UnNews:Terrell Owens Attempts Suicide, Fantasy Owners Relieved

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 September 2006

Terell Owens at a recent press conference.

DALLAS, Texas -- Fantasy Football owners nationwide were relieved today after Dallas Cowboys football player Terrell Owens' recent suicide attempt confirmed their earlier decisions not to draft him onto their fantasy teams.

Many owners had declined drafting him, fearing just such an event.

"Owens is always pulling some weird shit," fantasy team owner Bill Nguyen told UnNews. "Although, I thought it would be some kind of stunt involving a convertible, a bag of coke, and a hooker's ass."

A man first identified as a "friend" of Owens apparently helped prevent T.O. from taking his own life with an overdose of Skittles, shoe polish, Ex-Lax, Midol, and gin.

Upon further questioning by police, however, the man stated, "No, I'm not T.O.'s friend. T.O. has no friends." The man added, "No one loves him. He's all alone in the world. Oh, and he has gingivitis."

Owens had become depressed when he realized that the only teams that would have him this year were the Dallas Cowboys and the perennially last-place Fantasy Football Team The Funky Bunch, owned by Evanston, Illinois, shoe store manager Greg Mohaney. Even the Texans(2-14 in 2005) would not have him. As the coach Gary Kubiak said, "Fucking prick".

"I thought he'd at least hold it together for most of the season," said a disappointed Mohaney. "This is gonna cost me a couple six-packs, at least." Dallas owner Ray Colburn could not be reached for comment.

Both the Cowboys and The Funky Bunch are reportedly scrambling for a replacement who isn't such a fucking nut-job.

Sources

• Paltry Sum "Fantasy footballers glad they didn't draft Terell Owens" GNN, September 27, 2006