University of Ottawa
The University of Ottawa is not a bilingual university, unless you are studying bilingualism in French. Primarily, the school specializes in yearlong outdoor ice skating on the Rideau Canal, in topics that are not taught at Carleton University, and tactics for crossing 1 of 4 bridges into the land of Quebec for alcoholism and prostitution.
The most notable feature of the University of Ottawa is a living display (after the Pillars of Tabaret Hall with grass to play frisbee on) of the failure of bureaucracy. Do not try to call the school administration, you will only speak back to yourself and want to go to college. Students assume that the school as been infected by its proximity to the Federal Government. This is witnessed in the form of paperwork, confusion, bad grades, stress and rage. Rage by cause of administrative stress is a recognized illness on campus and may be invoked for exam deferrals.
The current Dean of the university is Captain Crunch. His alleged affair with the Anamaniacs trio has tarnished the school's reputation beyond repair.
It is strict policy that you cannot obtain your diploma at the University of Ottawa until you (1) have had breakfast at F&S, (2) partied at Minglewoods, (3) spent your fortune at the Rideau Centre, and (4) almost been hit by an OCTranspo Bus. You are only required to do any of these once, preferably on a Wednesday. The only other option is growing a beard (even if you are a woman). You must confirm on Rabaska that you have completed these activities. If this is confusional, you have not attended the University of Ottawa.
The University of Ottawa campus is located downtown metropolitan Ottawa, the most cosmopolitan city in Ontario after Hamilton. Contrary to popular belief and misinformation campaigns led by Toronto and Montreal, Ottawa is very hip and jet-set. This is due to run-ins with Gatineau bitches. These students can be identified by any number of items, including bleached hair, high heels, random bows tacked on to their outfits, and mostly just looking better than every one else (and smelling like maple syrup).
The University of Ottawa has rules against plagiarism. This has not affected the economy of the school, mainly because the school is secretly subsidized by the Rideau Centre and a variety of shawarma shops. This is alternatively known as the Rideau Centre & Shawarma Conspiracy. All protests so far have been peacefully resolved with bribery and poutine.
The medical students that are accepted at the University of Ottawa were rejected by the University of Toronto. The law students that are accepted at the University of Ottawa were also rejected by the University of Toronto. The business students that are accepted at the University of Ottawa were rejected by Concordia University. All the other students were not accepted anywhere else, but they also did not think of applying to the University of Toronto.
The architecture of most buildings on campus has been influenced by the nearby Parliament of Canada. In fact, the school wanted to buy the Parliament and move it on campus, but it proved too difficult. After trying to also move the Supreme Court and the Chateau Laurier on campus, UofO abandoned this project and built the Desmarais building which is kinda lame. It is not understood why the school has not yet built a direct corridor to the Rideau Centre.
The University of Ottawa Health Clinic also boasts the longest wait period in the world.
The athletic program at the University of Ottawa is known as the Ottawa Donkeys (sometimes mistakenly pronounced as the Gee-Gees, whatever that is).
Nickname: UofO[edit | edit source]
The University of Ottawa is also known as UofO. Also meant to be: University of Oreo, University of O'Canada, and University of 0 (AKA Zero).
A referendum to rename the school Ottawa of University failed to pass. The analogy, according to Peter Pan, is that many students do not pass classes and thus the referendum also could not pass. A similar analogy has been misapplied to separatists in Quebec since Quebeckers do not go to school.
Coca-Cola Controversy[edit | edit source]
The University of Ottawa has an exclusive and secret contract with Coca-Cola. As a result, all water fountains on campus dispense Coca-Cola. There are plans to build a Coca-Cola waterfall on top of Tabaret Hall. In common lingo it is "mission impossible" to purchase Pepsi products on campus. The analogy in this case, according to Pocahontas, is that students are trapped inside a bottle and this is a problem because there is not enough space inside a bottle. This argument is supported by Aladin's Genie, Christina Aguilera and trapped messages worldwide.
The Six Faculties[edit | edit source]
Faculty of Ice Skating
Faculty of Mozzarella
Faculty of Politically Incorrect Science
Some guy's School of Management (AKA Peter Koppel's ass-kissing school)
Faculty of NEON COLOURS (sponsored by glow sticks around the world)
Faculty of Arts and Crafts
Famous Alumni[edit | edit source]
1925: Jack Layton (Women's Studies, magna CUNT laude)
1933: Jack Sparrow
1948: Jack the Ripper (Canadian Studies)
1951: Jackie Chan
1967: Jackie Kennedy
1970: Jack of all trades
1989: Jack Black
1994: Jack O'Lantern (Masters in Social Work)
1999: Jackson Five
2008: Jack Daniels (Honorary Ph.D. in Literature)