UnReviews:Heaven Upside Down
Bithiah, daughter of Pharaoh[edit | edit source]
I am Bithiah, princess of Egypt, daughter of Pharaoh, and the foster mother of Moses. I am one of 10 righteous people who, according to Jewish mythology, were able to visit Heaven during their lifetime. So they let me review Marilyn Manson's new album, Heaven Upside Down. Because in Islam you must kill yourself to go to Heaven, and Christianity forbids listening to MM. So I decided to review here the first single from the album, "We Know Where You Fucking Live". I am Bithiah, daughter of Pharaoh, and this is my choice.
Well, I must say this song brings up some memories. As the only person who knew Moses's true identity, including Moses himself, and living with him in Pharaoh's palace, I sure felt like home while listening to the song. But sentiments aside, this song is simply to the point. Marilyn concludes the song with the genius line "So what's a nice place like this doing 'round people like us?" and I remember the first Passover night ever, where I was a guest. God knew exactly where those who seek him live and where the others were living. And this is a lot like Heaven. It's like, when someone knows exactly where to lick your pussy. I was like, "I am Bithiah, daughter of Pharaoh, and this is my G-spot". Exactly like that.
Elijah the Prophet[edit | edit source]
I am Elijah, the greatest Jewish prophet and miracle worker of all time. I am also one of those 10 righteous people and I chose to review here the song "Say10", which was initially intended to be the name of the entire album. I will try to describe how perfect this song is, even without owning a pussy. And I have done some amazing stuff in my lifetime. So here we go. Do you know how I arrived to Heaven the first time? Horses and carriage made of fire came down from Heaven and kidnapped me. I didn't WANT to go there. And it BURNED MY ASS really bad. It was just like a surprise anal sex. But when I arrived to Heaven, well, it was just Heaven, so it was totally worth it. So you could say Heaven is a REVERSED surprise anal sex. It's like when a gorgeous stranger woman wants anal sex from you out of nowhere. And this is how perfect the song "Say10" is.
Serah, not wife of Abraham[edit | edit source]
Hi, I'm Serah, one of the wisest women in history. According to tradition, I lived for several hundreds of years, since my name was mentioned among the Jews who came to Egypt in the first place, and also among those who got the fuck out of there 400 years later. This gave me a very special status among the Jews, since I have almost supernatural perspective on things. I am also not Sarah, Abraham's wife, but rather Abraham's great-granddaughter. As one of the "Heavenly 10", I chose to review the song "KILL4ME" for you. My pussy is not what it used to be but I'll try nonetheless. "KILL4ME" is such a great song that if you take all the things that all the great musicians in history have ever had up their sleeves, and combine them all together, what you will get is this song. To demonstrate this, just think of a 400-years old lady's pussy as all those sleeves combined together to one gigantic sleeve. Or just move on to the next review...
Eliezer, slave of Abraham[edit | edit source]
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Perfect!
Shalom! For those who didn't know, Abraham was the first Jew in history and me, Eliezer, was his ever-loyal slave. Abe sent me to find a wife for his son Isaac, and I got Rebeccah for him. When we arrived home, Rebeccah felt off her camel, which caused her to lose her virginity. Abe suspected that I was to blame for Rebeccah not being a virgin and totally broke my balls. When God found out, he fell so sorry for me that he granted me a free pass to Heaven. I am also the only one of the "Heavenly 10" who everybody knows how come he got the free access thing. I chose to review the song "Je$u$ Cri$i$" for you because I think it's the best song in the album. It also reminds me of my boss, because Jesus was the first Christian and he had a crisis when he was crucified. So it kinda reminds me of the crisis I had with Abe when he kinda crucified ME. So I guess if you wanna know what being in Heaven feels like, you should imagine yourselves in my shoes when EVERYBODY IN THE FUCKING WORLD knew I did nothing wrong. Peace!