User:Darwin of suburbia/Battle Royale
Battle Royale 
| |
|---|---|
| Country | Japan |
| Purpose | Education, Education, Education |
| Era | 1970s (Nobunaga Dynasty) |
| Slogan | If they can't learn the way we teach, we'll teach the way
they learn... and give them explosive collars |
| Genre | Sci Fi |
| Founder | Hello Kitty |
| see also: Sodomy in Education, by Roy Chubby Brown;Japanese Emos, by Jade Goody | |
“Is it gay slang?”
“At the dawn of the millennium, the nation collapsed. At 1 percent unemployment, ten people were out of work. 6 and a half students boycotted school. The adults lost confidence, and fearing the youth, eventually passed the Millennium Educational Reform Act - AKA: The BR Act...”
“This works better than my take. It's more violent and quicker.”
"Battawe Woyawe" is a legendary education system from 1970s Nobunaga Dynasty Japan. The ruthless ruler Kitsuto Nobunaga passed the Battle Royale act to help prevent the student population from skipping school. The program eventually came to a halt as the government realised they had killed all of japan's youth. National reproduction week ensued soon after.
Translation Difficulties[edit | edit source]
The rest of the people involved in the Battle Royale act were Japanese, and so their names are hard to remember. The names shall therefore be made up for the rest of this article.
Scientific Studies Into Effects Of Act[edit | edit source]
In 1978, a study was carried out by Dr Nobunaga into the effects of the act on the kiddies that were processed.
98% of the 40 children in the session of Battle Royale that was recorded for this study were categorised as "emo" by their parents, and were called Kitsuto Nobunaga. The remaining 2% of the population were disembodied organs and as such could not express interest in the world not understanding them. The supposed attractiveness of the lead kiddies was rejected by an independent western study showing that they all look alike. A counter study showed that the previous study was carried out by racists and as such was actually reality television.
At the end of the session, all but one of the children were dead. The remaining child, Kitsuto Nobunaga, was improved, however, as she was no longer emo. It went on to become a singer on a P&O cruise liner. The veracity of the victory was questioned as it was revealed that the winning child was Lego.
Tragic end of Program[edit | edit source]
The Battle Royale was finally and reluctantly withdrawn following growing pressure from pinko liberal lefty infidel jewish homosexuals, or "the Nanny state" in Britain. Modern Japanese schools do not involve fights to the death but the extreme pressure of competing against other Japanese children (who are all very clever) in school has caused many suicides and regressions into emoism. By now it was an important piece of culture, and as such was written down by monks(that had not already been killed by the Japanese government), and is now studied in Japanese schools.
Although the system lasted only 7 years, 400 different commemorative stamps were issued, and 12 batches of 40 children were "processed".
Spinoffs in Britain[edit | edit source]
Aside from BRII and the remake by Hollywood, Battle Royale has influenced the western world greatly, particularly Britain. You yourself may remember playing Battle Royale in PE, or maybe seeing it as an option for extra curricular activities, or maybe you are not British. It was however, a milder form of the game, and never carried out more than a bus-journey from the school site. The most recent televised western version was "Shipwrecked" which ran in an almost identical manner, but with the weapons that were randomly distributed being STDs. Critics have never been entirely kind to this system, however, saying that Chemical castrations and a Baccalaureat inspired, grouped exam deathmatch would be more appropriate.
According to UCAS, "45% of students do not reach their conditional offers, and grade inflation has caused many Universities to look for new ways to measure a student's suitability for a course. Last-man-standing Battle Royales on remote islands would certainly be an effective way to reduce over subscription, and could maybe be used to replace the BMAT, and thus prevent so many Asians from getting into medical courses". Two grades could be offered, a standard pass by surviving, but exceptional students would be incorporated into a painting where they would be surrounded by sparkly bits (usually shiny body parts).
The education system could be in place be 2009 and the Conservative Party have put the installation of the system on their manifesto, along with compulsory weapons and unarmed combat training for public school students. Japan's Nobunaga party are resisting pressure to reinstate the system, mostly as the Nobunaga Government had their childhood in the 1970s so wish to be able to play the "We had it so much tougher than you, my 2 Bs mean way more than your 6 As" card.
At the end of the original system, the effect on students was clearly visible. In those baseball caps, why, they looked almost european.