UnNews:U.S. to deport Catholics

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3 August 2006

Religion is a highly sensitive issue in the United States.

WASHINGTON, D.C.:The United States of America announced today that it will deport hundreds of Roman Catholics amid fears for the safety of the Union. They have been accused by Protestant ministers of preaching Catholicism. The U.S. bans attempts to convert people to non-Protestant faiths. On Wednesday, hundreds of Americans held a protest rally against them at a church in the Southern city of Atlanta.

"Their ancestors were given citizenship when they left Ireland, Italy, and other places looking for a better life, but now it seems they are misusing their citizenship," a government official told me. "The risk of them becoming a threat to homeland security is very high."

Correspondents say that the Vatican has repeatedly urged the Catholics, who make up about 24 per cent of the U.S.'s population, to return home, warning of the dangers they face at the hands of the radical Republican movement.

A spokesman for the Pontiff, Montsignor Pietro Bonaducci, told UnNews that the Papists are only in the country because Ninrteenth century Italy, Ireland, and Poland "Blew, like 10x worse than today's war-ravaged Afghanistan." He said they were only in Chicago and the East and West Coasts, citing widespread religious fanaticism in the violent Midwest, South, and West. "We are not against the policies of America. We respect and we love America," he added. "However, their actions have proven once and for all that Protestants are a bit cooky."

In February several thousand people protested against the release of a man who converted to Catholicism, demanding he face the death penalty. He was stoned to death by an armed mob which included several prominent Republicans, including Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Tom DeLay.