Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Souvlaki

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Souvlaki

So.. er... hi. This is my first non-deleted article and I wanted to see how good it is. If someone could do a review I would be very... happy. --Mimo&maxus i am a cunt Hyperbole created this sig Bevanz provided the images 20:37, January 4, 2011 (UTC)

This one's mine. 24-48 hours.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 01:08, January 6, 2011 (UTC)

Anyone can do this. 1234 ~ 02:21, 11 January 2011

Then why don't you do it? --~   16:24, January 11, 2011 (UTC)

Er, various reasons? I struck the booking because the guy failed to do it and subsequently earned himself a ban, but maybe someone else will be inclined to take this one now. 1234 ~ 18:47, 11 January 2011

But not you right? --~   18:49, January 11, 2011 (UTC)

Certainly not now; haven't the time nor the state of mind. Hopefully someone else will get to it before I do have those, as it may take awhile. 1234 ~ 19:02, 11 January 2011

SOMEONE! PLEASE! --~   19:53, January 12, 2011 (UTC)

Mind if I take this one?--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   23:37, January 12, 2011 (UTC)

Oh my! It sucks but I'm happy. --~   17:55, January 13, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	4	First off, γειά σου, nice to meet a Greek author author around here. Now then, let's start with the beginning section. Your first sentence is good, introduces the topic and the author know what to expect from the article, but after that, it becomes very random. First, why Rice Krispies? I don't see it's connection with Souvlaki or Greece in general. Perhaps something with a connection to greece (you would know better than I do about something like that, perhaps windex because of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It's not stereotypical to assume you've heard or seen that, is it? Hope not) The second sentence makes a little sense, although there's not much humour values when you mention all the different types of animals that can be used. You might want to look at that and perhaps add or delete something, maybe you could add "and even Greek people" to that list because that seems a little funny, but that's completely up to you. The third and fourth sentences need to be combined, as do most of your sentences it seems, but for these two, I'm not sure this is the right place to insert them. They feel forced into the beginning paragraph and also, I'm not sure why a Greek general that many people probably haven't even heard off would be the first skewer? That part makes no sense to me and needs to be re-written with something that connects it to skewers. 'Differences in interpretation of the word souvlaki' First off, where did Kalamaki come from? Where did straws come from? The entire first part is just a random collection of thoughts that completely confused me while reading it. You need to introduce the the term Kalamaki and not just assume the reader already knows its an alternative term for Souvlaki. Second, what was the point of mentioning Kalamaki? You only use it once here and it doesn't really add to any humour. The sentence after that just confuses the crap out of me and needs to be completely re-written. However, you can still use that section to your advantage to create a sort of circle of terms that makes a sort of head-spin joke about how there all these different terms for one thing. As it is now though, I can't really figure out what it means. Work on its flow and the connections with each other and turn it into a complicated mess of a circle of terms that mean the same thing. I hope you understand what I mean by this. The same thing goes for the next sentence, although I do like the sexual innuendo about gyro in America. Work on the flow of the words and it should look a lot better. 'Souvlaki: It's shocking story' Where to begin?...The first three sentences are okay, but their flow of words needs to be worked on. With the fourth sentence, why do you refer to them as the 'heroic' Greeks? You should include that adjective AFTER you talk about the war, because saying it before kind of makes the Greeks look like pricks. No offense. Also, combine this sentence with the sentence 'That caused a war,' because that's not a sentence by itself and it's better for the flow of words. Then, about the sentence about the Greeks stuffing themselves. Why would they stuff themselves? Wouldn't it be better to comment on how they armed themselves with the Souclaki to make a last stand? I don't understand why they would stuff themselves instead.... With the part about WWII, work on its flow because this part could look a lot better and be a lot funnier. Right now, it's worded so simply and to the point, it's not very funny. You need to work out the sentences and lead up to the joke about how Souvlakis cause WWII and not just jump from sentence to sentence so quickly. So much of you article could look better if you worked on the flow of sentences... 'List of possible interpretations' Ok, I will agree that there are some funny things about the interpretations. However, a good majority of them seem pointless and you might want to consider deleting this section and absorbing it into another section, or continue this section with some relevant continuation. Think about it, it's up too you.
Concept:	4	The concept is interesting, although you could definitely expand this article to make some more jokes and to make this article longer overall. Right now, it's too short, but expand some sections and some new ones and it should turn out better. Maybe add something about Classical Greek history about Souvlaki and how it was used between Sparta and Athens when they warred. Or maybe talk about the Greek-Macedonian War with the same idea I just mentioned. Look into it, because you could definitely take this article further and make it funnier. Also, expand the articles you already have, because all of them except the history one are short. Fix the flow first and then look into expanding with some additionally jokes and stories. Include some stereotypical jokes or stories that people might think about Greeks. I know you could definitely make some sexual jokes about Greek men and 'meat' and skewers in ancient times, it's just waiting for you to write about it, but it's your choice.
Prose and formatting:	3	I'm sorry, but your formatting is awful, mainly because you end sentences even though you have a conjunction in the next sentence. Having 'and' or 'but' in the next sentence usually constitutes that the sentences are combined. This problem is all over your article. Also, look into combining sentences and working on the flow of words. This is one of the major problems with this article. For example 'Souvlaki became even more famous, and now its fans from all around the world wanted the recipe. But the Greeks didn't give it to them!' Combine these two sentences! Or this one 'Souvlaki became famous, and in 1821 the turks asked for the recipe but the heroic Greeks refused. That caused a war.' Combine the sentences again! Just re-read this article or get a proofreader, because this problem is all over the article.
Images:	7	The best thing about your article is the images. The war image and the Gandhi image are great, especially with the captions. The picture about Souvlaki is good too, although you might want to change the caption as it is not too funny right now. Why not put a strike through 'fat tourist' and then write 'loyal customers' or something like that. Then it should be much funnier.
Miscellaneous:	4	My general feeling about this article. Work on everything I've suggested and re-read the article for yourself and it should turn out better. Also, try looking at this article through the eyes of a non-Greek person, because it kind of feels like you wrote this with Greek fevor and that compromises the humour because it feels a little more serious when you put down the Turks. That right there is a source of humour, so try writing it in a more unbiased manner
Final Score:	22	Right now, this article isn't in the best state, but that is just my opinion. Look into working on the grammer especially, because the main thing that ruins this article is it's lack of flow and its misuse of conjunctions. After that, focus on re-writing the humour as I outlined above and thin about adding another section and/or expanding a previous one, because your article has possibilities for more humour, but right now, it's limited and isn't as funny as you could make it. Hope this helps you out a bit, have any question, just leave a message on my talk page. Good luck
Reviewer:	--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   23:37, January 12, 2011 (UTC)