UnNews:Home Office "to release ALL prisoners"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 January 2007

Frank "Razor" Malone yesterday, before leaving the circus to restart his life of crime

THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster -- Fresh controversy hit the UK Home Office this morning as a leaked memo revealed that prisoners are to be sent home with a personal "pat on the head" from Home secretary John Reid. After the recent uproar over sending prisoners to join the circus, home secretary John Reid decided to take affirmative action and just let the sods all go home and about their business. The empty prisons will be closed and probably sold off to various builders to help with the chronic shortage of luxury apartments that are available to ex judges and ministers.

Multiple murderer and armed robber Frank Malone who has been "acting the clown" with the Moscow State Circus was glad of the news this morning, "Thank god that common sense has finally won through. I felt a right tit in this nose I can tell you. Now at last I can get on with my life of organised crime."

John Reid this morning "Och! Whats the bloody problem?"

Home secretary John Reid was nonplussed at the consternation expressed at these revelations. In a statement Reid stated that: "I am confident that the ex prison population will see this as a new chance and will behave themselves. Yes, of course if they don't then we won't have any prisons to send them to but I think its a risk worth taking, don't you?"

Reid went on, "I think its the bigoted views against these convicts that is the true problem here. It is about time that British society realised the value that these people will bring to our economy and well being. Who are we to question the life choices of these people. This isn't fricking Nazi Germany you know!"

Ex prison officer Karl Bruisenob was left virtually speechless by the news this morning, "wha!?! ... you ... close the FUCKING PRISONS!?! Well, I'm emigrating to fucking New Zealand!"

Tony Blair also expressed his support yesterday, "Hey, as you all know I'm a straight kinda guy and if he wants to take the heat off me by releasing all the hoodlums into society then, hey, what right have I to, hey, if I was a rich man bada bada bada bada bada bada bada DUM."

In other news, Chancellor Gordon Brown unveiled his new proposals to tax the air we breathe, "I propose an 11p tax on each lungful taken. Of course exemptions will be made to government ministers, royalty and the dead."

Sources

• BBC "Och jus le em ahl oot!" BBC, January 23, 2007