Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Apple unveils new iPhone for giants
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UnNews:Apple unveils new iPhone for giants[edit source]
Review this please. -- grue-like Ape (jam) (Riot Porn) 16:42, January 28, 2010 (UTC)
-- grue-like Ape (jam) (Riot Porn) 16:42, January 28, 2010 (UTC)
- Enough is enough, I declare this review open for anyone to do. --ChiefjusticeDS 22:42, February 4, 2010 (UTC)
- Right, I'm in here now. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:20, February 7, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Right, the article is pretty enjoyable, brevity is the soul of wit is rarely more true than here. While there are enjoyable parts to this one I did think of some things you might consider taking another look at. The first thing I thought of was that while the article is short the humour generally comes from only one source; that giants do not exist and the article is speaking as though they do, you do this well but I think that you could exploit some of the other sources of humour here. To a small extent you do this when you say "Jobs detailed some of the innovative new features that the iPad had to offer. 'Well, uh, you can set the background screen to whatever you want'". This hints towards another joke which I was disappointed to see went without development. Permit me to expand, what I'm getting at here is that instead of simply saying that the iPad is designed for giants you can imply that Apple has simply released a larger one to make more money and is now marketing it at giants simply as a way to justify it. Since the article is short you do need to try to get as many laughs as you can as quickly as possible and thus I wouldn't recommend extending the article much as it works well in this short form but would encourage you to gear the reporter's narrative more towards humour, currently it just serves as a way to simply present the concept to the reader, but I feel it has far more potential than that. I would encourage you to experiment with different tones for the reporter, the fact that the article is short is the main reason I would encourage such experimentation; it is very easy for you to undertake. Obviously the article is yours but I would suggest that a sarcastic tone for the reporter may work better, as though he/she is very cynical towards Apple's intentions, for example they could say something like "...an extra-large iPhone designed specifically for giants, trolls and other large humanoid creatures, Apple have been quick to deny claims that they just produced a bigger iPhone, despite Jobs not realising that Giants existed until 5 turned up at the unveiling." Now while what I have written there may not be what you see as the zenith of humour but I hope it puts the point across; the reporter's voice holds such a large amount of potential for comedy that it would be a shame to pass it up. As I said before, this is simply a suggestion, you may feel that enough is implied through the tone that is taken currently.
Generally I like the humour, the article, while short, interested me and the quotes are excellent, you may wish to consider exploiting the humour that you achieve with the quote from the giant. Obviously you don't want to overuse the quotes and two from giants would be the most I would recommend, a quote about the useful features of the iPad would be good, you could even develop another joke with a second quote. I leave this one up to you. |
| Concept: | 8 | Some very good work here. I am very pleased to see you being more original with the iPad rather than simply resorting to menstruation jokes. It is also good to see you doing the tone well, the article sounds like a newspaper article, my only complaint on that being that the article feels slightly unfinished at the end ending on the conclusion that many giants will be unable to afford the device, some reactions to this would make the article feel a bit more like a full news article. For instance you could have a quote from a giant along these lines: "A prospective consumer agreed saying 'Me work many hours in mine, all money go on fixing roof of neighbour's house, nothing to spend on new thingy' It seems Mr Stevens has a point, whether this will have a serious effect on sales of the iPad remains to be seen." I'm not suggesting that you write an entire extra section with detailed financial projections but rather that you give the impression that all angles of this story have been covered in reporting it. Beyond that you have done some good work here. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | Not much to say here considering the length of the article. The spelling and grammar are generally good, I could only identify a couple of very minor issues, and those are points to be contended, my advice would be to make sure you are happy with everything with a final proofread of the article. The image is OK and I can't really come up with any criticism for it, it is appropriate for the article and is formatted in a way that doesn't disrupt the readability of the article. As I said, not much to be said here, make sure everything is as you want it then you are done with this one. |
| Images: | 8 | OK, my main criticism of the image is the caption, as it doesn't really seem to fit with the story you are putting across. Take some time and consider different ways you can caption it. UnNews articles have specific ways of doing so that work well, so why not take a look at some of the featured UnNews article's for ideas for a good style; some articles use quotes as the image quote, and there are lots of other styles. The main thing is that you should try to relate it back a bit more, the point that it is big is OK, but the link is tenuous at best and I would recommend a link that is more easily obtainable. My only other complaint is that the image seems a bit scruffy around Jobs' hands, is this a result of editing or simply the original source work? If it is the source work then you needn't worry about it, if you have edited it slightly then you should try cleaning it up. Otherwise you are good here. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 40 | A short enjoyable piece that does the majority of things right, a couple of small problems drag you back but you mostly make up for these. I really like your more original take on the iPad and I am impressed with your talent for the UnNews style, a little more work on this one and it will be a very solid article. If you have any questions or comments then you can leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 19:48, February 7, 2010 (UTC) | |