UnNews:Study finds that half of all alcohol produced, consumed by the dead

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4 March 2007

Open wide dead man!

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts -- A Harvard University study has found that a stunning fifty percent of the nation's alcoholic consumption is wasted on the dead. Graduate student and Phd candidate, Rob Roy announced the studies profound findings at a gazebo on the Harvard south campus. "We came by this realization one night after we had finished toasting all the late great comedic geniuses of the 20th Century; John Candy, John Belushi, Mitch Hedberg and of course Saturday Night Live's Gerald Ford. When we then realised that due to all the "Pour One For My Homies" we made... we were already halfway through our Schnaps, Wine Coolers and huffed kittens. That led to my approval for getting wasted... er I mean studying this further with the consent of the administration."

Soon-to-be-dead actor, and eight time Academy Award loser, Peter O'Toole had this to add, "That sounds about right to me. Al Finney and I dug up our old pal Richard Harris last month to have a few glasses of Scotch Whisky. I dare say that the poor dead bastard is still a terrible drunk - on his sixth glass the rotten old bugger's lower jaw came square off. Albert tried to put it back on, but ended up puking on poor ol' Dick due to the horrendous smell emanating from his decayed corpse."

Wu-Tang Clan frontman, Method Man was also reached for comment. "Yeah, every day, yo. We go by Ol' Dirty Bastard's grave and pour him a forty. Shit. Ghostface Killah is there right now. Fo' shizzle my nizzle!"