User:BenJAMIN/Evil Beard Theory

The Evil Beard Theory, brainchild of George Orwell, states that a man's beard is directly proportionate to his evilness ($man+lengthofbeard=evilness:cleanshaven/goodness$). Thus every man who has a beard of any length is at least 1% eviler than his non-bearded counterpart. It was originally thought that no bearded man could exceed 100% more evilness than non-bearded man. However in 1984, all of George Orwell's theories proved false.

Historical Support

Many historians agree that man's greatest threat throughout history has been the bearded man. Ruthless and cunning, bearded man looks much like regular man, only distinguishable by the grizzly mane of man fluff that envelops his jaw.

Brief List of Famous Bearded Men

1. Grizzly Adams

2. Chuck Norris

3. Abraham Lincoln

4. Kenny Rogers

5. Jesus

6. Santa Claus

7. Judas Priest

8. Judas Iscariot

9. George Carlin

10. Uncle Phil

11. Eric Gagne

12. Kareem Abdul Jabaar

13. Jim Rome

14. Fidel Castro

15. Evil Spock

16. Steven Spielberg

17. Bill Walton

18. Johnny Depp

19. Hulk Hogan

20. Every Country Music singer ever

21. Saddam Hussein

22. Chester A. Arthur

23. George Michael

24. Charles Darwin

25. Moses

26. ZZ Topp

27. Blackbeard

28. Obi Wan Kenobi

29. Papa Smurf

30. Henry VIII

31. Rasputin

32. Osama Bin Laden

33. Sean Connery

34. Spike Lee