UnNews:Satanic heavy metal drummer becomes born-again Christian

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Thursday, September 3, 2020

Dr. Lucifer Von Hellfucker in the music video for Pig Rectum's "Spill the Blood of the Innocent."

LOS ANGELES -- Dr. Lucifer Von Hellfucker, drummer for the Satanic heavy metal band Pig Rectum, made a dramatic revelation, announcing via Instagram Wednesday that he has become a born again Christian.

Hellfucker announced his new megachurch on Instagram, set to open upon the end of the COVID-19 pandemic "if it ever happens."

In the lengthy post, Hellfucker said that much of his life had been defined by Satanism, starting when he was "growing up in a Satanic home" as a "warlock's kid," but since May, he had begun to question the teachings he'd been surrounded by.

"When you grow up in a community that holds a shared belief, and that shared belief is so incredibly central to everything, you simply adopt it," he wrote. "Everyone I was close to believed in Satan, accepted Beelzebub into their blackened hearts ... so I did too. I became interested in music, began playing and singing in covens, and started leading "Warship" at The Church or Satan and youth events. Even then I remember being uncomfortable with certain things. Like chords and shredding guitar solos. Then I switched to bass, and eventually drums."

At the end of his Instagram post, Hellfucker announced that he would be opening a megachurch, assuming the COVID-19 pandemic ever ends. "Sorry, horndogs, but I'm pimping for the J man now."

He, with the help of his Zoom choir, then began an impromptu Christianized rendition of Slayer's classic "Jesus Saves."