UnNews:Taliban hires Halliburton consultants

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 December 2009

The Taliban hopes to revolutionize the "combat jack".

KABUL, Afghanistan -- There are many ways to profit from war. In this country, those ways include growing and manufacture of drugs, terrorism, and now, taking advantage of bored, horny "soldiers" of the Taliban with a new twist on stroke books; Playgoat Magazine.

Independent war contractor Halliburton supplied an unknown number of consultants to the Taliban for this project. "We picked Halliburton because of the splendid job they did in both Gulf Wars with the Marines, " says the Talibans Chief Logistics officer Walid-Burl Ives. "By directing their sexual tensions into short and frequent bursts of masturbation during high readiness conditions, troops were able to focus aggression calmly and effectively, achieving tremendously increased in kill ratios."

The secret behind this success, as it turns out, is the customization of pornographic materials to suit the preferences of individuals. "For instance," says retired Army General Bertram "Smells Off" Snopopolous of Halliburton. "Some men prefer women of differing relative proportions, so we acquired models of all shapes and sizes to accommodate. Others (don't ask, don't tell) enjoy same-sex masturbatory aids, or even certain types of "others" (animal, vegetable and mineral)."

The Kabul Cabal expects to take in billions of dollars pedaling magazines containing goat smut, ovine adventures, llama indulgence, and camel toes, for the perpetually horny-for-farm-animals Taliban.

Sources

• Sinclair Farfale "Simulated bestiality in battle?" New York Times, Decembar 18, 2009