UnNews:VHS sales soar due to consumer confusion
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 December 2008
LONDON, United Kingdom — Sales of the thought-to-be-discontinued VHS media storage format have risen by almost six hundred percent over the last month. Stores have reported customers, the majority of which have looked "right at home, right down to the urine stains", flocking to buy the outdated media in the run-up to the Christmas period.
Analysts believe that confusion among consumers between the DVD format, which has been a reliable seller for years, and the newer, very slightly higher definition Blu-ray discs has been the chief cause of buyers flocking towards the older, more reliable model. The one we talked to, who did not wish to be named for fear of being branded a heretic by the Luddite government, said:
- "Buyers are clearly confused between the two optical disc-based mediums. They aren't sure what will work on the player they have at their house, whether it be DVDs incompatible with the spangly new Blu-ray player they had for Christmas or vice-versa; frankly, the majority of people are just too gosh darn lazy to look on the box."
The anonymous analyst later said off the record that this same flaw accounted for global warming, the failure of the school system and the Labour party's stay in power.
She went on to say:
- "This has turned people off of both mediums. However, customers still want to be able to watch their favourite movies – how else will they waste three hours of their life? VHS is what customers are buying because the technology buyers of today had VHS as they were growing up, and everyone thinks back to their childhood as a time of sunshine and wonderment. Of course, people's memories tend to gloss over such fallacies as grainy pictures, "romance" stories that are really just a sad excuse for pornography, and tapes skipping and causing damage to the living room set."
The elderly have been found to be one of the main sources of the stampede for the tapes. This is believed to be because many of them had not the technological know-how to replace their video sets with newer DVD players, and thus, as one wise resident told us while buying a copy of The Dark Knight at the local HMV, are extremely relieved to finally have something new to put on in the background while knitting. She said:
- "All the Small Soldiers-related hatwear possible has been made by me at some point. This Dark Knight should give me some impressive options for after-hours themed blouses, like the crescent moon top I've been promising my grandson for years!"
Her grandson could not be found, but was presumed to be unhappy with this concept.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Margaret Jones-Smith "What is this new-fangled "Blue Ray" anyway?" Old Girls' Times, January 21, 1913