Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/America
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America[edit source]
A substantial rewrite engineered by THE and myself. Please to enjoy.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 04:03, 19 January 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7.75 | It's good, but for this Brit, it's not super laugh out loud funny. A few smiles came as I noticed some of the clever parodies between the restaurant concept the American outlook, but not quite "Boil in the bag" enough for me. The humour was (for me) mostly just "clever" rather than laugh out loud funny. In places I felt the prose was a bit laboured, and it appears a little padded in places (see section on prose) which kinda spoils the overall effect. In places it was also rather "political" without really having an funny attached to the attack on the good ol US of A. OK, this is obviously a great vehicle to attack questionable American policies, but in places I felt it was attacking without really being funny while doing it... America's vision is to be the world's best quick service restaurant experience... I thought there should have been more about the American constitution here. How about detailing more of it from a point of view of food? How would the amendments relate to food and cooking? Being a Brit, I can't mention an article about America without a dig at the American attempt to steal the ENGLISH language. Surely there is some room for something on this? How about America competing with the British restaurants over the use of the letter 'U'? America uses less Us in an attempt to cut costs? What coloUr would the food be as a result of all the cost cutting? OK, I'm a whore. |
| Concept: | 8 | A tasty idea. It's refreshing to see this page looking coherent and well structured. I guess you had a few options in deciding on your angle here, but this works well. I was not sure if you were suggesting that America is one big restaurant, or lots of different ones. In some places you talked about "of the country" rather than the restaurant. If you are trying to get the flow perfect I think this needs to be clarified. What about the obesity problems? What about the different foods which are served? Maybe you can parallel the different foods to different wars America has started/contributed to? Kebabs for the middle east, sausages for WW2, ice cream maybe for the cold war, Korean (rice, noodles, tofu), whatever for Vietnam! You get the idea. Also, not that it's particularly important, and I'm starting to ramble now but.. "Little faggot with the earring." was about prince was it not? Maybe call Bono "Prince Bono of Ireland"? |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | It's rather good, and flows well most of the time. Having read some of what you guys have done in the past I'm sure that you can polish this up a little though... Some of the sentence structure is a little labouring in places (for me), and you use more words than are necessary to express your ideas. Most critics of the country cite the fact that the American UN delegate only ever makes one contribution to the debates, "Uhm...which way should I vote if I wanted to maximize profits?", as evidence of America's true political standing. Was of particular concern. Are we talking about a country now? Also there are a lot of words between the fact that someone is making a citation, and what the citation is about. This kinda prose is something which I saw a few times. I guess it just needs a little more work. As I normally say in my reviews, I think you can easily use a few less words to say the same thing in many of the paragraphs. I have had a little stab at changing part of one of the paragraphs, and I don't know if you will agree that it needs doing or not, but for me it's always best to get your ideas over as quickly as possible. It's just easier to read that way. Large sections of the article, in particular towards the end are rather light on wiki links. Come now chaps, add some more links eh? Just as an after thought to the above, did you think about writing the whole article in the style of a restaurant guide? In the UK we have egonronay [1], I'm sure there is an American equivalent. Perhaps if you wrote in a particular style it might add to the flavour of the article? OK the police are on their way for that last comment. ;-) |
| Images: | 7.5 | "The First Thanksgiving at Plymouth" and United States Troops accepting a consignment of meat destined for an outlet in Baghdad were both rather good. Excellent actually! The others appeared to be put in rather as an after thought to me. In particular We must control money - I missed what this has got to do with the rest of the Article. Well, I got it, kinda but the pic was just rather lame. You probably need to put more effort into improving the pics than any other part of the article, as it's rather good elsewhere. There are some rather large sections of the text which are a bit nasty to read as there are no accompanying pics. There are a lot of options out there for American food, and I would rather see a picture of a Big Mac, than no pic at all. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.8 | {{Pee|7.5|8|8|7.5}} |
| Final Score: | 39.05 | Good re-write chaps. I remember having a look at this article in its previous form, and I'm glad someone has done this! It really was a mess before. Basically, I think you need to move away from the 'too much' political attacking of the US unless you can find a way to make it funnier. It smacks a bit as a rather obvious dig at American policy, but does not have the funny to back it up. I think people are happy to read the political stuff, but you have to give em some lolz when you do... Regarding the structure, it's just a little too wordy in places. Maybe consider reading through chopping out the bits which you feel don't really contribute much, and streamlining some of the sentences which are longer than they need to be. Hopefully you will think some of my suggestions suitable, and you're not short of material. Hmm, now that you have done this, you just have to spend the rest of your Uncyc life removing vandalism and stupid comments that don't with the style of the rest of the article! That's coming from the guy (with another) who is still trying to re-write Gay. I guess America is one of the most attacked pages on Uncyc. Good luck defending it from the IPs! Because of the obvious appeal of this article to the majority of Uncyc voters I feel that this article might do well on VFH if you decide to put a fair bit more effort in, but in its current state it just looks a little rough around the edges. Enjoy. :-) |
| Reviewer: | MrN  01:03, Jan 26
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