Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Soldiers die of being in a war (quick)
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
UnNews:Soldiers die of being in a war [edit source]
Hello. Do be quick. I don't think I'll live much longer. --
-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 20:23, 15 April 2009 (UTC)
- NOOO! Don't die! —Sir Socky
(talk) (stalk)
GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 20:24, 15 April 2009 (UTC)
Flyby funny overall, but the grammar is a bit clunky and I believe there are a few run-on sentences. --Mnb'z 05:28, 6 May 2009 (UTC)
|
Tagstit doesn't believe in new fancy-pancy toilet systems with running water and all. Just a hole in the ground with a lil' cover will do. Now gimme' your article and I'll be done in a few minutes.
While you are welcome to review this, I suggest you find another article in need of help so that we can clear the ever growing Pee Request list. |
I will be as brief as I can. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 06:22, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Good, very good. Of course, as you may know, it is more of a concept joke than a laugh out loud, but I find that to be your style and I very much like. Since you want a quick one, I will just go ahead and name a few things I liked and didn't like. I liked the basic concept. The whole thing is very solid. I liked the break down of the weapons. Like when you were explaining what a gun was and how it killed. I also liked the quote about the likely hood of death is lower on the winning side. What I was unsure about was the metaphors. For example, "causing death to spread about the place like a lovely dollop of fresh strawberry jam on the front of a slice of bread" and "hatred being flung about the place like colourful confetti at a happy wedding." I found them to be funny and neat, but a little awkward and unnecessary. I really don't know if you should keep them or not. That's up to you. I didn't particularly like the fact that you made it seem like bullets were the only cause of death throughout history. I think it is around here you say it, "has developed weapons that exert bullets, war has never been the same." I would suggest you have a historian showing his research results, saying that war in fact has been deadly since the medieval ages, when long metal knife-like objects were swung at each other. Just to add more to it and make diversity I guess. Also, just an idea, but you could have a report showing statistics of how long the life expectancy of someone is after they have been hit by one of these bullets. |
| Concept: | 8 | Great concept. Solid and very clever. The explanations of the guns again as devices never heard of before were very well done. The only thing I suggest is that maybe you branch out a little more on what you are saying. Include different situations to give this variety, and create a wider appeal to a greater audience. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | I finally understand what Orian was telling me about when he says I try too hard when I write to say too many words. I found one of your biggest problems with this (and lots of my articles) is that they are too wordy. A lot of what you say gets muddled in long confusing sentence structure, some of which are run-ons, others of which just seem awkward to say. Here is an example of a sentence that just goes on and on, and may sound better broken up into two or more simpler sentences, "The person who held the gun that causes people to die ran away before medics rushed on the scene to attend to the soldiers, who were in the middle of a conflict at the time, but they were too late: war had claimed seven more soldiers." Besides that very well done. I fixed a red link for you too because I hate those...so very much. If you liked it better before than just revert it and I am sorry. |
| Images: | 5 | Decent. Not particularly funny but not random. It relates to the topic and brings the reader back to the text. It also relies on the caption. Also, maybe one more picture could help the look and feel. One would fit very nicely in the lower left hand corner. I suggest one maybe with a revolt against war, with people holding signs saying, "Stop war! It kills people!" or other obvious statements. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.5 | Averaged |
| Final Score: | 32.5 | Very good, and most likely will do good in VFH with a bit of work on sentence structure to make it sound neater. Other than that though, I really liked it! Keep going! If you have any questions feel free to ask me on my talk page. Good luck! |
| Reviewer: | ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 06:51, 8 May 2009 (UTC) | |