UnNews:Surfer dude stuns physicists with theory of everything

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16 November 2007

Dr Lisi with 222 very close personal friends, each corresponding to one of the 240 roots of E₈. If his next 18 very close personal friends match the theory, it will be proven. "It's not finished yet, of course," he says. "I did have to establish the angle of the right eyebrow empirically."

OAHU, Hawaii, Thursday (UnTechnica) -- Laid-back surfer dude Garrett Lisi is wowing the world of theoretical physics with his new paper "An Exceptionally Simple Theory Of Everything," reducing all fundamental physical forces to a single mathematical construct, the E₈ Lie group.

Like many an unsung genius, Dr Lisi has failed to turn his theory into bucks. "Being poor sucks. It's hard to figure out the secrets of the universe when you're trying to figure out where you and your girlfriend are going to sleep next month."

Physicists worldwide were agog at the news of Dr Lisi's discovery. "Dude," said Lee Smolin of the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics, "did you hear that? He has a girlfriend. He — has — a — GIRLFRIEND. Duuude!"

Dr Lisi's theory is "so simple a string theorist could grasp it. I was out surfing, the equation

floated into my head, and I went 'Holy crap, that's it!'"

A representation of E₈, absent-mindedly assembled by Dr Lisi one evening after scoring a particularly mellow sample. The white dots are girlfriends worth knowing, the green dots are sexy but crazy. A macho hunk of physicist who can negotiate their way through the 58-dimensional 240-node construct here illustrated can talk their way into and back out of anything. In bed.

Dr Lisi's theory notably bypasses problems with string theory, presently the favoured approach to unifying the Standard Model of particle physics with gravity. "String theory is something that doesn't work, for guys without charm or a personality. No romantic prospect worth talking to will take a string theorist seriously. Even on bikinis it's just for decoration — any serious surfin' girl knows to wear a one-piece.

"String theorists are the sort of pain-in-the-ass nerds who hassle anyone with a female name showing up on IRC. Can you imagine those dweebs even being in the presence of a female without peeing themselves? Hahahahaha!"

Czech mad scientist Dr Luboš Motl pooh-poohed Dr Lisi's theory. "Dr Lisi's theory is pooh-pooh," he said from his fourteenth-century castle high on a crag in Transylvania. "It is typical of anti-string crackpots with IQ below 100 who control academia. Crackpot Garrett Lisi does not understand the difference between fermions and bosons! Cranks with their 'theories of everything' who know less than 1% what I do and whose IQ is 45 below mine! Literally an inferior species! Standard Model has been proven to be a consequence of compactified heterotic string theory back in 1985! Lisi and Smith and Sheppeard and Hossenfelder will NEVER get onto hep-th on arXiv! 4 simultaneous 24 hour Days within only 1 rotation of 4 quadrant Earth! They are EDUCATED EVIL and STUPID! STUPID STUPID!" Dr Motl's henchmen then started waving large clubs with spikes in the direction of our reporter, signaling the end of the interview.

Dr Lisi is not fazed. "String theory is a dying field," he said. "I mean, it's not like they're going to reproduce."

Sources

• Dude! "... Wait, what?" Holy crap!, November 16,2007