UnNews:Woman charged with using boyfriend as a weapon

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 October 2006

Police with billy bats and riot gear prepare to storm the residence in order to arrest the psychotic crack whore.

EERIE, Transylvania (AP) - A woman has been charged with using her boyfriend as a weapon during a domestic dispute between herself and her 4 week old infant. She allegedly picked up her boyfriend by the feet and swung him around in circles striking the infant multiple times. The baby was not seriously injured but the boyfriend, who is also the baby's sperm donor, was rushed to hospital in critical condition.

The dispute started when the infant refused to go to bed like the mother told it to do. Clitoria Graham, 27, a local crack whore, is charged with several felonies including assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, attempted infanticide, hurling projectiles at officers, and attempted murder. The boyfriend suffered two broken arms, a broken leg, three broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a fractured skull, and traumatic brain injuries. The infant suffered some minor cuts and bruises but was otherwise unharmed.

The other four children in the home were thrown at the authorities by the woman once they arrived at the scene. The infant had called the cops to report the assault. No officers were hurt but several of their cars were damaged when the children landed on them. In addition to the criminal charges, the police are also suing the woman for damages caused to their vehicles.

Sources

• Doctor Spock "The ethics of using a human body as a weapon" Paltry Press, October 10, 2006