UnNews:Successful Tampa Bay Rays season result of exorcism
7 October 2008
ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (UNN) -- Following their win over the Chicago White Sox in the American League Division Series, the Tampa Bay Rays celebrated their first postseason series win in franchise history back home in St. Petersburg, Florida. Rays players were quick to credit 'teamwork' and 'all-around badass swagger' for both their series win and successful 97-65 regular season finish. By the conclusion of the 2008 season, most Rays players were unaware of the concept of "playoffs" and were required to attend an instructional seminar hosted by Bud Selig.
Rays manager Joe Maddon was quick to note of an alternate reason for their miracle season:
| “ | First off, I'd like to thank Father for the exorcism that he performed on our team in the offseason. Once we got the "Devil" out of our team name, we were finally able to live our lives without being reminded that we were the worst team in baseball history. Satan's just an asshole and selling the naming rights of our franchise to him was a really bad idea. We're glad to move on in the playoffs and endure even more scrutiny, this time as a successful team. | ” |
Players had other theories as to why they have been successful this season. The team's third baseman Evan Longoria added:
| “ | Those forest green and black jerseys we wore were just gross, man. I mean, seriously, it looked like we were the Tampa Bay Toxic Avengers. Not to mention, I have a name that sounds like a famous actress and I play with a guy named "B.J" Upton. How embarassing do you think my life is? I just needed some new wardrobe, and once that happened, we finally started winning some games. I have some words for those pricks in Boston: Bring it, bitches! Things are great now that we have a chance to become relevant. Well shit, I still live in Tampa Bay... Fuck. | ” |
Sources confirm that the aforementioned pastor performed an exorcism on the team's premises in December 2007. From 1998 to the end of the 2007 season, the team was known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. In the 2002 season, the Devil Rays endured the worst season in baseball history, losing all 162 games. Throughout the offseason, Satan refused to comment on his franchise as he was too busy meeting with team consultant Matt Millen. Following the team's exorcism in 2007, the franchise was re-christened as the Tampa Bay Rays and took baseball by storm.
Upon his departure of Tropicana Field following the exorcism in December 2007, Satan himself had some words to say to the press:
| “ | FINE THEN! I'll make sure the Tampa Bay metropolitan area will be engulfed in flames! I shall send my minions Coco Crisp, Jason Varitek, and Jonathan Papelbon to raise Hell next October (2008) and remind the nation that you're still the shittiest team in baseball! For ten years, you guys gave me a bad name! You forever ruined my reputation as supreme Prince of Evil. Fuck all of you guys! Oh yeah, your stadium is still pretty shitty. -- Satan, December 2007. | ” |
As Satan predicted in 2007, the Rays will host the Boston Red Sox in the American League Championship Series starting on October 10, 2008. Rays and Red Sox management have advised fans to wear sunscreen and bring umbrellas to the games, just in case Satan indeed makes it rain fire and brimstone.
In other news, Major League Baseball announced plans to prescribe anti-depressants and issue gun licenses for all Chicago Cubs fans. Chicago Mayor Richard Daley declared the city a disaster area and warned tourists to be on the look out for self-described "Cubs fans" while visiting the Navy Pier.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Angus Cheese-Burger. "Tampa Bay Rays survive successful exorcism" Burger King Times, October 7, 2008
- Associated Press. "Sources: Rays reportedly win a game" ESPN.com, October 7, 2008
- Tom Verducci. "Devil Rays-Red Sox matchup to decide fate of the world" Sports Illustrated, October 7, 2008
- Those guys. "Satan: Devil Rays ruined my reputation" This site., October 7, 2008
- Rupert Murdoch. "Rays' Carl Crawford: We have more postseason experience than Sarah Palin" Fox News, October 7, 2008