User:Davidio/Lurch

Sexuality

Sonny Lurch, commonly referred to only as Lurch, is the fantastically sexy manservant of the Addams family. He is an extremely tall (6' 9"), sexual, sexy, dreamy butler. He communicates by means of extraordinary sexual moans that have been scientifically proven to cause sexual excitement in all known animals and plants, with the exception of the axolotl and certain deep-sea sponges. When he says, "You rang," everyone in hearing distance becomes horny. When he plays harpsichord, everyone in the neighborhood must take tranquilizers to cope with their overwhelming sexual response.

Sex With Lurch

Not only do all women admit wanting to have sex with Lurch, so do all men. Most of the men who confess to wanting to have sex with Lurch still insist they are heterosexual under all other circumstances. Some of the celebrities who claim to have had all-night romps with Lurch are Mae West, Marilyn Monroe, Joan Collins, and Clint Eastwood. Lurch has also been romantically involved with Hillary Clinton, Doris Day, Anna Nicole Smith, and his own beheaded Marie Antoinette doll. Rumors of romantic involvement with Morticia Addams go ignored by her husband, Gomez, who just looks the other way, most likely because of his own attraction for Lurch.

First Choice For Bond

Lurch was Ian Fleming's first choice to play James Bond. His suave, sexy, and rough demeanor made him appear to be the perfect Bond. In fact, Lurch did complete a screen test, but he was so sexy as Bond it was determined that such a film would cause rape impulses, naughty thoughts, or cardiac arrest in most normal people. In fact, Pee-Wee Herman was arrested while watching Lurch's test film.

Controversy

Recent DNA evidence suggests Lurch is the illegitimate father of George Clooney. Another subject of controversy is the recent accusation that Sonny Lurch doubled as Chuck Connors. This rumor has been investigated and, according to all inquiries, no one has ever seen the two of them together.