UnNews:UK faces full prisons

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 January 2007

THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Thursday (UNN) — The Home Secretary, John "Not Fit For Purpose" Reid, is turning his ingenuity upon the problem of full prisons, to some trepidation from senior civil servants.

With over three thousand badly-drafted new laws passed by New Labour since 1997, including such offences as saying nasty things about Tony within earshot of Parliament, driving while brown and going to a doctor while more than 10% over your calculated ideal weight — not to mention working as a Labour Party fundraiser — the current overcrowding crisis sees over 50% of the British population now being prisoners. Forty entire towns have been declared unisex open prisons, or Respec' Areas in Home Office jargon.

"After Jack, Dave and Charlie, I've got quite the act to follow," said Dr Reid.

John Reid "enjoys reading history in his spare time"^[1], though you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

The Home Office has already sent courts advice to jail only dangerous and persistent offenders. Murdering your family will gain a suspended sentence for first offenders, serious financial fraud will (as at present) gain a whacking annual bonus and child molestation will be dealt with by care in the community, neighbourhood watch groups being given Home Office approved ropes and handy downloadable guides on which models of street light are most structurally suited for use as gibbets. First-offender prison terms will be reserved for illegal demonstrators outside Parliament.

Disused RAF and army camps are being considered as temporary options, with the added bonus of being able to send all those brown Johnnies back to Iraq where Dr Reid thinks they belong after a bit of boot camp. "I'm sure getting young criminals fit and aggressive and training them in the proper use of tactical weaponry will help their self-esteem and rehabilitation no end."

The government is in talks to buy two prison ships, or Demountable Relocatable Offending Client Rehabilitation Facilities, to be purchased and then thrown away for reconstruction by a Public Private Partnership, probably EDS and Capita in a joint venture.

Transportation has been mooted. "Unfortunately, we understand that Australia has in recent centuries done rather well at developing its own home-grown criminals, and too many of ours are not white enough to gain entry any longer," said Dr Reid. "And the American colonies are independent or some such rubbish! We may however be able to provide Home Office funding for the planned British moon mission, and hence the labour to liberate our Lunar brothers. The moon will never set on the British Empire!"

The "green" option of reprocessing the worst offenders to be sold for Irish infant care was rejected by the Irish government owing to the danger of bovine chaviform encephalopathy. "So we're considering a rest and recreation camp in Brzezinka in our EU neighbour Poland, which I am told local authorities found quite efficient for dealing with undesirables sixty-five years ago. My advisers say the hygiene facilities are quite extensive."

Sources

• Ruth Kelly Slitheen "Suffer under me little children" Opus Dei, January 25, 2007

• Tony Bligh "Six months in a leaky boat" Mutiny on the Blairite, January 25, 2007