UnNews:Where will Muse be in fifteen years?

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Saturday, August 17, 2019

Miss Ella tells all!

HOLLYWOOD -- Muse is a popular band right now, I guess, mostly due to the Twilight movies. But what will become of them in fifteen years? Because we had nothing better to do, UnNews turned to legendary fortune teller Miss Ella to provide that answer.

I see a mediocre future for this Muse band. Outside of a certain niche, they are chiefly known, if at all, for the Twilight movie soundtracks. Because of this, and with the 25th anniversary approaching, this will lead to a remake of Twilight. The film will be a major event, starring some of the biggest actors of the day:

  • Jimmy Culkin, in his film debut, will play a more iconic Edward Cullen than Robert Pattinson fifteen years earlier.
  • Two-time Oscar winner Blue Ivy Carter will take over for Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, with plenty of emotions and facial expressions to boot.
  • Daniel-Day Lewis will make his triumphant acting return as Jacob Black.
  • Pattinson and Stewart will instead play Carlisle and Esme Cullen.
  • Similarly, Taylor Lautner will take over for Billy Black.
  • 92-year-old F. Murray Abraham will win his second Oscar for playing Aro, head of the Volturi.
  • Nickelodeon pop singer Jojo Siwa will don a much more mature persona as Jessica Stanley, originally portrayed by Anna Kendrick. It will be the first of seven Oscar nominations before she finally wins for directing Hamlet and Macbeth.

Quentin Tarantino and Paul Scrader will co-write the screenplay with director Martin Scorsese. Roger Deakins will serve as cinematographer.

Sensing easy money, Muse, which will have broken up five years prior, will reunite and lobby to write the soundtrack. Scorsese will settle for his go-to guys, The Rolling Stones, as well as 102-year-old John Williams.

The film will win 11 Oscars:

  • Best Picture
  • Best Director
  • Best Adapted Screenplay
  • Best Cinematography
  • Best Actor - Jimmy Culkin
  • Best Actress - Ivy Blue Carter
  • Best Supporting Actor - Daniel-Day Lewis
  • Best Original Score - John Williams
  • Best Costume Design
  • Best Sound Mixing
  • Best Sound Editing

Wait, did you say 102-year-old John Williams?
"Give me my ten dollars."
I thought you said F. Murray Abraham would win Best Supporting Actor?
"It will be a tie."
And Jojo Siwa directing Macbeth?
"She also plays Lady Macbeth."
And Jojo Siwa directing Hamlet?
"Just give me my ten dollars!"