UnNews:World may be ending soon!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 July 2006

The end of the world?

EARTH: CNN suggests that the world may be ending in light of recent events worldwide and the biblical book of Revelations. Many begin to build bomb shelters, while others prepare to bend over when the time is right. This begs the question: are we all going to die, or can we sacrifice somebody like Paris Hilton to save our asses?

The book of Revelations clearly identifies a world similar to ours that will experience numerous events before the end of the world:

Revelations, 16:2: Before the world ends, gas will be over $3.00 per gallon, two nations: Iran and North Korea will try to get these huge bombs that blow the snot out of everything, and there will be great battles, particularly in Iraq and Israel; Israel will be attacked by their enemies in the North, the Hezbollah, and George W. Bush will be president of the United States.

Revelations, 16:30 (or, half past four, in America): In late July 2004, Bush will again face the anti-Christ in battle. In their first encounter, the anti-Christ (who takes the form of a pretzel), didn't nearly smite the fair but dim President. In this final encounter, Bush will be defeated by a final blow, shattering his empty skull, and all the King's horses and all the Kings men, wont be able to glue the pieces together again! The anti-Christ will rule the world in a tyranny of salty pretzeliness. His word shall be heard from a burning Bush, and the burning Bush shall hear his word from a burning Moses.

Plenty of residential property in Hell.

Some Evangelical Christians take the above message a sign that the world will end soon. However, nobody else believes this, primarily because the Bible is a pop-up book. Others have suggested that we sacrifice people like the ancient Aztecs, and that we start with politicians and lawyers, then work our way down to the movie stars.

Pastor Von Brewer told UnNews, "Whether or not the world will end is not up to us, but one thing is for certain: we will all die. Except Connor MacLeod."

If the world does end, sources say you shouldn't rely on FEMA or wait to be rescued, because there will be no rescue. The only contingency plan available, as issued by the U.S. Government, is as follows:

In the case of an Apocalypse, duck and cover, and wait for the all-clear siren.

France, Italy, and Belgium have started Armageddon drills, where they simulate the end of the world once a month, and citizens practice panicking and running around in circles. Districts or counties that fail to meet quota standards for panicking are fined. The money then goes to civil works projects that build stuff, despite the fact that it will be torn down when Satan comes to town.

Satan sits down and talks with UnNews.

The red-man himself has been spotted planning his vacations and flights on Orbitz.com, his first stop being Liverpool. Satan told UnNews that he intends to end his trip somewhere between Kalamazoo, Michigan and Clearwater, Michigan, stopping along Interstate 94 to grab a bite to eat, while citizens in Heaven say they intend to watch the inevitable Apocalypse on Channel 9, right after 7th Heaven. "They say it's going to be hosted by Walter Cronkite," said one Cloud 9 resident. Others feel a bit of anxiety as statistics predict a huge population explosion in both Heaven and Hell during and after the Apocalypse.

Realtors in Heaven say that they don't have enough residential property to sustain such a large population explosion, while realtors in Hell say there's plenty of room for all. "We're actually looking forward to it," says one Hell realtor, "We suggest people start looking up property values in Hell right now and start making reservations. There's plenty of room in Purgatory, which is a gated community."

Sources

• Delia Gallagher "The End of the World" CNN, July 25, 2005