User:16807 Remorseful Whim
“There were actually two big bangs; one to make the universe and one to make Mike's beard.”
"That guy is a monster!" Ghenghis Khan on Michal Kostecki
Michal Kostecki is an inhuman anomaly that, when introduced in conversation, is usually defined by his beard. Scientific research shows that Mike actually is the beard, which changes hosts tri-annually.
History[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time before the witnesses and elves moved in (see Demographics), a small colony of beards lived within the beard. Upon further investigation the beards within were actually the outer beard. This arised a paradox of beardly proportions until guests moved in and scared the inner beards outward. This was known as The Great Expansion of 1958. Consequences of this included a spike in population since the beards found hosts and cleverly disguised themselves as people.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Academic Merits[edit | edit source]
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." -Socrates
By socratian standards, Michal Kostecki is the least wise man of all, for he knows everything. His academic career is only overshadowed by his beard, which itself often casts a shadow over entire continents at a time.
In elementary school, Michal quickly became the teacher's favorite through his tyrannical imposition of obedience over his fellow classmates. Those who chose to stand in opposition to the teacher's established curriculum met an untimely end.
By middle school, Michal's propensity towards academic brilliance was beginning to become evident. When his fellow students were busy learning the basics of fractions and decimals, Michal was busy finding a solution to Leonard Euler's "Seven Bridges of Konigsberg" mathematical problem. The proof was sadly destroyed by the Euler family in an attempt to retain their fame within the mathematical community.
High school ushered in another wave of academic brilliance. Michal Kostecki became the only student in his high school's history to both be the football team quarterback and have a GPA of above 0.0. Recording a GPA of 4, Michal graduated high school with all honours possible, including the award for most improvement, even though his GPA had remained constant during his entire high school career. All was not smooth sailing for Michal however. Envious eyes soon targeted Michal, and he was suspended for 2 weeks following a dispute with his geology teacher. During a routine geology class, Michal had claimed that the earth was billions of years old. His teacher disputed Michal's claim calling it an affront to God, and smacked him across the fingers with a wooden ruler. Michal appealed his suspension on grounds that the church should stay outside the classroom, however, he lost his appeal since the suspension was made because he mauled his teacher after being hit with a ruler, not so much due to his claim that the earth is billions of years old.
Undergraduate education sent Michal across the ocean, to the University of Oxford. There he pursued a double Major in Chemistry and Film Studies. While graduating with a GPA of 4.0, Michal took 6 years to complete his undergraduate degree. During a chemistry laboratory experiment on the effects of marijuana on lung tissues, Michal became consumed by his studies. Simple rats would no longer suffice, and Michal dedicated his own body to the experiment. Smoking more than Tupac Shakur, Michal delayed his studies due to severe marijuana addiction. Oddly enough, during his dark days of marijuana addiction, Michal's Film Studies grades skyrocketed.
Graduate studies found Michal in Harvard Law School. With focus on copyright law, Michal's PHD included a complete revision of the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA). Under his revision, which is currently under legal consideration by the US legislative bodies, MP3 file sharing would be punishable by the severing of a finger for every song downloaded by the individual. Michal believed that such a measure would reduce recidivism, as a criminal without fingers could not operate a computer to re-offend and download more MP3s. With the RIAA on board, Michal's DMCA proposal is undergoing some legal adjustments to bypass the "cruel and unusual punishment" legislative barriers to finger severing and the other penalties under the act.
Romance[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, Mike actually had a girlfriend very recently. During sex, the poor girl asked him to eat her out... And now she's gone.
Michal's second marriage ended in divorce. Without a prenuptual agreement, Michal was crushed by the loss of half of his axes while his ex-wife was crushed by the uselessness of the half she acquired, as well as the considerable weight of her share. She is slated to be in an Intensive Care unit until 2006.
Striking Resemblances[edit | edit source]
Michal has been widely mistaken for some other things and/or people such as:
- Kevin Smith
- Peter Jackson
- Bears
- Xbox Controller
Demographics[edit | edit source]
A geographical phenomenon of goliath proportions, Mike's beard is rivaled only by the amazon rainforest. Developped since the early 2000s, it is currently believed to host fauna and vegetation spanning across the species spectrum. No in depth archaeological or zoological examinations have yet been done due to the extremely dangerous nature of the endeavour, although certain well versed members of the scientific community would claim Mike's Beard to be a habitat for enchanted elves and/or jehova's witnesses.
Spanning a landmass of roughly 76 000 square miles, the beard extends to a depth (or height, depending on where you're looking from, god save you if from the bottom) of around 3 kilometers, and in defiance of science, which rhymes and is therefore true, no light that has entered the area has ever escaped.
Living Conditions[edit | edit source]
It is possible to rent living space within the beard that is Michal Kostecki, however the rent is astronomically high. Though copable with the elves and/or witnesses, it is advisable that you do not rent space here.
Political Implications[edit | edit source]
The Manhattan Project was a former United States executive agency that was responsible for developing a atomic bombs during World War II. Contrary to popular belief, this effort was not the US's primary response to the German threat. Initially, North America, namely the USA, but also namely Canada (but not Mexico) was not concerned at all about Germany developping and launching a nuclear missile at their continent. The ace up their sleeve was none other than Mike's Beard.
Such a vast and expansive beard, when used to shield the continent (with much to spare for the 3 oceans nearby as well), would cushion the hit of 10 000 nukes. However, US diplomacy ultimately ended the life of the Mike's Beard Project and laid the ground for the sequel Manhattan Project.
At a meeting at the peak of WWII, Mike was offered 4 submarine sandwiches to offer his beard for shield should circumstances demand it. The proposal was rejected and no counter proposals could be made, on grounds that an upset Mike ate the diplomats, and all 3 waves of diplomats sent thereafter.
Realizing their diplomatic defeat, the US enlisted the help of physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer to develop nukes of their own. The initially defensive policy orientation shifted to the offense, with a "if we can't defend ourselves at home, we'll hit abroad" mentality.
Sociological Implications[edit | edit source]
Karl Marx concluded his communist manifesto with "The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of all countries, unite!". To this day, the communist manifesto remains the most misinterpreted publication the scientific community has seen. Max Weber went on to add on to write about the proletarian struggle against capitalism and bureaucracy, in what he deemed a complementary not refutatory body of writings.
Marx did not intend his communist manifesto to be read as a handbook for workers in the world breaking their chains with the bourgeoisie and capitalism, but rather with the much darker oppressive forces of Mike's beard. While today's economy is largely a service sectory economy, such luxuries are much unappreciated by most people unaware of the dark days of repression that preceeded. During Marx's days, the proletarian workforce was contained within Mike's Beard. Working conditions were horrible, and the workers were compensated not with money, but with none other than beard.
Multiple revolutions were attempted, all to no avail, as they could not be coordinated well between the rebel working class factions, as their communications were cut by the vast body of beard everywhere. Marx intentded his book to be the lifeblood of the revolution and to standardize the revolutionary movement across Mike's Beard. Alas the propaganda forces contained within the bourgeois upper class (also referred to as "Fat Cats") proved too strong to topple. A spin campain was launched to portray the battle as one against factory owners, as opposed to what the battle was about, which was not so much the property owners, but the property itself on which work was being done, that being Mike's enormous beard.
The battle rages on silently to this day, as people are under the misconception that the old days have passed and the proletariat is better employed now. While this is true for the 6 billion population outside Mike's beard, this number is dwarved by the 65 billion people that still live in Mike's beard. Their battle rages silently, as the world is under the misconception that Marx was just a commie hippy with no relevance in today's emancipated workforce. Open your eyes people, he wasn't writing about you but about the proletariat of Mike's beard (the beardotariat).