UnNews:Sir Eric Idle proposes Wits For The Witless

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13 June 2006

A charming and erudite Dame Eric Idle deftly avoids telling America to piss off.

KOALA LUMPY Australia -- In an unprecedented show of warmth towards the American people, every sovereign nation on the planet sent delegates in Koala Lumpy, Australia for a conference on the alarming increase of witlessness in America. In a news conference at the Anchorage Ramada, British representative Sir Eric Idle spoke frankly. "This conference is by no means a slight on the American people, but rather an opportunity to address the declining IQ's of leaders in all strata of American society. As the 500 pound gorilla in the room, we feel it is in everyone's best interest to curb this before something really, really stupid happens."

"This is not to say we don't have our own problems," said a sniggering Idle, pointing to a portrait of Prime Minister John Major behind him. "The point is, the US is a proverbial motherlode of morons, a sea of idiocy, so it's the reasonable focus of our first steps as an international charitable effort."

The keystone of the effort, dubbed "Wits For The Witless" by James Randi, are a series of scientific breakthroughs, resulting in a process whereby a person of low intelligence may receive "donor wits" from a more gifted individual, who may function more than adequately with a small reduction in their IQ. Professor Coitus Irreducible of the Max Plank Institute in Spain explains the procedure as, "...something like an organ transplant. A donor is placed as a target in a supercollider and bombarded by Simplitrons, the subatomic particles which compose stupidity. Intellect stimulating Smart Quarks are repelled by the Simplitrons, and shunted off into a magnetic bottle for storage. The recipient can be infused with small increments of intelligence by running the process in reverse. It's not that it makes you smarter, but rather removes stupidity-inducing dark matter from the subject, rendering them less harmful to the rest of us."

Experimental results suggest that a moderately stupid person might be of less measurable danger to society after as few as 5 treatments in the high-speed collider. The monumentally stupid, like George W. Bush, Pat Robertson, or psychic John Edward are as yet indestupifiable, because the power needed to decrease such appalling amounts of stupidity are not technologically possible. This conference of humanists and scientifists brings hope for the coming age, so disastrously predicted by Issac Asimov in his book, "The Marching Morons."

Sources

• zim ""Wits For The Witless" conference draws world-class intelligensia" Relunctant Segway Press, June 13, 2006