UnNews:Roman Catholic Church changes name to "We Hate Abortion"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 May 2009
LIFE BEGINS AT CONCEPTION CITY -- Pope Benedict XVI Sunday announced that the Roman Catholic Church would henceforth and forever be known as "We Hate Abortion" in what he described as a "more accurate depiction of our priorities."
"Brothers and sisters in the Lord, the time has come to live the message of our savior Jesus Christ to the fullest," Benedict told a cheering throng in the former Vatican City. "And the only message Jesus had was to stop abortion."
The pope indicated the name change would be permanent, regardless of changes in abortion laws.
The move reflects the increasing importance of abortion to the We Hate Abortion hierarchy. Earlier this year, Benedict ordered all Catholic schools to replace mathematics classes with angry tirades against pro-choice politicians. In March, Benedict removed St. Francis of Assisi from the communion of saints, saying Francis' canonization was invalid due to the popular friar's refusal to blockade gynecologist's offices of the 1220s.
"Jesus is commonly quoted as saying love thy neighbor, but the Greek is mistranslated," Benedict told the crowd. "The Greek term for 'neighbor' is the same as 'womb,' while the word for 'love,' 'agape,' means 'no surgeons allowed.' That God revealed modern medical practices to the ancient world shows he shares my concerns about the abortion issue."
Benedict also announced that priests would be re-named "Life Preservers" and bishops "Life Savers." The pope plans to change his title to "Anti-Abortion Supremo No. 1."
A spokesman for the Life Begins At Conception said seminaries have been ordered to end the teaching the philosophy of St. Anselm in favor of Kirk Cameron film festivals.
"Kirk knows far more about God's will than Anselm ever did," said Life Preserver James Smithson, a theology professor at the University of Notre Dame. "Questions of existence and the nature of God could open the door to anti-life teaching in the church."
The name change is not without precedent. Responding to second-wave feminism, the Southern Baptist Convention was known as 'Where's my dinner, bitch?' from 1972 to 1988.
Sources
- Pope Benedict XVI "If you're against abortion, I'll forgive that incidence of child abuse" Humanae Vitae, May 3, 2009