceless relic to lose in your garage! What are you waiting for?! Call now!
Needless to say, we were successful.
30 May in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
Today I did some more inquiring, this time down by the local YMCA. That in itself is not odd, as I often feel the need to cleanse this land, but what happened afterwards was somewhat strange. Dressed in my full inquisitor garb, I was met by a man who asked if I wished to meet more like me. Exited, I of course agreed.
I was delightfully shocked to see that all the men were dressed as inquisitors, just like me. There was plenty of good drink to go around, and the light from the burning cross was plenty to see by. However, once they began speaking in what seemed to me like code about "kligrapps" and "klovonications," I must say that I felt complelled to leave. This filled me with regret, because they said that they would later "cleanse those whose souls are as black as night." Although it is nice to find faithful, Pope-loving people like this in America, I did not feel as if they were my type.
31 May in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
Today was a very trying day, and it is only through the greatest of miracles that I am able to keep my faith intact. While I was occupied with a call to the Holy Father in Rome (we were making our fantasy baseball picks), Benito wandered into a nearby building. After my call had ended (I got Pujols, BOO-YAH!), I searched for him, and to my unspeakable horror I found that he had wandered into one of the truly hellish places on Earth, a Jewish synagogue. I was almost overcome by the Jew-particles in the air, but I was able to pull both myself and Benito out before they were upon us. One Jew had taken most of our indulgence money, which Benito had been carrying at the time. Now, we are, as before, penniless, and on this night we have been reduced to sleeping on a street. This, however, does not distress me, as our Lord Christ has been through worse, and he never lost his optimism.
1 June in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
Today I had an appointment to meet with the head Athiest of New York, and I viewed the meeting with apprehension. After all, it is not very often that one recieves the oppurtunity to meet with such a blaspheming pig.
Yes, Richard Dawkins was an asshole. He kept going on and on about some book of his, raving about how I was nothing but a backward, superstitous lunatic who belonged in the Middle Ages. When I told him that he was only angry at God because he was born in Kenya, then moved to Britain, thus going from bad to worse, Dawkins became incensed and threw himself at me. From the ensuing tussle, I learned only one thing: Richard Dawkins can bleed like anyone else.
2 June in the Year of Our Lord 2007[edit | edit source]
There! I have done it! I have toured the nation of America for one week, in an attempt to see the state of its collective soul. What I have learned is this:
1. America is a nation of faithless, coldhearted dogs.
2. There are too many Jews.
That is all.
Fuck America, this land is far beyond the possibility of redemption. This priest shit is also too hard, if I'm going to be assigned to America for the rest of my career. Screw this, I'm going into real-estate.