User:Airtuna08/Ben Berrios
“I never saw an oompah loompah that tall”
“I never want to see anyone this short again. I should be the shortest person in the room at all times.”
Ben Berrios was born on July 13, 1981 (Truthfulness of this birth year has been debated in recent days. See: Jackson 5 rumors below). He was one of only two Oompah Loompahs born that year apart from those born in loompahland. Being born an Oompah Loompah is exceptionally rare, and it is more likely to be born an albino conjoined twin with six fingers on each hand. Ben Berrios is tall for an Oompah Loompah, reaching a lofty height of 4'2" (making him fall one inch short of being able to ride in a car without the use of a booster seat). Ben spends most of his spare time as the Urban Director at WNYO, "Wily New York Oompahs". Many know him for his famous rants that are so sophisticated that only Ben understands what they truly mean. Ben also enjoys downloading porn and singing to his favorite rap songs. Ben resides in Syracuse, New York. He is also a descendant of the legendary civil war general Ulysses S. Berrios. On February 14th 2007, Ben made sweet sweet love to his valentine Jessica Simpson, but only in his dreams. He woke to find O.J. Simpson in bed next to him. "The glove didn't fit" ~O.J. to Ben. The two best words to describe Ben Berrios are short and angry. His social security number is 143-43-7243. Ben enjoys romantic candle lit diabetic dinners, short walks on the beach, the white rapper show, Oreos and excessively violent threats. His breath is listed as the second deadliest silent killer behind only carbon monoxide. This is a fairly confusing listing as carbon monoxide is called a silent killer because it is odorless, while Ben's breath can be smelt from over 40 yards away. Ben's famous Jackson 5 impersonations have been a full-proof way of getting female oompah's in that lovin mood. Recent finding may prove that Ben was actually a member of Jackson 5.
Life as an Oompah Loompah[edit | edit source]
Life as an Oompah Loompah for anyone is difficult, but Ben Berrios is one of the ones that have it the hardest. Among a tall Oompah Loompahs he is taunted consistently with jabs such as "How is the weather up there?" and "Careful, don't step on me!" Among the ranks of people of normal height he is taunted with "How is the weather down there?", "Careful, I almost stepped on you!" and his least favorite "Hey Ben, I hate you because you are shorter then me." It is also difficult for him to reach things such as things on tall shelves, tables (unless he has his high chair) and the heads of large and medium sized dogs. The thing that haunts Ben the most about his past is his time enslaved at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. The work was hard and the hours were long. Ben was forced to spend hour after hour mixing chocolate and taste testing nerds. The frequent nerd tasting caused to Ben to develop OLD (Oompah Loompah Diabetes), which he remains afflicted with to this very day (though he is working "hard" on a cure). When he had to be removed from the candy scene due to his illness Wonka forced him to join his special Oompah Loompah assassin strike force. The training to be in the task force is exceptionally difficult and nearly half of those enrolled in the training die before the first week is over. The missions that Ben went on were exceptionally difficult, and lesser Oompahs probably would have perished. Most of his missions are still classified. It is rumored that his speciality is turning people into blueberries with Willy Wonka's defective full meal gum.
Oompah Loompah Uprising[edit | edit source]
Ben was the leader of the famous Oompah Loompah uprising of 2000. While the details of what happened are sketchy, what we do know is that Ben was able to get himself and 25-50 of his fellow Oompah Loompahs out of the chocolate factory. Ben and others, dressed as a gorilla and other farm animals, were able to elude security and enter the real world. If more details of this escape are revealed we will definitely post them
Days In Hiding[edit | edit source]
After the escape, Berrios and other oompahs were forced into hiding because of the national hatred toward the unknown. Matters weren't helped when Wonka started posting rewards for Berrios and the other fleeing oompahs. Oompahs that were caught were forced to shower with soap. Religious beliefs specifically bar oompahs from bathing with water, and especially with soap. Apparently "Cleanliness next to Godlieness" doesn't apply. Other oompahs were humilated by being forced to wear stilts and to walk down public streets. The worst event took place when Bozo the Clown had a captured oompah sit in the "hit the target, dump the oompah into the pool" game. Chester, the eldest oompah at Wonka's, was dropped in a soap bubbled pool that burned deeply in his dirt-filled pores. Replays of this event still scar oompahs to this day. On the bright side, Chester still showers to this day and successfully intregated into society by becoming the C.E.O. of General Electric when oompahs gained some rights in society. The uprising and escape was also heavily covered by the media, and even a TV movie starring Gary Coleman as Berrios was aired by NBC in the months after the escape. Krusty the Clown was considered to be the favorite for the part, but he went on a drunken binge and killed four people. The movie was not intended to be like the tear jerking movie, Free Willy, but to cast oompahs in an evil light. It angered people so much, and actually inspired individuals to hang puppit oompahs in effigy. The fact of oompahs running lose in society scared the crap out of people. It became like the "Salem Witch Trials" or the "McCarthy Hearings." Hundreds of normal midgets and dwarfs lost everything because of fear they might be oompahs. However, a few famous people did speak for oompah rights. Those freaks included: Rosie O'Donnell, who Ben calls a fine piece of ass, Al Gore, who blames his 2000 presidential loss on this, Justin Timberlake, who claims he had a romantic relationship with Ben (Ben denies this), Carrot Top, FREAK!, and finally, Snoop Dog, who thought he used to smoke up with Ben. Well I guess none of those individuals are famous.
As for Ben, he hid out in Liverpool, New York with his good buddy Oprah Winfrey. She kept him safely under wraps until the 28th Amendment was passed giving oompahs many unalienable rights. And thankfully while in hiding, Oprah kept many dead fish on hand for Ben to bathe with. He would also eat them later. Unfortunately, many rights recognized by the U.S. Constitution are still held back from oompahs. Oompahs have trouble going to certain public places because of flagant prejudice for these little creatures. When asked, store owners voted 4 to 1 that they rather admit lepards into their premises. However, each day a new barrier is broken down. On April 15th, 2004, the first oompah loompah, Jackie Robinson Oompah, played professional baseball. Unfortunately, this story did not have a happy ending. Because of the small strike zone Jackie had, he pissed off one too many pitchers, and on April 28th, an inside fastball to the head killed poor Jackie. Its not all bad though, oompahs have succeeded for some reason in the world of figure skating. And yes, I think we all puked a little with the thought of a female oompah in a figure skating skirt. Thankfully, the National Figure Skating Association has required female oompahs to wear pants. Oompahs have tried to reverse this ruling, but the Supreme Court has denied to hear their case.
Life After Wonka[edit | edit source]
In need of money, Ben went back to work at other factories, but they brought up bad memories. First, Ben found employement at a tomato sauce factory. He quit after several altercations with a co-worker who mocked his oompah status. Ben would then be hired at a beer bottling plant. He refused to smuggle out free beer for his friends because the joy the alcohol would give them would just be wrong. Ben says no fun should ever come from his working at a "slave labor camp." Ben left because he was even tempted in partaking of the evil lager. After several jobs, Ben decided to enroll at Oswego State University in order to find a career that would be far away from the factories that haunt him so much.
Diet[edit | edit source]
The diet of an ordinary Oompah Loompah is mostly chocolate, candy, and the flesh of living kittens. However because he has OLD, Ben has a diet that is different. It consists of about 80% pork products with the remaining 20% being made up of oreos to satisfy the sweet tooth that all Oompah Loompahs are cursed with. However, Ben does not hunt prey for the pork he loves so much. Unfortunately because of the OLD and other concerns he just does not have the body type to hunt down pigs. Therefore, Ben has had to find other alternatives, including Kraft Bologna. In a blatant disregard for its intended use, Ben has been know to use orange juice as a weapon. The most famous action, "Operation Orange Crush Baumler", on November 7, 2006, almost provoked Baumler to call Willy Wonka with Ben's whereabouts. Thankfully, the two sides cooled, and Ben was just lucky it wasn't mustard. Ben is also known for drinking very cheap rum, vodka, and beer. One time, in a state of confusion, Ben ate decorative soaps. This is how he first learned that soap exists, though he is still clueless as to how to actually use it.
Rap Superstar[edit | edit source]
Ben Berrios is also known for being the foremost Oompah Loompah rapper. Most Oompah Loompahs claim he is the best rapper of all time. However reviews among non Oompah Loompahs are far less flattering. In fact most reviewers were noted to run screaming from the building they were in after only two minutes any one of his songs. Those reviewers that were caught before they could kill themselves also complained of excessive bleeding from the ears and months or even years of horrific nightmares. Among non Oompah Loompah reviewers the average rating was two out of five stars. It is unapparent why the surviving reviewers rated it so high, but mind control has not been ruled out as of yet. If you would like to hear some of his work, there is a link below. LISTENING TO THESE SONGS IN NOT ADVISABLE. LISTEN TO THEM AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS WEB SITE WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANY PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE DONE BY LISTENING TO THE AFOREMENTIONED SONGS.
Jackson 5 Rumors[edit | edit source]
On March 11th, 2007, WTOP 10's Eric "Blue Hat" Adler uncovered strong evidence that Ben may have been a member of Jackson 5. This of course would mean Ben has been lying about his birth year of 1981. Infact, Hat found evidence that Ben was born in 1961. Apparently Ben left for the Jackson 5 after several attempts to graduate from high school. However, the bitter falling out of the group forced Ben to join witness protection which landed him at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Rumors are Ben couldn't handle the intense pressure of the media, so he bolted into hiding. Ben has strongly rejected these rumors, and claims he is only a loyal fan of the Jackson 5. Ben believes evidence pinning his birth year to 1961 are completed fabricated, and "GARBAGE!"
BREAKING NEWS March 25th 2007: BBlastmatic: I WAS RANDY THE BACK UP JACKSON Ben admits he was a part of the group, but it is unclear if he said this just to shut people up. Hat, please verify this information. Based on the all caps, he appears to be really tired of these alligations.
Classic Ben Quotes (AKA OOMPAHISMS)[edit | edit source]
Ben Berrios has said almost as many things as there are Oscar Wilde quotes. Here's some of the best:
“The only bad thing about this computer is that I don't get viruses."”
“Listen...”
“That's GARBAGE!!!!”
“I'm gonna cut you down to my height with a chainsaw.”
“I'm Oprah's number one fan!”
“For once, Chris is always right.”
“I've know you for a year and a half."”
“I don't know when I'm leaving yet. Either Friday afternoon or Friday evening, whichever comes first.”
“Hey Pat, the Chiefs are getting shut out, they are losing 34 to 7.”
“I am a gorilla.”
“I am as short as I am difficult.”
“You can call me the jamacian bald Oompah if you do not call me brillo pad anymore.”
“Oompah loompah dupity don't.”
“You know what I'm sayin?”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Each day gets a little better, actually it's worse, but it's better.”
“Because I'm playing Knights and not drinking....that much."”
“It's like beating a dead horse, it's dead!”
“The Lakers have a good shot at going half way through the SUNYAC tournament.”
“Yeah! Tiger Woods! The Gopher!"”
“I don't say 'the' A lot, you fucking idiot!”
“Everybody goes to the gay bar once, you wanna know what's going on in there.”
“I wish I was as tall as Mr. T.”
“Yo, you remember that day he got kidnapped for like three days? ”
“I've been hung over since yesterday.”
“Chris, listen...continue. ”
“That wasn't a New York Meltdown, that was Nuclear Fall Out”
“Tom Brady makes Steve Young look like Malcom X”
“Apparently your jokes are a little far-sighted.”
“I figured I'd use my intellect for something.”
“I am not a fucking mood killer.”
“You mean you have more then mitochondria.”
“Aren't isn't a word.”
“He's gonna go kill a duck.”
“When you can make fun of yourself it's awesome.”
“That's HORNY baby! ”
“You can't bait me sideburns. ”
“Well (pause) I see time hasn't dulled your wit(spoken slow as hell).”
“You can't out epic me!”
“Looks like the wheels are in motion, he might actually be leaving soon.”
“How much piss could a piss piss piss if a piss could piss piss piss piss piss. ”
“I never ate any decorative soap. ”
“Tomorrow is Friday. ”
“I know, I make a better door than a mirror. ”
“The thing about the #16 seeds (pause) is they they always win. I mean (pause) it's crazy."”
“Would I make a better Tito or Jermaine Jackson?”
“An oompah is a charismatic representation of what the world should not be like.”
“Lets talk about oswego in the playoffs”
“The only thing I know about hockey is sticking”
“You're not from Canada are you?”
“How many pucks did you kick?”
“Whats the best part about being a ninja turtle”
“Maloney listen... I have honor.”
“You can call me your honor...ship”
“I'm the oompah baby”
“Try to incorporate the oompah into your life”
“Oompah and company can incorporate women of all ages and genders"”
“That would be me trying to stump Godzilla in a brain contest”
“Its so great I should get a Nobel peace prize just for being here”
“Have you seen any female oompahs or any you can classify as females"”
“I felt like I was back in WWII getting invaded all over again"”
“Japanese pitchers they were like godzilla”
“Thats a work in progress"”
“It is the greatest food ever”
“Bill Cosby has the greatest pudding”
“I'm 5'2 so”
“OCC 4 LIFE, 4 LIFE”
“I stole "that's classic" from the English language”
International Translations[edit | edit source]
How to say Ben's most famous lines in many languages:
That's Classic!
Eso es Clásico ~Spanish
Cela est Classique ~French
Das ist Klassisch ~German
Ciò è Classico ~Italian
Dat is Klassiek ~Dutch
Isso é Clássico ~Portuguese
Это является Классическим ~Russian
Det er Klassisk ~Norwegian
That's Garbage!
Eso es Basura ~Spanish
Cela est des Ordures ~French
Das ist Müll ~German
Ciò è l'Immondizia ~Italian
Dat is vuilnis ~Dutch
Isso é Lixo ~Portuguese
Это - Мусор ~Russian
Det er Søppel ~Norwegian
Check back later for more quotes translated. Also more languages will be included. Among those considered will be Chinese, Japanese, Greek, Latin, Arabic, Hieroglyphics, and Martian.
Reviews of Ben's WTOP Talk Show "Late Night With Oompah!"[edit | edit source]
“It's like watching a retard shit himself.”
“This show is why Muslims hate us.”
“I could make a better show. Just give me a half hour, a newspaper, and a toilet”
“I thought it was pretty good.”
“I laughed so much, I cried! I mean he's so short!”
“This is going to effect generations to come! They are now dumber.”
“I didn't even see the show, but he has no idea what he is saying anyway.”
“After watching that show, I am now writing my suicide note.”
“That was the biggest pile of crap I have ever heard. I was happy that I'm blind for the first time ever listening to this crap.”
“Wow his show is almost as good as his rap, which is almost as good as a root canal with no Novocaine.”
“I pity the fools that have to see that shit!”
“His show makes me hot!”
“Didn't see the show I'm a whale, but I was in a coma for 3 months after my master fed me dead fish that Ben had bathed with.”
“I've obviously never met or heard of Ben Berrios's show. Do you think I would have lived to be 110 years old? I would have attached myself to the big wheel and killed myself.”
“Ben tha dizeeze ann imma the cyuur!”
(Roughly translated to "Ben's the disease, I am the cure.")
“Where is Hitler when we need him the most?”
Guestbook[edit | edit source]
(Click edit to leave your comments, sign your name as well)
the oompah click his own page and signs the guess book ~Benjamin P. Berrios
External Links[edit | edit source]
OOMPAH FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED
Ben Berrios attempting to describe himself
Ben Berrios a member of Jackson 5?
DANGER! CLICKING THIS LINK WILL PLAY A SONG BY BEN BERRIOS. CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!!