UnNews:Soldiers die of being in a war
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 April 2009
SHELL CRATER, Afghanistan -- The American nation is in shock as soldiers were killed of being in a war, reports say. Onlookers were stunned as they witnessed tiny pellets called 'bullets' emerge with explosive and potentially lethal force from a barrel of a gun being held by someone not on the same side. The bullets then went on a train journey with no return ticket as they traversed at a rapid speed into the direction of soldiers fighting in a war and burrowed deep into their torsos, causing them to die of being in a war too long.
The person who held the gun that causes people to die ran away before medics rushed on the scene to attend to the soldiers, who were in the middle of a conflict at the time, but they were too late: war had claimed seven more soldiers. 'U.S.M.C. staff sgt. Anne Thrax, who happened to be on site, had nothing to say but "we've got soldiers down! I repeat, soldiers down in result of being in a conflict!".
Experts on war were torn over whether it was the war that caused the deaths or if it was a matter of being on the wrong side at the wrong time.
Dr. Hugh Thanasia, the professor of war at Kent University in the U.K., had this to say: "You can only be a soldier in a war for so long" he muttered under his breath, "but being on the winning side has shown that likelyhoodpercentageship of dying in a war is lower. These soldiers just happened to be on the wrong side of the cause of death... the uh... gun. That's all there is to it." He then retreated with his wounds to his lair.
War, caused by hatred being flung about the place like colourful confetti at a happy wedding, is a disaster waiting to happen, claims a Mr. Ivor Dethwish, a doctor specialist at a Chicago hospital in the U.S.
"War used to be a good idea, I even believed that myself now" said the rat-faced bastard, "but ever since the losing side, in each and every conflict, has developed weapons that exert bullets, war has never been the same". The doctor was pressed further for a comment in between his brief pauses to sip his tea, "I'm now first and foremost against war. It used to be good, but no longer. The best option now is to stop the firing of deadly projectiles from both sides and... oh, I don't know... I'm not quite sure what the next step is. I heard a suggestion, to put forward peace negotiations, but I ain't sure on that at all".
The U.S. president, Barack Obama has pledged that "this must never happen again" whilst the American media has poured money into explaining what happens when American troops die in a war for their general public. Meanwhile, soldiers continue to use things that cause death on each other, causing death to spread about the place like a lovely dollop of fresh strawberry jam on the front of a slice of bread. Experts expect more soldiers to be killed as result of being in a war, but only time will tell, as well as the other side fighting the American troops.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Phil Space "Soldiers killed in a war" 15 April, 2009, 15 April, 2009